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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

343 replies

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:10

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 19:00

Anyway. Thanks everyone. You have all given me so much to reflect on. Didn’t realize I was such a terrible parent up until now. Night x

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 19:02

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:59

Maybe because she thinks you are an unfledged young adult.

Show quote history

Maybe it’s a little less sinister than that and she simply just cares about her adult child and will never stop caring.

OP posts:
JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 04/12/2025 19:02

My DS went to China and Japan this year, he was 20, he did a new instagram account which he put photos on, which I followed and he asked if we could do the find a phone thing just for his peace of mind. He text me probably twice a week and facetimed me once so we could see Mount Fuji.
It was all led by him.

CloverPyramid · 04/12/2025 19:03

When I backpacked at 21, I tried to check in with my parents every other week for a proper chat via Skype. Outside of that, I texted or emailed each time I moved to a new location so they knew where I was.

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 19:04

I was travelling all round the world at 25 and I don't think my parents usually knew whether I was even travelling or not.

He can check in as often as he likes, or never.

lechatnoir · 04/12/2025 19:06

My DS went travelling around Asia at 19 and whilst we didn't have a set rule, I did say that hopefully he'll share photos and any SM updates but worse case, please just check in once a week so I know you haven't been kidnapped/killed/arrested or lying by the side of the road somewhere.

It's terrifying but I do think as adults they need to be afforded some freedom and independence including making decisions on their own and it's very hard to do that if you're on the phone to mum and dad constantly as he'll inevitably default to asking your opinion or for guidance.

W0tnow · 04/12/2025 19:06

I would ask my son to reply to my messages as proof of life, for the simple reason that I would worry. And I would 100% remind him about the dangers of methanol poisoning. He might roll his eyes and think it unnecessary, but he would humour me.

lifeonmars100 · 04/12/2025 19:07

When I was 25 I travelled extensively and I had been married for 2 years, 25 was considered mature in those days! Of course you never stop worrying about them but by the time they are in their mid 20's they should hopefully have enough life skills to organise who, when and how often they check in with somone.

Cyclebabble · 04/12/2025 19:07

At 25 I would largely rely on whatever pictures he posted. Be clear you will be there whenever he fancies a chat. My key focus would be on making sure he had the correct insurance cover and that it was really good. I am a travel insurer by trade and backpacking for a long period has to be specifically purchased. It is not vastly expensive assuming he has no existing conditions, but it is worth purchasing a decent policy.

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 19:07

He's TWENTY FIVE.

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/12/2025 19:08

In this day and age I’d expect/ hope
for a WhatsApp with a nice picture every day or two at least

user1471600850 · 04/12/2025 19:09

BasilPersil · 04/12/2025 19:07

He's TWENTY FIVE.

You are one of those dicks!

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 19:11

SatsumaDog · 04/12/2025 18:56

It’s a conversation. She’s not fitting him with a tracker…

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Some posters have actualy suggested asking him to use a tracking device or app.

Pairofsocks · 04/12/2025 19:11

Think some posters are being unkind. The OP is just asking for advice. She's understandably concerned as its a first solo trip in not the easiest of countries at times. Also people are different in different situations. Her DS might not be that streetwise etc. It doesn't matter whether they're male or female either. The risks are still there. I think she was just pointing out that part of the trip cost was a gift to say that she was behind him/all for him going away.

ejimum · 04/12/2025 19:12

I'd assume a Nintendo DS doesn't need solo travel. It will most likely get stolen.

cramptramp · 04/12/2025 19:12

Whatever contact he wants. He’s 24 years old!

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 19:13

W0tnow · 04/12/2025 19:06

I would ask my son to reply to my messages as proof of life, for the simple reason that I would worry. And I would 100% remind him about the dangers of methanol poisoning. He might roll his eyes and think it unnecessary, but he would humour me.

So basically instead of managing your own anxiety, you dump the onus on him to manage it from afar. That is SO unfair and so counter to what an adventurous overseas experience should be. Tied to mum's apron strings and guilty because she's worrying.

People need to manage their own fears, not make others jump through hoops to do so. Yes, I know, it takes two minutes to send a text. It'snot the two minutes, it's the constant onus, expectation and obligation hanging over one's head.

TutTutTutSigh · 04/12/2025 19:13

My mum still tells me to be careful driving home, and if I say I'm going on a night out I get a full safety briefing. I am a fully grown adult with my own teenager! Mums worry.

Maybe create a group chat named for the trip and ask him to update you there when he can.

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 19:14

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 19:02

Maybe it’s a little less sinister than that and she simply just cares about her adult child and will never stop caring.

Show quote history

No-one is saying you should ever stop caring, as I think you know.

I think it is the fact that you still want tp "parent" a young man who will soon be out of the first flush of youth. Describing him as rolling his eyes when you talk to him about drugs and stuff-as he was like Harry Enfield's Kevin the Teenager.

He could be in a job where it is his job to talk to young people and yet here you are, giving him "stranger danger" type talks, talking about trying to balance your parenting of him with his independence and saying he is not a fully fledged adult.

You even say "like most youngsters he rolled his eyes. They think they know everything" Anyone reading that on its own, would think he was 13.

I think that is what posters have been so surprised by, not the fact you care for him.

Care for him-we all must care for our children until we die-but parenting-no.

You have done that part of your job and he will never, ever be fully fledged if you lead him to believe he needs your parenting at 25. Sitting him down and talking to a 25 year old man about the dangers of travelling is unusual and, for my part, I don't think it's healthy

Missingdaryll · 04/12/2025 19:14

OP you’re being very reasonable, sensible and normal. My DD is away for 6 months and using the Polar Steps app. Maybe your son would like to take a look at it. She’s using it as a kind of diary/photo store for her trip but it also tracks where you are. If you share your trip with someone they can see where you are and your posts. My DD tends to post photos every few days and in between I can see where she is which is reassuring. We also have contact in other ways probably every 2-3 days on average. But the app is a useful thing to record the trip and if he’s open to sharing it with you it’s a nice way to see what they’re up to without being too intrusive. A trip like that is a great thing to do. I hope he has a wonderful time.

Popplebop · 04/12/2025 19:14

One of my older student DDs is away for a year in America. We have a family chit chat WhatsApp and she drops in and out and sends pics when she feels like it. That has worked well. It’s her choice to engage ( or not) .

dimple285 · 04/12/2025 19:15

You're fine OP, people on here can't stand anyone doing anything for their kids past the age of around 7. If your kid isn't walking to school in the snow for an hour by then, having packed their own bag and made their own lunch (paid for themselves from clearing people's drives), then they are never going to be capable of any independence or resilience.

Tell him you'd love to be kept updated on how his trip is going and if you haven't heard anything for a few day then message to ask him how it's going. It's better not to have set times or days as then you'll be worrying if he doesn't get in touch for some minor reason.

ejimum · 04/12/2025 19:15

Missingdaryll · 04/12/2025 19:14

OP you’re being very reasonable, sensible and normal. My DD is away for 6 months and using the Polar Steps app. Maybe your son would like to take a look at it. She’s using it as a kind of diary/photo store for her trip but it also tracks where you are. If you share your trip with someone they can see where you are and your posts. My DD tends to post photos every few days and in between I can see where she is which is reassuring. We also have contact in other ways probably every 2-3 days on average. But the app is a useful thing to record the trip and if he’s open to sharing it with you it’s a nice way to see what they’re up to without being too intrusive. A trip like that is a great thing to do. I hope he has a wonderful time.

Assuming this is about a 24 year old, OP is not being reasonable at all. That's a grown ass adult. Let him do what he wants, he's not a scared kitten!

onlymethen · 04/12/2025 19:16

our daughter first went solo travelling to Costa Rica at 17, only request was keep find my friends on and an occasional call maybe 10 days as if they aren’t in an area with good Wi-Fi and you expect call frequently you can start worrying unreasonably.
she is now 25 and at this moment under our roof after spending time in,India, Sri Lank, New Zealand and Australia, looking at grad jobs and so glad she has done her travels seeing how hard the reality of uk life is and happy to spend the next few years getting her nose to the ground stone of work,
I completely understand you wanting to look our for him,we never stop being parents,find my friends is great we still have it for our 23 year old son and 25 year old daughter they have us also, it’s not about what they are doing it’s just safety.,

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 19:16

Checking in is for your benefit so why not ask him nicely to do whatever you'll feel comfortable with, and if he's not keen, ask him what he's willing to do by way of keeping in touch? I don't think it would be at all unreasonable to ask to subscribe to whatever SM he might use to describe his trip, and you could also ask him to have a brief text exchange (say) on Wednesdays and Sundays, just so you know he's OK.
BTW, no it doesn't make a difference that you've funded part of the trip. Wondering whether paying for things might give you a level of control is not a good road to go down!