over a bloody booster seat 🥵

[StarDolphins]

My 9 year old is being taken to a party in Manchester (1 hour journey) today by the birthday girls parents. She is 134cm (she’s a bit less actually but because her Dad told her she’s that, she’s sticking to it)

Sges currently sobbing and shouting (since 7am off & on) because I’m insisting she has her booster seat when all the other 7 kids won’t have one. She said she’s going to get laughed at and she just wants to fit in & be the same. I’ve tried to be understanding, I’ve said blame it on me, I’ve said they’re not good friends etc.

AIBU to stick to my rule? She’s nearly there but technically still needs a booster until 135cm. I’m just worn down as she’s been crying over this ALL morning🙄

Thank you, great advice. I don’t want her to think that because she had a tantrum this morning and got her way, this will be a continuing theme. I just feel like the only person in her life that puts these things in place and so I’m the boring bad guy! She argues back about details and that dad measured her and blah blah and after hours of it, it wears me down!

Of course she is, they’ve not just plucked the number out!

I wonder how you'd react if found your teeny 6 year old was being driven in a car not only without a booster or car seat but without a working seatbelt to put around her! And unfortunately I'm not making this up. One of the many irresponsible things my lovely ex husband did.

Awful isn’t it! Constantly trying to belittle me and be her best friend. No parenting whatsoever gets done in the 8 hours per week he sees her - I call him either fun Bobby or uncle Jack 🙄🤣

I voted YANBU and I feel for you, OP, as it was a difficult dilemma.

My 8yo is tall (142cm) and in our car he will be in a high-backed booster until he outgrows it, simply because it's safer. He's been complaining about it for a while now and saying he's tall enough not to need one, his friends don't use them, etc, but I'm not giving in. However, for lifts in other cars it's a bit harder. We have a trunki boostapak (ie backless booster) which we've used a lot for lift-sharing; I will always use it for DS's friends when giving them lifts, and if DS is getting a lift I'll give it to him to use. However, he recently went to a birthday party with a large group of friends and got a lift home with a car full of them... I wasn't 100% comfortable with him not using a booster seat but I decided not to make an issue of it, mainly because it was a shortish journey and they didn't go on any M/A roads, the fastest would have been 40mph. They witnessed a car accident on their way home - a head-on collision at a junction - which is a stark reminder that bad accidents can still happen at lower speeds. So I'm not sure what I'd decide next time; I'd probably think of an excuse to drive him myself or offer to help with the lifts.

It's not about the law (which is a bare minimum in the UK, as PPs have pointed out) it's about doing everything we can to minimise the risk of death or serious injury in the event of an accident. The chances of an accident are small but the potential outcomes are so serious.

@StarDolphins What time is your DD due to get home? I hope she has a good day and these "friends" are kind to her. I'm finding it really tough to support my son with friendships and teasing, it feels like a tricky part of parenting tbh. I understand they just want to fit in - but not at any cost.

This is exactly what I say to her but she doesn’t hear it. It’s fine until it’s not! I don’t want her to see a crash but if she did, I think she would realise.

It’s so difficult striking a balance isn’t it. I do feel regret that I gave in and I will need to explain that I won’t do it again. My gut is just be safe.

She’s due back around 2.30pm.

PS Kidscape has some great resources for the friendship stuff eg https://www.kidscape.org.uk/advice/advice-for-young-people/friendships-and-frenemies

Thanks for this, we’ll have a look tonight. we read smart girls guide to friendship troubles every single night and we do funny role plays while we’re doing it so I can see if she understands and she totally gets it, she knows how they are is mean and she knows which girls are the nice ones. She still keeps going back for scraps though!

I’ve got such high standards of how I will be treated and I have no issue cutting bad people out but I can’t seem to filter it down!

I do think there is a bit of a blind spot currently with the generation of parents who are age 30-45ish, because we remember car seats as being for much younger children, so take it for granted to use them but then the idea of using booster seats for children well into primary school seems excessive. The law actually changed in 2006 to say that booster seats are required up to age 12 or 135cm, whichever came first. (I realise the law has been quoted a lot on this thread already). Prior to 2006, car seats were only required by law up to 3yo.

Anyone under 30 probably did use a booster seat because the law change was highly publicised at the time. Anyone older than this but who didn't have DC at the time probably didn't even notice the law change - hence there is a dip in booster seat usage for primary aged children currently. I think there ought to be an awareness campaign, but OTOH it will probably correct itself in a few years as parents of primary aged children will remember using boosters themselves.

BTW it's not true that backless boosters are useless. They are not as protective as a full high back booster, especially for younger children, but for a 9yo they do an excellent job of repositioning the lap belt across the pelvis and lifting the child to help prevent the seatbelt rubbing on their neck, which is exactly what they are designed to do. You just have to make sure you are tucking the belt under the belt guides, otherwise they will be useless. There are some dodgy polystyrene ones which can be bought online that just have fabric belt guides and those are no good, I don't think they actually meet regulations. Most will have hard plastic or metal belt guides, which hold the seat in place so it doesn't fly out from under the child. The design of backless boosters hasn't really changed since the 80s, which tells you how basic they are, but they also perform the job they were designed for incredibly well.

Actually yes - or if not the person, certainly the standard measurement they were designed with. Crash test dummies were designed based on male anatomy. So is a lot of other safety equipment, like stab vests, firefighting gear etc. In tech the default is still male - in voice recognition, the size of phones (whether you can hold or swipe comfortably etc). This is a few years old but it describes the issue pretty thoroughly: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/23/truth-world-built-for-men-car-crashes

I can’t remember if it was on here or elsewhere but someone was talking about how members of the public are slower to commence CPR on women than men and tend not to go in hard enough - people who’ve trained using dummies with female anatomy (ie boobs) provide more effective intervention.

Technically I should have been using a booster seat all my adult life! As I have been under 5ft tall all my life. And have lost more height since being diagnosed with primary Hyperparathyroidism which caused severe osteoporosis.

I'd have wanted to stick to the rules too OP, believing they are there for an important reason.

How awful that bullying both here and with your daughter leads to risks being taken that have the most serious consequences.

Absolutely.

Seat belts were designed for the average male who is 5 foot ten / 177cm

Well she’s 21 now so it was a long time ago.

I was thinking the same thing.

My daughter reached 135cm just before her 10th birthday. The majority of her friends were out of a car seat months before her. She still has one 10 year old friend who needs a booster.

With various different sporting activities and parties, there’s been a lot of lift-giving both with school friends and friends out of school. I’ve never seen or heard of any ribbing based on still needing a car seat/booster. It’s all been very matter-of-fact - the booster goes in for whoever needs it, and nobody makes a fuss. In fact, most of us have kept hold of a booster in case a friend/friend’s younger sibling needs it.

I’m not sure this would be something I’d speak to school about, as it feels like a very out-of-school matter.

Seeing as I'm 165cm and in some modern cars, it's impossible to move the seatbelt down enough to stop it cutting straight across my throat (and I'm sure most of us have seen drivers barely visible over the steering wheel), I don't think it's necessarily a ridiculous suggestion.

She will be humiliated and teased. I suggest taking her yourself since you won’t relent on it for the sake of a cm or two….

a lot of these children seem tiny!
someone mentioned 135cm for an 11 year old?! they can't even ride on a rollercoaster at that height..! my 8 year old is 145cm and she isn't even among the tallest in her class! Anyway not the point i know.
Defo Id let this one go. she'll be embarrassed. tell her to sit on her rucksack if you're worried..? although not sure if this is recommended tbh

Are you joking? Or an idiot?

Same here.

I know a lot of shorter women who use booster seats as otherwise the seat belt rubs against their neck non-stop and also they would not be high up enough to see over the bonnet to drive safely. Some women use a well-packed cushion to not use a booster seat but the problem is at the design level which uses the average male height and build as the guide.

In more recently built cars the driver seat can be adjusted up and down as well as nearer /further from the pedals.

Please just at least skim through the thread

how is prioritising her child’s safety ‘precious’?

a) she’s too short and the driver has the responsibility of ensuring she is in the correct seat
b) poor daughter? Or what a lucky girl to have a mum that cares so much.

If something was to happen she would never forgive herself.

Glad you've posted, Bertie, you are so knowledgable about car seats.

FWIW I'm 40 and I have done my research (though not as extensively as you!) ever since my oldest was born 8.5 years ago.

Probably unless you are the driver and have a car that allows you to adjust the seat up and down as well as back and forth.

Cars are designed with men in mind using the average male height as a guide which is 176cm.

The average height for a woman is 163cm and even then the seat belt can hurt women's necks in many cars because it is positioned for a much taller person.

My kids will be in booster seats till they’re 12. Just cos it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s the safest option.