To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

I think for anyone to support you here or give you advice, you need to be more honest. You've said further down the post that his children used to spend weekends with you and just suddenly stopped but won't say why. That doesn't make sense. You've cherry picked the information you've provided to ensure you're not painted in a bad light here.

You need help, mental help, therapy, which I know you're starting, thats a good thing. You need to talk to your partner but do not expect him not to see his children or change his schedule with his children for you - thats totally unfair.

Again, not helpful advice

Theres a reason he cant be with his kids in his own home. And thats sad. But hes made a firm stance hes committed to you by making that work to be a good dad and Dh.

But while I appreciate you're struggling, hes sacrificed so much he cant say yes to this once, becauae it wont stay at once. You need to focus on you to get well enough so the 6 of you can reunite. But that cant come at a cost of him changing plans with his children to look after you it will only reaffirm that this system is the only way

Did the person who showed your stepchildren the photos of their dad's wedding to their mum do this on purpose to cause trouble?

That's all a lot to be dealing with OP. I would consider whether there's something you can do to make things pass easier this weekend - take your two out to a film / carol service / drive to the coast for chips - anything so you're not just at home ruminating? Any friend of either child who can have them for a bit - or if you're happy, invite their friend/s to yours so the kids are busy and occupied and the house is lively? Any extended family who you could rope in to come by and be with you?

Agree with others theres more to this story. With kindness op if your mental health is that bad 1 extra night with your dh isnt going to do anything except upset his ex and kids. If my ex did that to our dc I would be furious people in blended families have enough trouble planning socialising etc around contact schedules without changes because you want to put a tree up together. Do it another night when he is home?

OK. The hotel reset hasn't worked, so rather than tampering with it just end it.
The SC need to be integrated with your lives. They are still really little. This means new rules need to be made and enforced by your DH. But it also means your teenage kids are going to have to learn to live with annoying little kids. It's not just new rules for SC, its for your teens too. Blended means just that, everyone has to compromise. And that means you too. If they have a vastly different life with their mum, then you need to soften some of your ways of living to make them comfortable when they are with you. Don't reset by splitting up the family, reset by making a new way of living together.

OP, I really don't think anyone here can give you any meaningful advice unless you're 100% honest about why the extreme decision to put the kids up in a hotel, has been taken.

It's too extreme for it to be a case of they were winding your teenagers up.

And it's too extreme for it to be a case of they don't want to stay because they want their parents to get back together.

The first could've been dealt with by your teenagers either standing up for themselves or rolling their eyes. And by the kids staying with you when your DC are with their dad.

The second could've been dealt with by your husband firmly sticking to "Nope, never gonna happen", and pointing out the millions of other divorced families.

But there's clearly more to this and fair enough if you don't want to say what it is.

But given that you don't, I don't really see how this thread can be helpful.

I've read more of the thread now, unless something else is going on, it sounds like his children have kicked off and gotten their own way. Sounds like they've been poisoned somewhat, but yours and DH mistake has been to give into them. You're allowing your life to be ruled by the whims of an 8 & 9 year old. Not only is this bad parenting, its messing up people's lives. You need to air this out NOW, speak to your husband, dont ask him not to see his children but do ask for a complete overhaul. get the therapy.

YANBU. One night less with his kids won't harm them. You're getting really shitty responses here. Sometimes kids do actually have to come second.

I'm a step parent, they are in their 30s now but at one point when they were much younger and were with us full time, one of their grandparents used to spend a lot of time showing the wedding video and photos of their mum and dad and it really upset them and their behaviour would always deteriorate. I don't think the grandparent realised the problems it was causing and didn't mean any harm but DH had to have a word with them and tell them to stop.

I’ve had so much slack on other posts when I always suggest please try & work it out. I have people responding they have to be happy. meet someone who values them etc. when i suggest counselling ive been pretty much attacked & told im some weird marriage nut. No im not. It’s hard to parent kids when you do it with their dad. You disagree often but the fundamental rules on how you raise them somewhat align, because you grow into them. Meet someone else who parents completely different & all of a sudden the people who have to bend to the whim of others isn’t the sp or parent it’s the kids. The most innocent in all of it have to be the ones that have to modify. But not once but twice. At home & at sp house. The ones that didn’t ask for it, the ones that didn’t have a say who comes into their life as a predominant figure. Yet the consideration given to these kids is next to zero, less than that in some cases. Some SP are aggrieved if they have to even be a teeny bit inconvenienced. The same SP also have a saint like view of their own children which is quite frankly bizarre. Like their offspring is gold standard for every kid in the land,

this is why I say draw blood from a stone to save your marriage unless you’re being abused. If you’re bored, fed up, feeling like you’re being taken for granted then try your damn hardest to put it right. Obviously if all else fails then you have no choice. But come on people. Telling other women the grass is greener is like selling magic beans. 1 it mostly isn’t 2/ you don’t know that

I also agree with @WhereYouLeftIt ‘s assessment of your situation. And your statement that your husband’s lies and the hurt he has caused you - and by implication your eldest child - strongly suggests that your family set-up, and the marriage, have broken down irretrievably.

I suspect your mental health and your children’s emotional wellbeing will improve immeasurably once you separate.

I've not read all the posts, but have read all of the OP's.

I think, the OP's partner is using the situation with his children to remove himself from his partner's issues.

The partner is being a 'Disney' dad. Just having the good times with his children and not want to deal with the discipline issues, setting boundaries etc.

He is also doing the same with the OP. Just dealing with going to work and not actively supporting his partner assisting with parenting her children and, more importantly, being a supportive husband, helping with her emotional needs.

He is escaping from all joint responsibility every single weekend. How is that being a partner?

Of course he should see his own children. But he needs to incorporate everything together.

Also, if the OP is the main earner in the family, who is paying for hotels every single weekend.

I think OP is being taken for a mug by her partner, in the guise of needing to be there for his own children.

I think it's time for the OP to cut her losses and for the partner to leave. It may be difficult at first, but at least her life would then become more regulated on her terms and not on his and his children. Hopefully, her mental state will improve as well with lots of therapy and a more relaxed stable home life for her and her children.

After reading all your comments I dont believe you are being unreasonable OP. If this situation is ever going to change it has to start at some point and surely moving one of the days from the weekend to mid week would be a perfect start.

If your OP wont do that, does he ever intend changing the current set up? If not then I think you may have to reconsider your future and the current situation doesnt work for you and your marriage.

This is what I don’t get. It’s said they don’t want to come after a visit one weekend. To it was decided they wouldn’t be bought round because the disruption was to great.

For the kids to be still wanting this after all this time and everythign that has been said, I woudl say that someone at home is still stirring, and I wonder if it is the ex- wife? Is she encouraging them in this messgae that it is the OP's fault they are not together?

But anyway OP, this is not sustainable. If you continue (and I personally think you owuld all be better off in 2 separate homes, and just dating) but if you continue, you need a therapist to work with all 6 of you to get everyone back into the same home. And to get you on the same page with behaviour and consequences.

Absolutely crazy kids dictating the odds like this
and what’s not to love about staying in a hotel and restaurant meals, room service telly in bed etc no annoying younger siblings hanging about

mine would have bloody loved that !
madness man

OP how long the hotel situation been ongoing? Is it a year, or is that just when the issues started? Or is it just a few weeks? You haven't been entirely clear.

Ok let me try and explain again.
everything was good.
then one weekend they came over and suddenly didn’t like me and the issues started.
this was around a year ago.
we have tried since then to make it work but last month it became too much so the hotel thing was suggested. This has been going on for a month.

The partner is being a 'Disney' dad. Just having the good times with his children and not want to deal with the discipline issues, setting boundaries etc.

He is also doing the same with the OP. Just dealing with going to work and not actively supporting his partner assisting with parenting her children and, more importantly, being a supportive husband, helping with her emotional needs.

He is escaping from all joint responsibility every single weekend. How is that being a partner?

Of course he should see his own children. But he needs to incorporate everything together.

Also, if the OP is the main earner in the family, who is paying for hotels every single weekend.

I think OP is being taken for a mug by her partner, in the guise of needing to be there for his own children.

Yes, absolutely right @WishingIwasyoungerandslimmer

So he's obly been seeing them in the hotel for a month and you're already trying to chip away at it?
During the course of the year, you have had a breakdown, and in the last month, you've had a suicidal episode? But you don't think there is a connection between those timeliness?
It sounds to me that he is protecting his DC to be honest.

How was your MH before you met your now DH, OP?

Have you always struggled with it, or has it become an issue since being in this relationship?

I only asked for one day to be changed this week. I’m not chipping away at anything

OP, sorry you are feeling so awful. This situation can't be good for your health. Maybe it's time to look at un-blending your families and each having a separate place to live. Hopefully your marriage would survive and even flourish without all this tension going on.