Family Christmas Issue

[ChristmasIssue]

We are staying at home for Xmas this year as we got a dog back in April, don’t have anyone to have him and don’t want to leave him anyway.

As we wouldn’t be visiting anyone, back in September, we said to our family that everyone is welcome to come to us if they would like but we understand if people want to do other things or stay at home themselves.

8 relatives have chosen to come to us, including my cousin with 2 children aged 7 and 2. Everyone coming is aware we have a new dog and that he was our reason for staying home for Xmas.

Now we are less than 3 weeks til Xmas and my cousin has said that she isn’t happy with her children being around our dog and asked us what we plan to do. I was a bit annoyed as we had been clear about everything but I’ve said the dog will be here, although I’m happy to keep the dog out of one room all the time and in another room whilst we eat dinner. My cousin has said this isn’t good enough, that her children should be able to move around the house as they wish without worrying about our dog. She is suggesting kennels or that our dog stays outside or is made to stay in one room. Our dog is small, very clam etc, so no trouble but I do understand that dogs aren’t for everyone.

Another relative has waded in and is asking if our dog can go elsewhere for the time they are all visiting, which is 3 days in total. I’ve said no, that won’t be happening. Now cousin and this other relative are trying to involve more relatives and get them to say they are not happy with the dog being here. I’ve ignored their texts and calls today. The texts are saying that cousin and her children will no longer be able to come if the dog stays, that I’m cruel to prioritise our dog over a child and that it’s too late for them to go anywhere else so I’m making her spend it alone as a single mum. The other relative is also now saying she is allergic to dogs so I would be making her Xmas difficult. There was no mention of this previously and she agreed to come knowing we had a dog.

Tomorrow I plan to text to say that if they no longer want to come, that’s a shame, but I understand and that if anyone else feels the same, to let me know due to food and drinks order.

My partner and kids (older) have said that next year we are staying home and no one is invited!

What do you think of the whole situation and do you think I’ve been fair? I really wish I hadn’t bothered inviting anyone.

My answer to them all would be....
"Our dog lives here, it's his/her home, you are guests. If you don't want to spend time in the company of the resident dog, then you are free to stay away, but if you would like to visit us, be aware that,as previously stated, our dog lives here and has as much right as anyone else (if not more) to be in any room he/she chooses".
That should plain enough for anyone to understand.

We got our first dog 8 years ago and it has had zero effect on people coming round to our home. The only time I could imagine this being an issue would be if you had a reactive dog.

Edited to say that the most social people we know are BIL/SIL and they have three dogs. Doesn't seem to hold them back

I would reply politely saying that you're sorry they can't make it but that you had made it clear in your original invite that you would have the dog at home so you're surprised it's suddenly become an issue. You could reiterate that it's a small dog and friendly and that you would keep it out of the room during dinner but if they aren't happy with that you understand, it's a shame. merry Xmas, see you another time.

Absolutely. Remove the invite, there's no chance they're going to come and behave themselves. Have a fab Christmas Op with your dog.

Has your cousins children met the dog? I was terrified of dogs as a young child but went on family holiday and aunt brought her dog... chased me around the holiday park first day but by end of the week we were besties and she layed across my lap all the way home ❤️.... the dog, not my Aunt 😅

I wonder if tricky and allergic relative is putting pressure on your cousin to try and get the dog removed whilst they're there or not go to yours entirely. Might explain why you feel cousin is behaving a bit out of character over this. If your cousin does go to you, despite the dog, then it looks like tricky relative would be on her own or would have to find somewhere else to go. If she can persuade your cousin not to go to yours because of fears over your dog and her kids then they could at least spend Christmas together. I'm guessing that prospect probably doesn't appeal to your cousin as much as it does tricky relative. Just a thought.

Actually dogs play a HUGE part in civilised society.
Maybe educate yourself a little on the benefits of having a dog in a family dynamic.
And thats before we get into any of the skills a service dog can offer.
Ive had dogs all my life. In 55 years not once has an invite been refused because of my dog.

May I kindly suggest that you probably got more visitors when you got a dog! I mean they are probably cuter than you. 😆

Your house, your rules. If they don’t like dogs or feel comfortable then they can poke off. We’ve had this before and asked to lock our dogs away. Absolutely not. This is their home and you are a visitor.

Put her kids in kennels and cousin in backyard. Hope your family and little dog have a wonderful Christmas x

👏 👏 👏

So did the two making a fuss get back to you?

Dear Family
As previously explained to you all, we are staying home with our dog this Christmas and you are welcome to join us. That's it. The dog will be there. Take it or leave it. Emotional blackmail is not acceptable .If you don't want to accept our invitation then please revert to your own plans. Please let me know by the xth if you are coming so I can plan the catering. Going forward we will be celebrating at home alone because we prefer the Dog's compsny to yours.

I was wondering the same. I'm quite invested in this one because they are so absolutely cheeky.

Assuming the two miserable fuckers didn’t have the decency to respond?

If so, I would post saying you will set up a separate group for those coming to yours for Christmas to discuss arrangements, and you hope everyone has a wonderful time.

Then drop the rope. The cousin will have to contact you because you have the presents so you can just leave it for her to do that. Don’t message her again.

Just a quick update as I know it can be annoying when OPs just disappear and I do appreciate you all posting your thoughts. I didn’t hear back from my cousin or allergic guest. I’m left feeling more annoyed than ever that they haven't even bothered to respond.

My partner, kids and I all agreed that them not responding at all means they’re now not invited even if they did contact me saying they wanted to come. I doubt they will but just in case.

I sent a message this morning to the group saying thanks to those who responded and said we look forward to seeing person A, B, C and D on 24th and that I’d set up a new group for us all to discuss food, sleeping arrangements etc. Then I set up the new group and all 4 have expressed shock at what has happened, given me a bit of sympathy and have said a few negative things about my cousin and allergic guest. I’ve kept out of that as although I’m annoyed, I’d rather say anything I have to say to my cousin and allergic guest directly in time. I did say let’s not let it spoil/overshadow Xmas but I think it will to a degree.

I am not particularly bothered by allergic relative but my cousin has hurt me and I do think there may be something more to it. My partner is saying I’m still making excuses for her which I probably am. I do feel it’s out of character but I know that even if there is something more going on, she didn’t need to have gone about things in the way she has when we have a good relationship and we have given her lots of support.

I feel a bit sad but I don’t think there is anything else I could or should have done.

I’m left waiting for my cousin to contact me to make arrangements about the children’s presents and we also have our own gifts for the children, my cousin and allergic relative. My partner and children are saying not to bother sending the gifts from us. I sort of agree but then I don’t want to be petty, it’s never who I’ve been and I’d rather not be the cause of any more drama.

Don’t feel guilty. This is a situation of their own creation. They had a choice whether to come or not and they have made their choice. I know you get on with your cousin OP but, seriously, this is poor behaviour from her. You have gone out of your way to support her, take delivery of her children’s gifts and put time into building her children’s gifts too. She made these arrangements knowing you have a dog! Entitled behaviour indeed. Behaviour like that deserves no further energy. So, now, focus on creating a lovely Christmas for you all, and your dog, and forget about the others.

I think you've handled this impeccably.

You’ve acted with excellent grace and dignity.

well done and have a fab Christmas.

Please make your WhatsApp profile picture, a photo of your dog with a Christmas hat !

"I feel a bit sad but I don’t think there is anything else I could or should have done."

Correct. And you will feel sad because not everything we experience in life is concluded neatly. You played it exactly right.

Hopefully they won’t come because they all sound like complete arseholes. Tell them sorry this is the dogs home you will just be a visitor, so his needs come first.

My partner and children are saying not to bother sending the gifts from us.

Perhaps the gifts for your cousin & her kids can be put in with what she is collecting/having couriered?

If it wouldn't cost too much money/time to post the other person's gift I might just do it.

"I feel a bit sad but I don’t think there is anything else I could or should have done."

Absolutely right!

I would let them know that they are no longer invited, it's your dogs home!

I agree with the posters upthread. You were clear when you issued the invitation that you have a dog. You have offered some reasomable adjustments like keeping him in one room and away from children. However the dog is clearly regarded as a part of your family and you sacrificed your own Easter trip to accommodate him being there. In the final analogy its your house and your rules.

Ah I feel for you OP. I am a conflict hating people pleaser and I know it must be so hard to have this hanging over you. It sounds like your children will be great at lightening the atmosphere 😊