To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

This is how it feels.

Have you post this before prior to the hotel?

Im sure there was a op last year who had moved on rather fast, new husband was useless with his children, she had mental health issues, older children with Sen and was the breadwinner.

If you are then You should have left back then.

If not, then don’t waste your life with a man who is a ineffective parent to the extent that his children can’t be in your shared home and that your mental health is spiralling and your children are suffering because of it.

You both need to put your own children first and in this case that means separation realistically.

OP can you tell us about your teenagers and why one of the reasons for the kids being moved to a hotel, was because they wound them up?

What exactly happened that caused this extreme reaction?

Did one of the teens retaliate and now their mum is insisting they're not allowed at yours?

Could your DH be keeping this from you?

I agree. I think you all need a total reset. The hotel weekends stop. The SC come to you for weekends and you all work hard - with professional help - to make this blended family work, with very hard boundaries set. Your husband doesn't get to do the Disney act any more. But this will only work if he's 100% on board. If not, I worry this ongoing set up will harm your mental health even more, and you deserve more than that. You may have to cut your losses and leave.

I’m sorry that you are struggling. Am I right in interpreting that your hubby started the hotel thing with his kids 4 weeks ago and 3 weeks ago you had a mental health breakdown?

just checked my dates were a bit out sorry. This is the 3rd weekend of this so it started November 21st and my break down was the 12th

Absolutely. And the hotel weekends are just ridiculous

OP, this all sounds like a difficult mess of a situation and I think any attempt to pin the blame on one person or thing is going to be harmful not helpful.

But I do think that it's worth acknowledging that you had a breakdown and threatened suicide and the next week your DH chose to start seeing his DC away from the home. And after two weekends of that you're already asking him to make changes to emotionally support you. I think there are a lot of people who responded previously without an understanding of the timeline or how short of a timespan this hotel arrangement has actually been going on for.

I'm glad you're starting therapy soon and I hope it helps. I do think you should talk to the therapist about this situation and what sort of family counseling and parenting help might be helpful next steps - it's very true that this isn't sustainable or ideal long-term. But in the meantime I think you should let your DH go see his DC as planned.

While I do sympathise with you, having experienced episodes of poor mental health in the past, I think you need to accept that your husband is going to be away for the weekend and come up with a mental health crisis plan. This is what I have done in the past and is an important means of managing your own mental health proactively. Google 'mental health crisis plan ideas', the AI result is pretty good and will provide you with a useful template. I'm glad you are starting therapy on Tuesday but this won't be a quick fix and so I think you need to learn to manage your condition as best you can and accept that others can't always be on hand to support us as much as we'd like them too.

Yanbu. Asking your husband for help when you’re literally suicidal isn’t unreasonable. Nor is being annoyed that when it’s your kids time off he’s not there with no exception. Could you send your kids to the hotel too for a break?

He takes his kids to a hotel every weekend instead of dealing with their behaviour properly and putting boundaries in place? And this has been going on for a whole year?

He is a shit dad and a shit husband. It sounds as though you would be much better off without him.

I think this is unfair.
The children should be able to see their parents’ wedding photos. They should be allowed to ask questions. They probably mentioned about their parents getting back together and the relative said “Oh that won’t happen, darling. Everyone has moved on and is happy. Your dad is married to Breakdown2025 now”

You can’t refuse to have conversations with children.

No. He's done it for the past two weekends.

3 weekends, not a whole year.

But the OP wants him to cut down the next weekend by one night.

I'm not sure what would happen the following weekend or the one after that.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread OP.

I think you need to think hard about what’s best for you and your own dc here. As hard as it may be I fear that your dh and the situation with his dc are making your mental health issues worse? He isn’t really supporting you. Do you really want to continue this way? Because I fear it will just get worse. Trying to blend a family is almost impossible especially with teens. I am not sure I could put myself or my dc through it. I was a step parent for many years, it was hard work and eventually it broke me. Being aways from it now with just my 2 dc is so much easier, I don’t think I could ever be involved with someone with children (under 16) again.

From her latest updates I think that this weekend will be the 4th weekend in a row that her DH has gone to a hotel with his children. Before that his DC were still coming to hers theirs as was the usual routine. But I am still confused about a couple of things: one being, does the DSC's mother never want to have them at home with herself for a weekend - if not then I would be more worried about their mental health, as it must seem to them like their DM doesn't want to spend any fun time with them, and two: the OP's DH apparently sees them for one day midweek - the OP hasn't mentioned the midweek stay icludes another overnight stay with them (presumably that would entail at least one other night in a hotel) -so he sees his DC for a day during the week, but surely they are at school during the week? Like I said, I am quite confused by their set-up, which may be just because I don't understand it?

Timeline OP provided:
-Just over 3 weeks ago on 12 Nov she had a breakdown and discussed or threatened suicide.
-The next weekend on 21 Nov and the weekend after that her DH took his 8 and 9 year-olds to a hotel instead of having them at the house, though on one of these weekends OP's own DC would have been at their dad's not at home.
-Tomorrow is the third weekend he was planning to see his DC at a hotel and OP wants him to shorten it to provide more emotional support to her.

I'm not so sure that this is about conflict between the two sets of DC.

This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.

That’s not set in stone, though. Just move it to a different time that works for everyone.

Who is funding his hotel stays? You said you are the main earner. I hope not you.

If that’s true, then what’s the problem? He’s ‘with’ his DC for however many days, they can come to the house and help decorate? If you’re looking to include all the DC then you dont have a problem. Unless of course you are only referring to your DC.

Who is paying for the hotel stays?
You say you would be better off financially if you split. I suspect that you, and your children, would also be better off emotionally.
The situation is ridiculous.
Put your DC and yourself first OP - I'd consider splitting.

The problem is that his children don't want to be there - that's why he sees them in the hotel.

So the hotel stays only started after your breakdown. That does seem more that he is actually trying to protect his children tbh.

so I stand by my previous comment for both sets of children you should separate. Your mental health is a wreck no good for your children, also no good for his children as well as the other issues.

In the OP she said she’s missing out on the festivities at this time of year and wants DP home to decorate with the kids… she then when onto deny she meant her DC when that’s clearly what she meant.

OP later went on to state that she may not be cut out to be a stepparent and has shared posts that clearly demonstrate a strained and unfortunate relationship with the DSC. OP has openly stated that she wants DH home to spend with her and her children to protect her mental health and has asked him to see DC less to meet her needs in that regard.

OP.. YABU!

Seeing it set out so clearly certainly suggests a different picture.