DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

You do sound controlling, and your husband sounds exhausted. You seem to lack empathy.

If your daughter doesn't want you at her match, don't go #hypercontrolling

Do you ever talk to friends about issues with the kids? I know I do. I’m looking for alternative perspectives and ideas I might not have thought of. Some ideas I agree with others I don’t… you’re objecting because you don’t agree with her suggestions and because it’s a woman. If she said the same as you you wouldn’t mind.

Not that it’s the point but I agree with her suggestions too.

If you can't afford to pay the fees, you have no choice but to take them out. Stop being so entitled.

What are you retraining in Op, and what were you doing before this?

You sound very cold and lack emotion intelligence! I really feel for your husband and I’m glad he has someone to talk and gets sensible advice from! As you sound cold and completely selfish and unsupportive! I wouldn’t be surprised once the kids have left home - that you’ll be writing another post about how he’s left you and your completely shell shocked by it!

Not in such detail, no, it isn’t. It’s normal to talk about stuff with colleagues, but in a general, superficial way not in a way that the colleague knows so much detail and is being encouraged to comment and make judgements.

However, this woman is also to blame as she’s overstepped. It’s ok for her to listen to your DH talking about stress or whatever, but she should be making suggestions like, “Have you talked to your wife about just how hard you’re finding things?” ie a comment that keeps its distance, not having a go at you or passing judgement either way.

I had a male colleague who was having personal problems and often offloaded on me at lunch break, but I was scrupulous about not commenting on his wife or who was right in certain situations. My comments were always sympathetic but more neutral.

As for the comment on your DD’s match - again, not her business. She could have offered general suggestions or comments, but she shouldn’t be getting involved with your DD and your family life like this.

Yes you can. Changing schools is not a tragedy.

There’s some bonkers answers here.
OP is clearly worried about the amount her husband shares with this friend, and her ‘advice’ is trickling into her marriage.
This colleague has stepped waaaay over the line in saying that OP doesn’t pull her weight. The decisions OP and her husband made in their family set up is none of her business. How dare she say ( essentially) that he should be evaluating choices. Thats not her place to say.
I’m sure no one on mumsnet would be happy if their husband came home from work and basically said ‘ Jim at work says you need to do more’

In any other thread, if a woman said she was a stay at home mum and she felt her husband was investing significant energy in another woman, the advice would be for her to make herself as financially secure as possible- and retrain if needed.
OP, you got peoples backs up by saying your husband can’t talk to her, and by punishing your daughter for not wanting you at her match. Thats not fair. And looking at your husbands phone isn’t fair either. But obviously you don’t trust him.

There’s no way I would stop retraining as there’s a chance here that you will need to earn more.

However, if your husband is at crisis point, you need to be kinder to him, which means considering the impact his job has on him.

You sound a lot more concerned about your DH “discussing his family issues” and “leaning” on a female friend than you do about your DD “misbehaving” or your deteriorating marriage.

Also curious as to what the retraining is - how long will that take, can you do that part time to help him out. I think if he's confiding in this lady it's because he can talk to her in a way that he doesn't seem able to talk to you atm for various reasons. It's upsetting for sure but you can't just dictate who he speaks to. And she sounds like she is supporting him when he needs it (and therefore probably helping him manage his stress) so inadvertently maybe she's doing you a favour and I would see it as a wake up call.

<< I only speak to her because she listens>>

This might be a clue op. You know you can genuinely listen to your DH and give him space to tell you his worries. If you don't you can't really blame him if he goes and talks to someone who does listen.

Whilst he probably is freezing you out, he is telling you why he is doing that, you just aren't listening again.

I know it is not easy since his worries about his health will be a real worry for you too so it may be difficult to hear but he is telling you she listens to him and you don't. You don't have to fix all his problem to listen to them, just not be defensive if what he says triggers your worries. You are entitled to your worries and needs but he is entitled to his as well

You need to stop obsessing about the other woman and focus on improving your conmunication and connection with your husband.

have all the people criticising this woman for involving herself in their marriage considered that her DH is using ‘x says’ as a way to try and get his opinion heard? It doesn’t sound like he feels he is listened to and is trying to get support so he can show his opinion has some worth.

the issue here isn’t the colleague - it’s that OP doesn’t seem to countenance other opinions to her own and is starting to get kick back from the kids which is emboldening her DH to try and express his opinions

Is it? This lady is having to support a colleague that is struggling and she sounds like (if there's no affair potential) that she's doing it so her own work life is kept manageable too as failing team members drag everyone down. I could be completely wrong and maybe it's an emotional affair. But maybe honestly she isn't pulling her weight? Are you working at all OP or is that tricky because of issues, medical or something else. Help us help you.

This.

Someone who doesn’t think anytime their partner speaks or is friends with a woman they will fall into their vagina.

I totally agree with you, been there done that and bought the T shirt. I learned a very hard lesson. You really need to be talking to eachother and sorting these things out together so no, I do not think you ABU

Exactly, OP’s husband is so stressed he is unwell, that has to take a toll on the rest of his team.
OPs husband has literally said he only talks to her as she listens, meaning that no one else does or at least he feels that no one else does and that is probably accurate.
OP ‘can’t’ work as she’s retraining, the children ‘have’ to go to private school because that’s all they’ve ever known.
If this is how the OP listens to her DH’s concerns, ill health and stress levels the problem is not colleague that’s probably had enough of being a sounding board and said ‘you need to evaluate why you are doing all of this’ which sounds like really good advise for someone in his shoes. If a male colleague had said ‘ mate, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether, it’s time to sit and have a think about what’s important to you’ no one would have batted an eyelid.

Yes, this. ^ When I saw the title of the thread, I KNEW it would be a female colleague, (that a woman's husband is over-friendly with at work,) and almost definitely younger.

How old are the kids and are you working OP?

I agree its a bit innappropriate.

I really doubt that a husband retraining and not providing for the household would get a positive comment on MN either so is defibetly not onlt women. Nevertheless, the kids seem to be in school and grown up, she does not have to stop retraining, a part time job 3 days a week show some effort and the fact she does not leave all the financial load on DH.

You normally find these 'cool wives' are actually terribly insecure and its just a front.

My DH had work stress. One day he came home early then proceeded to decline mentally facing years and years of mental ill health. He will never work again.

Had I realised and had the opportunity to head this off I would have. Your husbands friend obviously sees how badly effected he is - messaging about work stress early int he morning is not a good sign.

What is bothering you the most? The fact he is expressing his concerns about his personal life to a woman or the fact that her advice is right?

How do you normally find that?