To have expected him to make sure I got home ok?

[Muffinmoo]

First date last night with a guy who spent most of the evening telling me about how rich he was and all the companies he had owned and sold.

Left the restaurant, freezing outside. I am having trouble getting an uber. He is just standing there watching me struggle to try and book a cab. He suggests I get a black cab. Tell him I can’t really afford it. Eventually I give up and say I will walk to the tube which is about a 5-10 minute walk (I’m in heels). He walks with me part way before leaving me alone at gone midnight to go to his easiest tube stop. I have to walk to the tube in the dark by myself. He could have got the same tube line from the same station as me.
AIBU for expecting him to at least walk me to the tube if not help get me taxi??? Or is that too much these days?! 🙈

If you live and work in London and presumably use the tube all the time why wouldn't it occur to you to use the nearest tube station? Or use a black cab as far your preferred station? Why choose to walk alone somewhere you thought was dangerous?It makes no sense.

This.

What do you do when you go out with female friends? What would you do if you are dating a woman?

Yes, someone who is petty and stingy when dating - whether male or female - will likely stay petty and stingy for life. But that's not really what I'm talking about at all.

I'm talking about the difference between men who regard their dates as equals and those who feel obliged to act in a certain way because of heavily gendered expectations.

Why not? Or chocolates?

Do you go out on your own most days??? Yes? Do you expect strangers to check you get home ok? Or does your boss check you got home? - I very much doubt it. Sounds like this guy has had a lucky escape

What a ridiculous comment.

You seem to feel there is no expectation on you. It isn’t about the man wanting 50 50. It’s about the woman having enough self respect and independence to be able to pay her way. This man didn’t expect 50 50. The issue is you wanted 100 and zero.

And this applies to both men and women. There was only one person who was petty and stingy on this date.

Of course she could afford a black cab. She didn't want to pay for it.

This is nonsense, sorry.

My dad is a multi millionaire - he takes the bus often. Just because you have money doesn't mean you spend it on unnecessary things.

Same as he doesn't fly first class even though he could afford to - he doesn't personally value it so he doesn't

All the rich people I know love a bargain and shop at The Range etc

Why is it ridiculous?

Good summary. The OP is stuck in the 1950s. Teetering around in heels, insisting on first dates buying her dinner and then expecting the men to hand out cash for a black cab (whilst pretending she would be ok paying it back). This isn’t high standards. It’s reinforcing women as weaker and dependent. Yuk.

You chose to wear heels, you left the house without sufficient funds to get yourself home by taxi, and chose to leave the restaurant once it was too late for more convenient options. You set yourself up for this. Why would you rely on a man you'd just met, who clearly wasn't so taken with you for him to offer help?

No you’re right, we should continue to do everything for men despite there being completely unequal treatment in society as a whole including pay inequality, and the basic biological fact that it is only women who experience the financial and physical disadvantages of giving birth.

I completely agree with these words.

And even if you do want a marriage that looks traditional - and I am a strong believer in the idea that we shouldn't criticise or limit women in any way, which includes the the freedom to choose a life that may look very traditional - I think you want it to be a decision that is made from a position of strength and an ability to choose, not because it is expected of you or you have no other options.

It gets dark by 1630 at the moment in London. I wonder if the OP is housebound.

I don’t think it’s an equal comparison though.

Women are far more likely to be left as a single mother, so a stingy woman isn’t really a flight risk for men in the same way.

I needed to know money and splitting things down to the penny wasn’t a priority to the man I eventually settled with. I’m now disabled and on unpaid leave for a few months for various reasons, DH hasn’t even mentioned the money side and we share 1 account. My friend whose ex boyfriend had a ‘50/50’ obsession now earns £100,000 a year while she is on UC, but will text her to ask for half of a £1 toothbrush for their son. He never left the ‘we contribute equally or not at all’ mentality.

people aren’t sticking up for him as such, they’re saying it simply indicates he doesn’t like her, and felt no need to conform to a ‘standard’ that he possibly would had he liked her. If his own boundaries are such that he does in fact like women who behave like this, then yes, obviously it was a silly thing not to invest two minutes in.

You’re so hilarious!

This thread is totally bizarre. He most definitely should of walked you to the station OP.
I particularly like the PP stating that they are "not the one going out dating strangers" 🤣🤣🤣
I'd probably of paid for a black cab, given I hadn't had to pay for my meal though.

I don’t do everything for men. Quite the opposite, as I have said.

Financially we pooled resources when I was on mat leave for nine months. I went back to my job full time so was not worse off at all. Physically I was lucky enough to be ok.

We are true equals.

I went out late last night to watch my son in a show in his university town. I had to come back at midnight alone in an unfamiliar place. I stuck to well-lit main roads which were busy. I was fine. It’s never 100% safe anywhere. But we have to get a grip and manage without relying on men for everything!

But you carry on playing the victim in your high heels with your hand out for taxi money. Some men are into that kind of thing. Hopefully you will find each other.

How ON EARTH is any of this relevant to your original post?!?

Well it’s not me crying about having to walk home ‘alone in the dark’!

No idea - I’m simply reacting to the posters who are telling me I’m ‘from the 1950s’ and I’m just pointing out not a huge amount has actually changed in terms of ‘equality’ except in ways that ironically benefit men.

I actually think there is generally a Londoner thing going on. I am a Londoner and have been all my life - every single woman I know walks places on their own at night sometimes and wears clothing/shoes that makes that practical. Because that's just London life! You can't afford to take cabs everywhere and often your friends are going in opposite directions to you so you can't travel together.

I think that extends to date etiquette as well.

OP keeps saying it's about standards but I think it's more about values.

Some women want to be "taken care of" and have that vibe to their relationship. That's not about standards, that's just personal preferences.

I have very high standards - unlike many women, I have never put up with doing more housework, childcare, my career being considered secondary. But I don't feel any need to be paid for or walked places - just not important to me.

Spot on.