To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

Sadly, it sounds like a blended family life isn’t in the best interest for all involved. Especially your husbands children.

I hope you manage to get some professional psychiatric support for you mental health soon and you start to feel well again.

But, I think it’s probably time for you and your husband to seriously consider if this marriage is worth it. Ultimately, all the children and their wellbeing should come first.

Sorry that you're having a hard time OP, but there will be other people impacted by him changing his plans. Not just the children, but maybe their mother has plans that can't be easily changed. I can imagine him being slagged off for changing plans just before Christmas and disrupting things for his ex.

The hotels have to stop. Start having his DC when yours are at their dad’s and then start integrating them again. He needs to be on board with disciplining poor behaviour. Is he afraid they will stop wanting to see him? If he continues like this then he will end up with two spoilt brats who think they can do what they like.

Wow. My eldest DD's father prioritised his new wife and their child over her. She doesn't speak to him and the damage done to her is immeasurable. So yes YABU and completely self absorbed. Mental health issues or not.

I have never heard such a ridiculous story when so many adults need to grow up!! Why would it matter if a relative showed wedding pictures?? Everyone has a past and is curious about where they came from. There was some natural sibling rivalry and jealousy so you farm them off to a hotel and this has been going on for some time. Again, completely extreme and unnecessary. There are children and there are adults in this scenario but it seems the children run the show. Sounds like you need to be making a lot more effort with them so it feels like home and they feel included. How unwelcome must they feel being banned from their home.

So you’ve been struggling every weekend for a year with all four children together.

This struggle or something else caused you to have a suicidal episode one weekend.

By the following weekend it was decided that the step-children wouldn’t come to your house any more.

After two such weekends, you want him to drop one of the nights he spends in a hotel with his children so he can stay at home with you because you’re having suicidal feelings again.

This whole situation is a shitshow. I can’t see who it’s helping.

You need mental healthcare.

Your children need two competent parents.

Your DH needs a sustainable solution for seeing his children.

The stepchildren need two competent parents.

The ex-wife needs to spend a weekend with her children. Are her custody arrangements court ordered?

Im afraid the “so special” isn’t washing. Your DH has failed at his first relationship, can’t parent his children effectively, needs you for his current financial situation to be as it is, can’t support his current wife to her needs, is absent as a stepdad for 4 days out of 7. You are considering suicide when you have two dependent children. This isn’t a special relationship. It’s a nightmare situation that needs to be resolved asap. I think you are in so deep you can’t see that competing for the company of this man with his 8 and 9yo children is insane. He’s not helping you. He’s making everything worse.

Your husband is being an arse. He has 'shown' you who he is - his children are his priority (I'd say that is the way it should be.. ) but he is not trying to integrate them or support you - he's gutless

I think you should leave him - I think your mental breakdown will be linked to two things..

1 - your not respected

2- the time of year would suggest to me you need a healthy old dose of vit d (if you are not already taking some) the lack of light will make you feel dire.

Sorry you are going through a bad time in your mental health.. how are your kids do you have family support.
I do think it's unfair to expect partner to give up any time with his children it's a big ask when we have blended families we have to be clear where our boundaries lie ..

You sound like you don't like your SC very much. It comes across very clearly in your posts you don't like them and found them disruptive to your "quiet disciplined family home".? Not theirs then. Children aren't stupid and will have picked this up. So they played up. As little kids do when they feel hurt and unwelcome. What would you have done if they were your DC. ? Decided they should stay elsewhere? Shocking behaviour from both the adults.

You said earlier that they now want mum and dad to hug when they are taken home.

How do you know this?

You are struggling mentally, your husband is taking the kids to a hotel which is ridiculous and he can presumably see how this is all affecting you.

So with that in mind, why is he telling you about the wedding photographs? He should have just laughed about it with the kids and put them straight. But no, he chooses to tell you and make an issue of it! I don't think that at age 8 and 9, the kids having never had a memory of mum and dad living together would be so affected by some photos.

Why is he telling you about them asking him to hug mum knowing how it will make you feel?
I think you are being played and not by the children.

You need to both put on a united front in front of both sets of kids and stop letting them rule you both.
His kids see your kids living with their daddy
Your kids probably resent the house being taken over by noisy younger ones.

You cant adapt to a blended family on your own, it takes ALL of you and your hubby needs to man up.

@breakdown2025 with your updates I have now seen very clear you are not even being slightly unreasonable. Your husband needs to step up and be a proper partner to you but he also needs to grow a back bone and actually parent his kids.

Looking at it in reverse…if I were the one being asked by my partner to see my children less so I can support him because his mental health is suffering, I’m afraid my children would come first. To me, it would be a deal breaker. My children come before anyone and if a partner asks me to choose, then I’m sorry, I’d rather be on my own than give up time with my kids who already have had to go through the break up of their original family.

I get you OP.
I also would never stop my partner seeing his kids but I also know I'm of equal priority and if I was having a tough time as you are I am 100% confident he would have my back and make some adjustments so he can support me and see his kids. He also wouldn't bow to their unreasonable demand of paying for a hotel every time either though. He has a beautiful home that we pay a fortune for that is of greater priority than a hotel room bill all the time.
He, as the parent, would just tell his kids what the plan is not letting them dictate.

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Did you say your dc sees the lies & hurt dh has put you through? What do you mean by this?

Is he in agreement about the no phones for his dc? I can see how they’d hate that if they’re allowed then at home & your dc have them. If he says you won’t allow it, then you’re painted as the bad cop by your dh & sc are more likely to resent you. Does dh allow them phones at the hotel stays? If so there’s aomething that needs addressed

if you want to save relationships you need to get to therapy, they need to get back to coming to their dad’s home, unless there’s any other incidents. Do your dc want them there? It may be fair but you sound like you’ve got rose to its glasses on your dc & your sc & their mother/other family are awful which is unlikely to be the full truth.

Another example of why so called 'blended' families don't work.

Nowhere in the posts does it state that the hotel decision was made by the children. It was the adults who made this decision.

That's not a fair comparison.

A fair comparison would be, you've had to cut out a day with your children, who you already only see 2 days a week, in a hotel of all places, to be with him and do festive activities with just him and his children.

I think maybe I’m not up to being a step mum

Well if he's seeing his kids on his own in a hotel, then you aren't being a step mum

No. Apparently a 7 and 8 year old were, wait for it, staring at an 11 and 14 year old to the point of it creeping them out and them having to move to a hotel for their visits.

Get a grip op.

He has as much right as you have to have his children in his home. I agree more to this. Whose house is it?

I think if I was in the husband's shoes I'd be thinking "my kids have been banned from my home for four weeks and now the next thing is my partner wants me to reduce my time with them further to do Christmas activities without them"

He needs to put his kids first, just as you should put your own kids first.

I doubt he is. He already told the kids if their behaviour didn't improve they wouldn't be allowed at the house. So time with their dad, in his home is treated as a reward. Father of the year.

Equal priority? Does your partner have equal priority to your kids? Equal?

Absolutely this. If my partner was playing this drama llama “it’s all about me and my kids” you need to do what I demand! I’d be running. Even more so if it was a “my kids are welcome here yours aren’t!!

What makes him a “part time husband” then?
giving his dc attention in the hotel? Not you?
not parenting your dc?
the times he’s away from the home, stuck in a hotel room because you don’t want them in the family home, but your dc are?
what a weak, shitty excuse of a human
and parent he is to ignore his children for sex!