Would this be rude?

[Christmas20]

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

I think you just have to choose the best of what there is and try to enjoy it. I think it would look really awkward if you tried to be different. You must see that or you wouldn't be asking the question.

No its not rude. Im also vegetarian and find it hard to order from a chinese. They also find the concept of vegetarianism hard so often say things are vegetarian when theyre not (crab, prawns etc they think is vegetarian). If you do have to order i would suggest vegetable chow mein and chips although they often fry meat products with the chips too! Id order from somewhere else. As long as youre paying for your own it shouldnt matter to anyone else

If my son bought a girl to a family take away and she wanted and needed to do this I wouldn’t mind at all.
People saying it’s rude and you’ll be seen by the family as ‘that girlfriend’ is a reflection of them.
Dont do something that will make you unhappy to please others. If this relationship ship is for life it will end up many years of unhappy years people pleasing.
Hope all goes well.

I wouldn't eat from somewhere with a 3 rating either. Yes, it could be paperwork, but also they could have inappropriate handwashing or storage. I'm amazed by the amount of people that would happily, knowingly eat from here. Just to add, whilst meat is often a food poisoning culprit, reheated rice if not brought to temperature is dangerous.

Can you have your partner suggest another location to order from ? I totally understand where you’re coming from - but they might think you’re a little precious.

No i dont think its rude. Id want everyone to feel comfy in my house. Besides there may be food they serve in your takeaway that they'd want to order

Ooo in this case, don’t tell them you’re ordering from somewhere else and just collect it as normal. See if you can swing an extra bag from the other place and remove the receipt.

Maybe a bit late now but I wouldn't see this as a problem at all. Maybe as my kids are a bit fussy so it isn't unheard of for us to order different foods or go to food halls so we can all order different foods. If my sons girlfriend suggested a different place to eat as it had a better veggie/vegan menu, as long as it was a similar budget I would be happy to switch but would not be offended if she wanted to order somewhere else. Would rather she was happy eating than finding out later down the line that she wasn't enjoying herself with us due to such a minor issue that can easily be resolved. Hope you enjoy your evening and in future talk it through with your boyfriend, he sounds supportive and xould have let you know what he thoight the response would have been like.

I hardly think that's fair when one diner is vegetarian though

This is really sensible. I wouldn’t especially mind if someone did this, but I’ll be blunt and say that my mum & her generation of my family (55-65)would find it really insulting; you’d be seen as turning your nose up at their choice and having to be special and get something from somewhere more expensive.

It might be harsh and judgemental but I think a lot of families would think you were being precious, neurotic and a pain in the arse.

I have issues not dissimilar to you (ED and some other stuff) and I would avoid creating faff for everyone by eating beforehand and ordering something safe. Minimal attention drawn, no need to think about it too much in the run up, and no conversations to make me self conscious.

The reality is that other people just experience this as a nice simple sociable night in, and you’ll definitely be perceived as “hard work” if you insist on your own special food from a separate (posher) place. Might not be fair, especially given you’re working on it, but I reckon that’s how it will land.

Look, you're not being unreasonable at all but yeah, some people.will find it a bit weird and rude.

Your choices are order something from the restaurant they're eating at, eat a small amount and hope for the best or order something from the other place and have some of them think you're a bit weird and rude.

I'd love it if we lived in a society where people all understood eachothers mental and physical health struggles, but the reality is we don't.

Of course it’s the emetophobia speaking. It dominates your life.

As a fellow emetophobia sufferer, I completely understand where you are coming from. I wouldn’t eat from a three star place either.

I don’t think it’s rude but even if it is, I’d rather come across a bit rude than spend two days panicking about getting ill.

Personally, I’d explain my phobia to hopefully lessen the perceived rudeness.

Rice is hugely risky for food poisoning. I just wouldn’t risk it.

Fellow emetophobe with Arfid/food sensory issues.

I don’t think it’s rude. I’d simply say sorry I’m not able to eat anything from x so I will go to y instead.

Have you had meals from either takeaway before? If not how do you know what the dishes will be like? You could have a flare up from the 5 star takeaway too!!
Ratings aren't all that, there is a Chinese near us which has a 3 but is always packed as the food is so lovely.

Do what you are comfortable with, it’s not inconveniencing anyone else. If they even notice it’s their problem!

It would be rude, could you order something plain? I have stomach issues and always say no sauce or can you add this sauce to noodles etc, or could your partner say - theres a bit more choice at xxx takeaway and if its more expensive you pay.

I’m torn on this one. On one hand I do think it looks rude/weird etc but also… it’s your partner’s family, they should know about your eating issues and want to accommodate. As this won’t be the first or last time this will happen surely. But if you don’t see them often and don’t want to cause a fuss, I’d probably rather eat an early dinner at home beforehand and just pick at some spring rolls or something

Most chinese dishes can be made vegetarian. Just ask them to swap the meat for tofu or veg 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve I was the host I wouldn’t find you rude at all. My DD is a veggie and I often take things to gathering for her to make sure she has something to eat that she likes. I don’t know if people have thought that rude. I find it rude that people are not considerate for others diets,

I think that they may think you are rude, but it's also not wrong to prioritise your health. Just because other people don't think it's a big deal to eat from places with poor food hygiene doesn't mean you have to go along with it. I think if it was approached sensitively and your partner stuck up for you, it could be ok. At the end of the day you have to think about what kind of relationship you want with them going forward - do you want to permanently neglect your own needs and make yourself ill for the sake of making a certain impression in their eyes? Or is it better to risk being seen as awkward, rude, picky etc., and then hope to win them over with your good qualities while protecting your own health?

Your partner should explain the situation to your family, and if they’re half decent people they should be bending over backwards to accommodate you and make sure you’re looked after.

Its very poor form if anyone makes an issue of this or leaves you feeling uncomfortable

You’re not BU at all op,

sorry but I think it’s so weird that people would get together and order food, only to put it all on the table and just dip into the common stock despite the fact that not everyone will like what someone else might have ordered.

I would be way more interested in my grown child’s partner being able to relax and enjoy the
evening that what food choices were made

Hey listen, if you’re paying for your own food and you’re not going to eat it from the other place then I’d just say ‘there isn’t anything I fancy here but I’ll pay for and get delivered from XYZ’