Page 8 | DH and a colleague

Th8754 · 2025-12-05T22:39:43+00:00

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend. My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 06/12/2025 10:26

You absolutely can move your children from their school if the level of stress its causing your DH is making him ill. It’s not ideal but people do it all the time.
What are you retraining to do? many people work part time/ some hours and retrain at the same time- is that an option?
I wonder if he is telling his work colleague because you are not listening- you are not hearing him saying I am really struggling. I suggest you start to listen and to work together to see what potential solutions there are.

WhigfieldSaturdaynight · 06/12/2025 10:30

Thing is, the DH's work colleague is only getting half a story isn't she...? 🤔

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 06/12/2025 10:38

Of course your DH should not be discussing intimate issues about his family life with a colleague, however saying that, I do sometimes speak to my (male) colleagues about our teenagers in an eye rolling, 'you'll never guess what DD/DS did...' as they also have teenagers. (I work mostly exclusively with males)

The colleague has over stepped by judging you, i.e. not pulling your weight, and if the financial pressure is affecting him so much, then for sure take the kids out of private school. Maybe you need to re think why this is so important to you? Is this the source of disagreement between you and your DH?

You can absolutely take the kids out of private school if the family finances don't allow it, and a bit of a messed up family dynamic if your DH is struggling as the sole income provider and he doesn't seem to have a voice in any of this.

BillieWiper · 06/12/2025 10:38

I'm not surprised you're getting the hump about this. It's seems like it's almost like 'Brenda says this, Brenda thinks we should do that, Brenda thinks I do too much and you're lazy..'

It's like, are you sure she's even saying those things though? It sounds like he's just doing what he wants and using her as the reasons for his thinking. She may not have said anything of the sort.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/12/2025 10:46

He isn't doing anything he wants because OP is rough shodding over everything he says and their DD says.

Chocja · 06/12/2025 10:50

You do sound controlling and it doesn’t sound like your DH is talking about anything overly personal. I would understand if he was talking about your sex life but talking about problems with your DCs in this context is not overly personal. There is no flirting and it sounds like a genuine friendship and he needs that.

What are you doing to support your DH? It sounds like he is relying on his colleague for support rather than you so maybe see if you can reconnect with him. If his mental health is bad, can you find ways to help him such as joining in meditation or walks in the countryside?

liamharha · 06/12/2025 10:53

She's got far too much to say and needs to mind her own business .
I would urge you to think about why your partner is confusing in her aswell maybe she's telling him what he wants to hear and he's using she said as code for what he thinks .

liamharha · 06/12/2025 10:53

She's got far too much to say and needs to mind her own business .
I would urge you to think about why your partner is confusing in her aswell maybe she's telling him what he wants to hear and he's using she said as code for what he thinks .

*confiding

Bruisername · 06/12/2025 11:07

BillieWiper · 06/12/2025 10:38

I'm not surprised you're getting the hump about this. It's seems like it's almost like 'Brenda says this, Brenda thinks we should do that, Brenda thinks I do too much and you're lazy..'

It's like, are you sure she's even saying those things though? It sounds like he's just doing what he wants and using her as the reasons for his thinking. She may not have said anything of the sort.

It sounds more like OP doesn’t allow him any input and he never gets his way tbh

when you’re constantly told you’re wrong it impacts on your confidence so him discussing with someone else is validating to him that he isn’t always the one in the wrong

ultimately OP needs to listen to her DH and discuss where he has a different view and then he would be unlikely to focus with other people

BillieWiper · 06/12/2025 11:09

Bruisername · 06/12/2025 11:07

It sounds more like OP doesn’t allow him any input and he never gets his way tbh

when you’re constantly told you’re wrong it impacts on your confidence so him discussing with someone else is validating to him that he isn’t always the one in the wrong

ultimately OP needs to listen to her DH and discuss where he has a different view and then he would be unlikely to focus with other people

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Yeah you could be right there. Like he feels he needs to say another woman told him to do it. Rather than this is what I think, independently of anyone else.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/12/2025 11:11

Does your DH have anyone else he can discuss things with? Besides you that is..... Everyone needs someone to talk to. She's providing a sympathetic ear and saying what she thinks.
I don't think he's siding with her.
Just having his mind opened up and coming to his own decisions.

gannett · 06/12/2025 11:14

MyOliveCrow · 06/12/2025 09:36

I think they mean that men rarely develop these intense new friendships with men in the same way they do with women. Men make new male friendships, but they're rarely texting them every day and asking for life advice constantly.

I am not saying this is true, I have no real life experience of either of these things, I am simply responding to say that is what I think this poster is saying.
Over the last decade I have been lurking on MN, this scenario has come up a lot and tends to be an affair or emotional affair, even if just on the husbands side. However, MN is obliviously biased because you don't tend to panic that your husband has a new male friend.

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Yeah this is what I think they're always implying.

It's just not true though! Men make bromance-style male friendships all the time. Men make good friends with older women at work all the time - I've seen the "aunty" dynamic a lot, DP's best friend at his former workplace was a brilliant 60yo Greek grandmother. And they texted a lot, yes (and still do even though she's retired now).

What I'm saying is that for the kind of person who says that, the reason their "spidey senses" get triggered is because they perceive any Other Woman to be a threat first and foremost (unless disqualified through age), not because the friendship itself is untoward.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 06/12/2025 11:20

gannett · 06/12/2025 11:14

Yeah this is what I think they're always implying.

It's just not true though! Men make bromance-style male friendships all the time. Men make good friends with older women at work all the time - I've seen the "aunty" dynamic a lot, DP's best friend at his former workplace was a brilliant 60yo Greek grandmother. And they texted a lot, yes (and still do even though she's retired now).

What I'm saying is that for the kind of person who says that, the reason their "spidey senses" get triggered is because they perceive any Other Woman to be a threat first and foremost (unless disqualified through age), not because the friendship itself is untoward.

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Yes, I agree. It’s usually down to internalised misogyny. I also don’t believe in the concept of an emotional affair. Unless you’re actually declaring sexual and romantic feelings to another person, it’s not an affair. Emotional closeness, sharing personal information and regular contact are also absolutely normal things to happen in a friendship.

gannett · 06/12/2025 11:24

BarbarasRhabarberba · 06/12/2025 11:20

Yes, I agree. It’s usually down to internalised misogyny. I also don’t believe in the concept of an emotional affair. Unless you’re actually declaring sexual and romantic feelings to another person, it’s not an affair. Emotional closeness, sharing personal information and regular contact are also absolutely normal things to happen in a friendship.

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Agree, and it's especially batshit that a situation like this, which doesn't even feature any flirting and where not even the wife in question thinks it's an "emotional affair", is bringing out posters determined to see sex in every interaction. (They'll probably be the first to accuse men of being sex-obsessed too.)

EligibleTern · 06/12/2025 11:35

MyOliveCrow · 06/12/2025 09:10

This is absolutely not true at all. I am not a "cool wife" or whatever other derogatory term we're using today, but the OP's issues are much bigger than this colleague and this colleague is likely a symptom, not the cause. Deal with the cause; the lack of communication, the stress, the financial issues, whatever is making the daughter miserable, and this colleague relationship would likely change. Her DH is grabbing for something because he is so unhappy and OP isn't dealing with that unhappiness. The colleague is not the main problem right now, OP needs to refocus. If they fixed the other issues and the colleague relationship remained this way then I would be agreeing with you and advising they discuss boundaries, but they have much bigger issues and OP appears to not be dealing with any of it.

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I agree with this. It sounds like the colleague is the only outlet he has for the considerable stress he's under, and from her posts, OP doesn't sound easy to talk to or someone who wants to be part of the same "team". Someone said upthread that the DH has forgotten what team he's on, but nothing the OP has posted suggests equal teamwork or equal decision making to me. The colleague being a woman is a red herring.

Catwalking · 06/12/2025 11:40

This ‘colleague’; how old, has she any of her own children, is she still married, does she ask ‘D’H’s advice on child rearing -to the exclusion of her own partners opinions & experience?

OneNewLeader · 06/12/2025 11:42

He’s unwell, someone cares, he’s talking to them. You don’t like it. Sounds like he’s at breaking point, perhaps that’s the issue you should concentrate on? For what it’s worth if you’re DD doesn’t want you to attend her match, respect that.

Differentforgirls · 06/12/2025 11:49

Catwalking · 06/12/2025 11:40

This ‘colleague’; how old, has she any of her own children, is she still married, does she ask ‘D’H’s advice on child rearing -to the exclusion of her own partners opinions & experience?

😬

Fairyladyonwheels · 06/12/2025 12:01

It can be hard being the breadwinner all the time, maybe your husband can use his holidays to have some time off and recharge, you will be amazed at how many men get burn out from constant working. I would have a sit down talk to see how you can help your husband and look at getting a part time job to contribute, I agree with the colleague and I think it has hit a nerve, if the colleague had agreed with your side, I bet you would not had posted this post.

Original poster

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 12:09

Thank you for your input.
Our family setup is what we agreed on a long time ago. I get he has friends, etc, but the level of detail he shares with her is far too intimate. Now, thinking about it, she only hears his side of the story…I will sit down with him and discuss it all. I did tell him to get a new job, but he says that’s very difficult. I am not happy that she told him that I should step up and do more; that’s crossing a line.

OP posts:

Diarygirlqueen · 06/12/2025 12:12

Where's your accountability OP?
I feel sorry for your husband.

Bruisername · 06/12/2025 12:14

So what you agreed it a long time ago. It clearly isn’t working for your DH right now so you need to discuss it again

if you go into the discussion focussing on the colleague then you’re not going to make anything better

Theslummymummy · 06/12/2025 12:16

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 12:09

Thank you for your input.
Our family setup is what we agreed on a long time ago. I get he has friends, etc, but the level of detail he shares with her is far too intimate. Now, thinking about it, she only hears his side of the story…I will sit down with him and discuss it all. I did tell him to get a new job, but he says that’s very difficult. I am not happy that she told him that I should step up and do more; that’s crossing a line.

Long time ago being the operative word. Dynamics change. You need to get off your arse and get a job and contribute to your lifestyle.

Telling him to get a new job is beyond laughable., when you haven't got a job at all.

The colleague has not over stepped anything, she's telling him the same as the majority of the people commenting on this post. But you're so deaf, blind and stubborn you arent even willing to give it ago. Shameful.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 06/12/2025 12:17

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 12:09

Thank you for your input.
Our family setup is what we agreed on a long time ago. I get he has friends, etc, but the level of detail he shares with her is far too intimate. Now, thinking about it, she only hears his side of the story…I will sit down with him and discuss it all. I did tell him to get a new job, but he says that’s very difficult. I am not happy that she told him that I should step up and do more; that’s crossing a line.

Do you have friends of your own, OP?

What kind of things do you talk about with them?

Grammarninja · 06/12/2025 12:19

You don't like what this friend is saying/advising. She's your husband's friend so she's going to support him and give him advice. It would be the same if she was a man. It sounds like you are worried the advice that's being given is exposing some issues that your husband should have and that she's emboldening him to speak up about them.