DP’s family have uninvited my DLabrador from Christmas

[Hols25]

Feeling a bit pissed off. First Christmas with DP and he invited me to his parents house. They live a few hours away so I haven’t been there before, but have met them once for a meal where we live.

DP knows I have sole custody of my DL following breaking up with my ex last year, and he hates going into kennels. When he asked me about Christmas, I checked about whether DL could join and he said yes.

Fast forward to today and he’s told me his parents aren’t able to accommodate DL. They aren’t really dog people and are worried about their cream carpets.

It turns out he hadn’t actually checked with them before and only spoke to them last night.

This means I can’t go and won’t be spending Christmas with DP or the days either side as he’s travelling the morning before.

He says its just one of those things.

AIBU to feel upset with him?

This is not about the dog. It's about your DP being unable to be straight with either his family or you and taking the path of least resistance. Pretending to ask them, then admitting he hadn't means that he's more afraid of them and their reactions than he cares about you.

This will pervade your entire relationship. He will say yes to people to keep them happy without the least intention of doing what he has promised, and you will be the one he does this to the most.

Forget the dog issue, deal with the DP issue.

Having a custody battle over a dog is insane. And I say that as someone who has a dog and whose dogs were my babies before the babies. Nonetheless had we split up we'd have amicable agreed to have the dog in whichever home suited it best. A custody battle FFS. Over a dog.

I think you are deliberately trying to wind people up. You do know that there are many Mums on erm... Mumsnet that might be in a genuine custody battle. Your constant referral to a dog in this context is getting a bit weird.

It's a Labrador.

Give over on the custody battle, it can't cope with kennel bollocks. It's completely weird and ott.

The whole vibe is ridiculously overwrought. He’s a pretty new boyfriend, in terms of her and his family, and this dog isn’t a human infant. OP is inflating the significance of both.

He's a dog. They don't get confused and particularly labradors who are happy with anyone as long as they get a walk and food.

Too late now as Christmas in 3 weeks but going forward you need to book kennels or home boarding. People do not want to host dogs and I say that as a dog owner. There is not a chance I'd expect to take ours to someone's house for Christmas day. Walk it first then leave it tucked up with toys.

Christmas at home with your lab sounds perfect! Many would love to swap places with you!

Red flag for the arsehole partner who lied to you.
His parents are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Labradors don’t get confused 🤣 my god, it’s a bloody dog. If it gets walked and fed it’s happy. Never mind that your boyfriend is a shit communicator, you’ve got bigger issues with the humanising of this dog.

i wouldn't go and I'd be livid that he left it to the last minute like this. My cats are family, if people don't like them they needn't come here.
He needs to be more proactive and not just leave things.
i can understand his parents don't want animals on their cream carpets but for me my animals come first.

Im spending christmas on my own with my cats. Absolute heaven. I can't leave my 18 year old because she's very old.

Are you ok OP? I know you love your dog and they become family but he’s NOT your child, you didn’t give birth to him and I’m not sure you had a ‘custody battle’ - did you go to court?? It’s a little weird the way you talk about him.

Anyway, I’m glad you checked in. I wanted to say I’m sorry you’re not spending your first Christmas together, I know how special and exciting that is in a new relationship. I think if you partner is truly invested he should spend Xmas Eve, Christmas morning with you and then go to his parents and you go to your brothers. But then have a serious talk about future events if you’re not going to be able to take the dog.

FYI me and my husband didn’t spend our first Christmas Day completely together. We did what I have suggested for you. He went off to his family, who Iive quite far away, at lunch time and I spent the day with mine. He came back late Boxing Day. We had a lovely Christmas Eve, presents and breakfast Christmas morning and it was still special. I hope you get at least this.

Completely agree with this. Hope you and DL have a lovely Christmas. Bet you’ll have a nicer time than you would’ve done at the ILs anyway.

Really out of order of your DP to have told you your DL (love that!) was welcome when in fact he never even asked them about it. Your DP to blame not his parents. I’d be saying he will have to choose who he comes to for Xmas then : either you or his parents. Your DL is unable to go to kennels period. People who say oh it’s being precious the dog will be fine have obviously never had a dog with either severe separation anxiety, or one that gets severely distressed by the experience. Forcing the dog to go can mean a whole raft of behavioural & emotional consequences as a result, including your dog becoming unnecessarily (but understandably) clingy, unable to be left for any time as a consequence & create or worsen a separation anxiety they never had before. Making life very difficult & restrictive as a result. It is also cruel to subject an animal to an abandonment they don’t understand & you will hardly be able to relax knowing that they’re suffering. You know your dog & you know if they will cope - so again to all those who say how do you know how your dog will cope until you try - you do know. It is however a big ask for his parents to accept or accomodate your DL in their home, especially if they’re not dog people. Nor should they have to welcome your DL as part of the package of you going there. But I don’t think you are expecting them to & simply asked your DP to ask them if they would be happy to. I suppose the fact that you had no further discussion about it or checked with your DP where DL would be, whilst at theirs or while eating & where they’d be happy for them to sleep etc, makes me think some of the responsibility for this does lie with you. You didn’t scope it out enough imo - this would have thrown up inconsistencies & exposed that your DP hadn’t even consulted them. As it’s quite surprising really for others to be happy to accommodate an animal for Xmas & have them stay.

So imo you’re going to have to do plan B which is you & DL for Xmas the 2 of you - & maybe visit DP & his parents on Boxing Day with dog in the car while you’re eating & then out for a walk together & then home. Or if DP is willing to come back to yours on Boxing Day? But you can’t expect to leave your dog in the car for any length of time either.

Ok his parents were being polite when they said they agreed to meeting your dog. Notice no date was set? Just being polite. They are hardly going to say to a besotted owner ‘nah I don’t really like dogs’ and they are definitely not going to say ‘and it will never be in my house’

please note that all dogs do smell. They smell of dog. Some stronger than others. People who don’t like dogs can find this smell repulsive. And they definitely wouldn’t want a dog in their house for hours on end.

your other half is an idiot for not establishing this sooner. I suspect it’s because he was chicken! He knew his parents wouldn’t agree to it.

My dog wouldn’t have crapped on the floor - dog owners are great about toilet training. I would have taken her in the garden every 20 mins, crated her in between, etc. In life, we often try to help others, have peoples partners over for Xmas we may not like, welcome kids who can also smell and be a handful, and that’s part and parcel of life. A well-behaved dog wouldn’t bother anyone, a puppy could be a handful, but there are absolute workarounds for hosts that are flexible, kind, welcoming and relaxed - I’d never turn someone away - I’m flexible, kind, welcoming and relaxed. It’s a dog for goodness sake - hardly a big deal.

Custody battle?

Over a stinky dog?

Just wow.

And yes, ALL dogs fucking stink - owners are noseblind to it. Probably that smell is what then inhibits owners' ability to discern between a human and a filthy mutt.

SMH / JFC.

It's a random dog to them, how are they supposed to know if it is well behaved? If they aren't dog people, it would mean them not having a relaxing Christmas in their own home which is hardly fair or kind to expect.

I get your frustration but that’s down to your dp. Just tell him you won’t be joining him at his parents and call your brother instead. I don’t get preciousness over carpets etc but I love dogs too (my dog passed away alas) and we had joint custody so I do understand that element that people are questioning. I would be seriously questioning if this is the right relationship as he obviously makes assumptions without asking and you won’t be welcomed at his parents with your dog

Absolutely howling 😂 scarlet for you OP. I think you’re quite an intense person.

Now I see it's definitely a wind up.

😅.

She’s not annoyed with in laws she’s annoyed either her partner for not checking already

I'm not going to wade in on whether or not you are overly attached to your dog op, as plenty have already, and I am also aware that before I had children I had very different ideas about how robust they are and how certain things were appropriate that I now don't think are. When someone or something doesn't belong to you it is easy to be more dismissive of them ,and I'd rather you were a overly kind dog owner than a neglectful one.

BUT given this dog has been the subject of a stressful "custody battle" and given the ILs don't want him there, clearly the right thing for you to do is stay with him. Yes, your BF ought to have clarified things sooner, but it isn't a long-term relationship; a few months ago you would not have been expecting to go to his family for Christmas as you didn't know they existed.

If this were a longer term thing I would think him persisting with his plan to go was unfair, but it isn't longer term and he should be with his family at Christmas. Try your DB or snuggle up with DL for a day of doing whatever you fancy - and I hope you have a lovely day!

Well I did think on first reading it was the DL who had "said" he didn't want to see the ex again as it had all been too stressful for him! And I definitely thought the game was up!

Sorry but is this thread a complete wind up? 😂