over a bloody booster seat 🥵

[StarDolphins]

My 9 year old is being taken to a party in Manchester (1 hour journey) today by the birthday girls parents. She is 134cm (she’s a bit less actually but because her Dad told her she’s that, she’s sticking to it)

Sges currently sobbing and shouting (since 7am off & on) because I’m insisting she has her booster seat when all the other 7 kids won’t have one. She said she’s going to get laughed at and she just wants to fit in & be the same. I’ve tried to be understanding, I’ve said blame it on me, I’ve said they’re not good friends etc.

AIBU to stick to my rule? She’s nearly there but technically still needs a booster until 135cm. I’m just worn down as she’s been crying over this ALL morning🙄

I thought "Sges" was a new mumsnet acronym until I realized she meant "She" 😂

You can't blame me, I just came from a thread where the poster was using "DL for Dear Labrador" 😂

So if you were 166cm everything would be hunkydory?!!! Bonkers.

What I don't understand is that your DD had been 'shouting and sobbing on and off since 7am' about your decision , yet within 10 minutes of starting this thread, you changed you mind due to strangers' comments.

I don't understand all the responses on here telling the OP just to "let it go, it's only a few cm". If someone had posted on here that a grandparent had driven a 4 year old 100m down a private road without a car seat there would be an immediate call to never ever let grandparent near child again.

The truth is that booster seat rules are there for a reason, and as others have said, it's the car driver who will get fined/points if they get stopped by police or worse. Where I live, the rule is the child has to be at least 140cm tall to not use a booster. My 12 year old son is 147cm tall, and to be honest he looks very low in the backseat of the car, and the seat belt is very high across his chest without a booster seat. This is in a totally standard family car.

Given that the height requirement varies so much from country to country, the evidence on safety and need for booster seats is clearly not all that great.

I know OP backed down, but the facts are that this is so variable that it is a meaningless thing when people choose to keep clutching their pearls saying 'will no one think of the children'.

Glad you relented on this OP. I imagine given some of the silly and pious nature of car seat groups on Facebook etc you expected everyone to say you were doing exactly the right thing and use it as a chance for them to all polish their halos on perfect parenting advice- in fact, never mind a car seat- why isn’t she rear facing? Lol. But it takes a lot to back down and you don’t often see posters doing this on AIBU.

Unclench

I know, I read the first few pages and thought maybe I’m just being ridiculous and it was getting near the time of having to leave and I just changed my gut. Then I regretted it as I should’ve trusted myself and I usually do. I think had it have been any other group of girls, I’d have insisted but I know how mean these girls can be. But you’re right!

I’m surprised at these replies. Mine was in a HBB until the end of primary school, as were many of her friends. As others have pointed out, 135cm is quite a low minimum. Many other European countries have 150. Safety is more important than embarrassment.

thank you! I’m normally quite stubborn strong minded and confident in my decisions but I read the first few replies and they were all ‘you’re being ridiculous/humiliating her’ and it was so close to when we had to leave that I thought ok, I’ve got it wrong and I don’t want her to be bullied so I let her go without it.

My DC was in HBB much closer to 150cm than 135cm, in the same way we choose cars that have high safety ratings, why wouldn't you?

For those saying this child would die of shame on a booster seat if they were 8yo and 134cm, have you ever driven in Europe, would you break the laws there, where they have higher height restriction?

I picked her up from my friends and she said can I have no car seat to Waitrose so I said absolutely not, it was a one off! Then she said all the girls had phones and one had an iPhone 13 & 1 had an iPhone 16 and so can I get her ‘at least an iPhone 13’ so I said absolutely not, no chance at all and I don’t even have an iPhone 13! Goodness me! I was thinking wtf, NO!! So moaning commenced again so I told her to stop complaining and be grateful for the things she does have! I’ll have a proper chat with her tomorrow.

She said the dad was going 85mph! But at least she’s home safe and thank you to all the ones that have given great advice, it’s much appreciated.

YY obviously it's a generalisation, and there will be parents who have actually looked up the law.

But you can see a lot in this thread have the attitude that 9 is "ridiculous" for a car seat, which they perhaps would not think if they were aware of the law.

Yabu. Poor kid. She'll be mocked.

Doesn’t sound like being with these friends brings her much joy!
Do you ever take the piss out of the mean girls or sort of slag them off a bit at home? I do this sometimes to take the shine off them for my kids…. Sort of make them realise that actually these mean people have feet of clay. Like if she’d said “Leanne says I’m a baby for being in a car seat” I’d say “well tbh Leanne’s an annoying twat so I’m not surprised her mum doesn’t care about her safety and tbh she needs to watch out calling other people babies after she pooed herself in the pool in year 3”. It’s all done tongue in cheek and it creates a sort of secret giggliness between my kids and me about anyone mean and often steers them away after a while. I sort of help to give them the ick with their “friend”, or in most cases, gives them confidence when someone is picking on them a bit.

No doubt this is a horrible parenting strategy and I may get a pile on but I don’t know, it works for us.

Most of the rules about child seats, boosters, ages, etc are essentially arbitrary. In some EU countries the height limit is 135cm, in others it's 150. In some it's done by age or weight. In Luxembourg it's illegal for anyone under 17 to ride in the front seat of a car. There is in fact an EU Directive on this, but countries are free (imagine that!) to pass stricter rules than the EU minimum, and most have done so.

There is no scientific evidence establishing that children who are 134.9cm tall have hugely better outcomes with a booster and those who are 135.1cm have hugely better outcomes without one. It's just a way of establishing objective rules that the police can enforce when people are taking the piss and going out with five kids on the back seat. The police have the discretion not to force your child who is belted in without a booster to get out to be measured at the roadside in case they are just under 135cm, and fortunately they exercise this discretion in pretty much every case.

One reason why there is no such evidence is that there really aren't all that many accidents in which children are badly hurt, due to the amazing safety features of modern cars. Your DD making a single two-hour return journey with her seat belt 10cm higher relative to her body than usual is an absolutely homeopathic level of extra risk. At a population level the difference between 130 and 135cm maybe saves one neck injury per year. The simple fact of allowing her to go on the trip is several hundred times more dangerous than making her take the booster. We are all safety-first, but we don't have to be safety-safety-safety and nothing else. Otherwise we would never leave the house (which is of course itself a risk factor for early death).

You’re not being unreasonable at all, definitely safety first.
Hardly surprising that the majority disagree however - they’ll be the same parents who give their kids unlimited screen time, have a smartphone before it’s necessary/healthy, take them to McDonalds countless times a week. Anything for an easy life eh?!

Having worked in several emergency depts and intensive care units over the years, car seat safety is really important to me. Whilst I was relaxed about many things over things in my girls’ childhoods, being in a high backed car seat was non-negotiable and when driving their friends to parties, as a responsible driver, they sat in them too! My kids still have friends and haven’t been psychologically damaged!

I’m glad I’m not the only one wondering if I need a booster seat!

I get your point OP about not being able to live with yourself if there was an accident and you hadn't enforced the rules.
But I think that in practice 1cm of height would make so little difference to her safety that it's a bit like refusing to let your child take the 'aged 12 and over' dose of pain killers until midnight has struck on her twelfth birthday, rather than allowing it a day early.
Hope she has a lovely and safe trip anyway.

Tbh I’m with you here. My son is 7 and is 137cm, he still has his car seat as I think it is safer. Some countries recommend 150cm so I’ll probably keep him in it until then.

Did you go by the 135cm rule or keep them in it longer?

9th percentile for 11 yo under 135cm.
A lot of 9yo are under 135cm, so am surprised so many are saying they don't bother with car seats.

I kept them in high backed seats till they went to secondary school and were over 135cm.

Thank you. Just asking as my son is 7 and 137cm and I don’t want to take him out of his car chair yet. Reading your post has made me certain.