What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

Thanks.

Apparently it is not reasonable to give an adult that advice even if they don’t know the risks. He needs to find out for himself. Bizarre place MN.

Apple AirTag in the backpack to give general idea of where they are without knowing if they’re out all night etc.It gives a last known location and time if further information is needed. That was our compromise for DD (younger) and it worked well.also helps them if luggage lost/ delayed.

Why did he not know about that? Has he not researched anything about this trip? He sounds very babied.

Oh wow. I know it’s different now but I emailed my parents every few weeks when I went, many moons ago, around the same age. Such a shame we can’t have freedom like we used to! I think it was torture for them though!

Yes. I think it's over bearing and not necessary. Unless your son has been living under a rock, he already will know about this stuff.

With the greatest of respect... Unclench.

Op ignore the dicks on here - I totally understand - if he wasn't still living at home you would probably worry less but it does change when they are still at home even if he is 25! Why people have to be so rude I don't understand - you asked a question and some people have helpful replies rather than rude ones. Hope he has a fab time and keeps you updated!

But do be aware that some places have really crappy or expensive data so he may not always update you. We had issues in parts of Laos and the Philippines (particularly islands).

He’s 25 not 15. At that age my parents wouldn’t even have known when I was away.

Leave it up to him. 6 weeks isn’t very long. Let him enjoy his trip without feeling obliged to have to send you a proof of life every day.

He's not really a 'youngster', he's an adult who doesn't need parenting anymore. I would just message every few days to ask if he's having a nice time, what he's been doing etc. My son would keep in contact anyway as he loves to send me loads of photos from wherever he is (he goes on a lot of holidays!) and he is the same age as your son.

I don’t see anything wrong with a safety chat. When I drove my youngest son to Uni we had a drugs and safe sex chat. Yes of course he knew these things already, but it was just a good opportunity to remind him. I don’t think that’s controlling. I do think we baby our adult children in general now. My 21yr old is living alone with his gf, and it’s good he is living an adult life. But my nieces are still living at home at 30. It tends to make us see them as much younger and treat them accordingly. They are more than capable of independent living though.

Ask him for a daily ping & don't be miffed if it's all you get a fair bit of the time.

My dd travelled alone aged 24. She had heard about the methanol poisoning. But she chose not to tell me about a motorbike trip that is considered quite dangerous. I suspect I didn't know a lot of what she was doing.

I never worried about her. As I said, she did post on instagram and on the whats app group and I would sometimes just message and say "where are you now" and she'd send me photos. It never occurred to me to ask her to contact me.

I travelled before the days of mobile phones or internet and had to write to my mum and pick up letters from her at the post restante. I remember calling her at Christmas and telling her I'd been really ill with malaria a couple of weeks before. She was quite shocked at that!

You sound so bitter. Why not wish him well and leave him alone to have a grand adventure? If you begrudge paying for it, why did you? Can't use the money as a means of control.

Agree. Why did you pay? I'd rather miss out on Asia than take money with strings attached. But then I had lived independently for a long time at that age.

why are mum of boys so weirdly obsessed with their adult son’s?

I also went travelling to SE Asia and Australia for the best part of a year at this age. Probably contacted my parents about once a month by email. Part of the experience was negotiating all sorts of challenges on my own - sorting out visa extensions, working out the cheapest ways to travel places etc. All sorts of things happened, like loosing luggage, missing boats not to mention having a lot of fun. There was something useful about being immersed in the experience.

I realise times have changed with WhatsApp etc, but I would assume he’s having a good time unless you hear otherwise

YANBU op. There are some pretty horrific cases of youngsters getting into trouble doing things they probably thought were safe. Unfortunately there are people out there who actively take advantage of travellers and it’s not unreasonable at all to have those discussions. Better that than something happening and you wishing you had spoken about it.

Erm, he's not a youngster.

He's a grown man. People his age are physicians, military officers, fire brigade, police, business owners, politicians, parents, and others with large responsibilities. The new mayor of NYC is only seven years older. Treating him like a young teenager is absurd.

Have you ever watched "Sorry" with Ronnie Corbett...living at home with his mum and, despite having a job, being parented by her, living with Mother who kept putting her beak into his life and, despite little flurries of rebellion, he remained tied to her apron string.

They made it into a comedy.

You say he isn't fully fledged...when do you think this will be? 30? 40?

I really do think you have to take a big step back and as for putting some sort of tracker into his luggage, as a previous PP suggested, please don't do this.

If my parent had done this when I was 25-right at the limit for a Young Person's Railcard- it would be a long time before they were forgiven.

If he was a teacher or a scout leader, he would be taking groups of children away and he would be responsible for their care. Would you go with him to parent him?

Take this as an opportunity to learn that the days of parenting are over for you. You will always be his mum but the parenting ship has sailed.

Once a week wouldn’t be unreasonable to hear from him. Text or call. But this isn’t something you can insist on.
It makes no difference at all who’s paid for the trip, not sure why you think it would. I think you need to start thinking of your son as an adult man rather than a ‘youngster’.

It’s a conversation. She’s not fitting him with a tracker…

My 70 yr old mother reminds me when leaving her house in winter to be careful of the bend in the road below her house as it’s a known hazard and accident hotspot. I know this information and have heard it 100 times and seen the accidents myself yet she still tells me when I leave. Why?

Fitting him with a tracker has been suggested though, putting something in his luggage.

What happens if he gets married and decides to live in a hut in a part of the Amazon forest untouched by man, Will she still expect him to check in.

I see trouble ahead-what wife would want to put up with that.

Every few days. I went travelling (actually lived and worked) in Asia at the same age for a year. I probably emailed my mum once a week and she’d call me maybe once or twice a month for a chat.

Maybe because she thinks you are an unfledged young adult.

What's reasonable is whatever he, a fully grown adult, wants to do. You've no right to updates or check ins, and certainly no right to tracking him as others have suggested.