To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

Tbh unless there's a lot more going on than you've shared I don't think this hotel stuff is a good idea at all and in fact has made things worse. It will have distanced you from the children further and I can't understand the logic of it at all. That said they can't be around any further upset so if you're not up to seeing them then perhaps best left as it is for the time being but if you can make a go of it I'd be suggesting they swing by the house even just for a short hello/ on the pretence of picking something up (like you have cakes for them or something nice) because this current arrangement feels like the road to nowhere . Good luck

Can I ask again, because it seems crucial to this dysfunctional family dynamic: in what way are you trauma bonded to him?

And what are the lies and hurt he has caused you.

YABVU yes.

I am sorry you are struggling but you are utterly wrong to try to take your husband away from spending time with his children. That is selfish.

Deleted as I miss important context later int he thread!

Can I just send you a hug. Bad health news is never easy, and having to be 'tough mum' for a sick child/adolescent is enormously draining so anyone who doesn't reach their limits is incredibly lucky.

Is there anything you can do for yourself while he's away? Obvs, I know that depends on how much support your DC needs, but could you try? I know right now you may well not feel as if you want to do anything except hide under the duvet, and fwiw I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you've had all you can cope with, which always seems to happen at the worst possible time, doesn't it?

Good luck to all of you.

I see why you asked him OP, but i don't think changing his plans is the answer. Sorry to hear you are struggling. Your stepkids sound like brats. After Xmas your DH should tell them they will be spending a day a week with you all together, even somewhere neutral and if they kick off he will have to give up that day and not see them.

This doesn't help your current feelings about your mental health. There is a lot of help out there if you need it. If you want some sympathetic chat about your health and thoughts, maybe try the Togetherall app, or see if somebody in local mental health will speak to you over the weekend. Taking your own life is never the answer.

But you expect him to be a atepdad to your kids and put a tree up..im assuming his children dont live near you so unless hes having an affair or staying with his ex hes being a jolly good father

I understand you’re really struggling right now but I don’t think he was unreasonable to say no, contact with his children is important and I’m guessing there’s some possibly messy backstory to explain why he’s not seeing them at your home, so cutting it short or cancelling altogether is going to cause further damage to the relationship.

Do you really have no one else to support you at this time? No friends or family to spend time with especially when you’re going through a difficult time?

So you are the breadwinner in the family, have you been paying for these hotel stays? Reading your posts, I sense you are feeling too drained to fight and he is taking advantage of your desire to be one big happy family and you taking the hit for it. I implore you to concentrate on your DC and your MH so that they don't look back at these years and feel like it was dominated by a spoilt man and his DC. They are at vulnerable ages and it must be heartbreaking for them to see you so mentally exhausted mainly by your DH's behaviour. I would be interested to know how long you have been feeling this way - before you met your DH or since he moved out at weekends?

I think the solution you have asked for is wrong- dh shouldn't spend less time with his kids, what he needs to do is step up and start parenting them properly.

First off he needs to make it very clear that you are his wife and he will not be going back to their mother.

They should be staying at home not a hotel. He needs to tell them that certain behaviour is unacceptable and consequences will follow.

A realistic sanction for poor behaviour would be removal of screen time. He should not be making threats not to see them if they misbehave - parental contact should be automatic and shouldn't come with conditions attached.

But also - reward good behaviour. Maybe a movie night or similar. Lots of cinemas are screening classic Christmas films like home alone and Elf over the next few weeks.

If he wasn’t with you, is there a chance your DH would get back with his ex? If not, he needs to make this very clear to his DC.

also he needs to start actually parenting them, setting some boundaries and discipline. Getting their dad all to themselves in a hotel is just getting their own way and rewarding them for poor behaviour.

But you just said you “have something so special” - now you’re saying he lies to you and hurts you?

Ive mainly read your responses OP and a few comments and I kind of agree with the few that are saying that the issue is that his children from his first marriage are being given way too much freedom.

I come from a divorced family and I’m currently in a blended family. It is hard because it all depends on personalities and ensuring there isn’t any jealousy - but the only way I see this settling is having a grown up conversation with you, your husband and his ex.

I personally think for blended families to work, adults need to sit together, put a plan together and put aside feelings and figure out what’s next for the kids. Is the exw with anyone? I do find sometimes it’s hard on the single partner to make arrangements.
Young children are smarter than we think but they are also easily led.

I can’t give much advice apart from having a 3 way conversation including the ex. If you can’t even agree to that, that is the next problem to tackle. Or, as you have predicted, it may affect your marriage. I my

She has been honest, read the updates.

You do know that seeing there dad less isn’t a suitable or just punishment? That it was a stupid thing to threaten them with. To expect him to follow through on that threat isn’t reasonable. I’ve made idle threats in the past. I think I got up to a 6 month ban on tech because my son was back chatting. I had to pedal back but I made him do lots of chores to pay off his ban so I sort of got away with it.

as he been staying at the hotel for 4 weeks or longer. If it’s only 4 weeks since you’ve seen them then that’s really not as long as it may feel

Eight and Nine are not little children. All kids are manipulative.

OP I haven't read through the entire thread - but I'm so angry on your behalf! Its the majority of posters on here that are being unreasonable! It's like the moment a step-parent posts - all reason is lost.

It is a shuffle you are asking for not for him to cut contact with his children for goodness sake. You have even done the same for him and ex-wife in the past.

You are being FAR from unreasonable and the interests of the WHOLE family need to be taken on board.

Being in a hotel 3 days in a row does not make for a good family life.

Honestly OP I don't see how it's too much to ask, ONCE, that he support you with your health and sacrifice one day with his DC.

You are important too.

I can only think with the kids saying they wish he was back together with mum that his behaviour is driven by guilt.

Either that or he just doesn't give a toss about you, or could he be burnt out dealing with the kids' clashing plus supporting you through your MH issues which it sounds like have been going on a while sadly.

The step kids' behaviour sounds annoying and bratty but not extreme. I can understand why you wanted to try something different though. But it's just supporting their belief that you and your DH don't belong together.

@breakdown2025 - I don't think you will get many useful replies now. Too many posters adding their tuppence worth without reading all your posts. Although it has to be said that your explanations and elaborations have come in drips, often disjointed or without context or elaboration.

Maybe you can regroup, go through the thread when you feel strong enough, make notes of things that seem relevant, and post again in one of the specialised forums rather than AIBU, e.g. Step-parenting or Relationships. But please try and include everything that is relevant, particularly your past relationship with your stepchildren and their relationship with your teenagers, as well as the things that your husband does to hurt you, and his lies.

In the meantime, I hope the therapy you are about to start will go some way towards helping you to get better💐

I think it's a really bad idea for posters with fragile mental health to post on AIBU, and I think you should ask MN to move this to a different section - chat or step-parenting.

I'm almost always on the side of the children in these posts, but in this instance I don't think YABU and I do think you're getting some real venom that could be damaging if you're already struggling.

Sending a hug.

The boundary set was he wouldn’t see them as much. Stupid thing to threaten and an obvious one to not expect him to stick to

All very well saying it's only once. But the arrangement has only been in place a month. The kids need to see their dad and their mum doesn't need to accommodate OP.

I think I’d be very resentful towards DH. He’s not exactly fighting for you is he.

YANBU.

If you can’t lean on your husband for support every now and then, then somethings not right. He’s obviously dedicated to seeing his children which is great, but one weekend (unless that’s the one he’s using the celebrate Xmas with his kids on?) isn’t going to make any difference to the kids but could make a huge difference to you.

Wishing you all the best OP. Your kids need you be ok - make sure you reach out for help if you start to feel suicidal again. Go to A&E if you have to. Lots of hugs and support.