Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

I think given time that would drive everyone to,distraction, and I also wonder if you’re now wedded to it as your identity.

can I ask, how old are you now, how long have you been doing this?

Look into emdr for trauma and ocd therapy.

You know it's not normal.

I say this from a place of care as my dd has restricted eating and ocd. She is in treatment for it.

@Melessah do you eat at your mum's (if you are happy to have her eggs)?

So I’m a bit overinvested in this thread as my dd eats like this, possibly even more limited, but it hasn’t restricted her life at all, so far. We still go on holiday, but to airbnbs so we can cook ourselves. She would still go round to friends houses, just wouldn’t eat the cake. She still goes to parties, just doesn’t drink the alcohol etc
her argument would absolutely be why wouldn’t you eat totally healthily if you can.

Your experience wasn’t pleasant but your response is wildly disproportionate. You know you have disordered eating and this is impacting massively on your DH and no doubt everyone else you know. The issue is you don’t appear to care enough about the impact you are having on others to put in the hard work to get better. You ate some mouse juice, you didn’t get ill - this was undoubtedly disgusting but if I were your DH I’d be questioning my relationship with you. If you have children this is going to be awful for them. If you are serious about getting better it need to find another therapist and try again.

Does your DH cook for himself. Are you happy to sit with him eating separate meals ? Are you happy to have other food in the house,

Is it just me who thinks OP's diet sounds extremely healthy as she's not buying anything processed?
I get it must be a bit frustrating on holiday but that aside it sounds great.

Of course it’s healthy, it’s also highly restrictive. She can’t even go out to dinner on holiday

Yes your husband is right. Your eating is massively disordered.

Only you can decide this OP.
In many ways it doesn't sound like it's a particular issue for you in terms of eating and being healthy. Many people would appluade a diet that involves zero processes foods.

Many people have allergies or other health conditions, ethical view points etc that impact on what they eat. This isnt at all uncommon. The point I'm trying to make is many people adapt their lifestyle to accommodate challenges they have. It's no less of a life, just different to others

Any therapy is very likely to involve some kind of exposure at some point.

Is this something you feel ready to do or even want to do this?

Is the trade off for your husband that he gets loads of tasty home made food?

What exactly is it that's bothering him? The shared experience of eating, the inconvenience?

Can this be unpicked a bit more? Might help you come up with alternative options/solutions?

If you don't want or aren't ready to make change then acceptance is valuable. Otherwise you may as well just frequently rubbish yourself. Not exactly a recipe for a happy life ! ( Or indeed making change)

I'm sure my partner wishes there are many things about me that could be different, but hey we all have our differences and foibles

So you need to try a different therapist or try a different sort of therapy.

Your husband is telling you loud and clear that you need help. He obviously does not want a future where you can never go out for a meal, go on holiday and eat at a hotel, go to someone's wedding, have dinner with friends or even have popcorn at the cinema. It is massively restrictive and yes, you have an eating disorder.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/

Re your DH knowing about your issues...

I went out with a man who had restricted eating for eight years. Eventually it wore me down only being able to eat in places where he could have tomato soup, an overdone steak and tiramasu (the only foods he would eat out). Everything had to be cooked until it was burned. It restricted where we could eat to the extent that it was basically Weatherspoons or nowhere and in the end I really wanted to eat somewhere posh or at least somewhere that didn't serve basic food incinerated.

@arethereanyleftatall but that would be restricting for us and part of going on holiday is going out for meals, that's part of the treat. In fact, when we look back at our holiday memories, most of our favourite ones revolve around food! Be it the actual food, or where the restaurant was, or where we ate if it was picnic, fish and chips by the beach etc

I think you need help. There's phobias, trauma but this is next level.
You don't have to answer, but how would you feel if your DH said enough, he can't handle it and asked to separate. Would this change anything for you? Is it worth losing your marriage over?

I agree, but there’s just a few of us!

I think whether you need help or not really depends on whether you want to change - it seems from your original post that you do because you say "I don’t want to be like this".

Whilst I can see it's frustrating for your husband as he can never go out for a meal with you and your restrictions sound like hard work if I'm honest, I don't really feel it's up to him provided you don't put a lot of the tasks (scrubbing veg etc) on him. You must recognise though that he is going to be fed up because he can never go somewhere and just pick up food with you and that is pretty restrictive.

I would recommend just exploring the idea of how you could increase the range of foods you eat and where you eat them and go from there. But I'm pretty sure it will need professional help.

I give it a quick rinse under the tap. This sounds more like OCD than an eating disorder to me.

Because it’s not much fun for him being sat with someone who will only eat a limited range of food. It’s joyless. I would assume that eating out is out of the question. So it will affect him and it sounds like he has had enough.

We have had years of having issues eating out due to me having been veggie and then vegan (well before either became mainstream). At times it wasn’t much fun for either of us. The alternative being not eating out, turning down any invites to eat out, not going to weddings, celebration meals etc etc, or only he goes.

I also notice you’re keen to tell us it appeared in the Media, which is not remotely relevant, which indicates it’s a big deal to you it did. And again feeds into the fact you’ve made this your identity.

Sorry OP, but I would divorce you. Although tbf I couldn’t have married you in the first place. To NEVER be able to eat out at a restaurant with my partner is unimaginable

I would eat food from my friends and family. But it would have to be something like chicken, potato and veg. All homemade. If I felt their kitchen was unhygienic then I probably wouldn’t but that’s never been the cases

SIL makes lasagna using pre made white sauce, pasta sauce (no judgement as I literally used to eat lasagnas from Iceland when at uni) but I couldn’t touch that now.

Hi, I don't think unreasonable would be the word I would use to describe you. I think your reaction is entirely understandable but there is no denying that it is hard on your loved ones too.

I grew up with a mum with food issues especially around restaurants. I remember holidays of eating in the same restaurant every night because she couldn't cope. On their wedding anniversary when I was 14 they had a fight in a restaurant over food and I ran away because it was so overwhelming and eventually turned up at my cousin's house distraught at midnight. He thought I had been raped.

On my sixteenth birthday, I went to the loo during the starters and when I came out my mum was missing and I found out later had locked herself in the car. My Dad and I ate dinner in silence and everything was then explained to me. I spent every Thursday for the next six months travelling to another city to sit and wait while my mum saw a psychiatrist (I have no idea why I was made to do this).

Your feelings are valid but if you are able to, please try and overcome this and seek help, not for your husband but (if you choose to have them) for your chit and most importantly for you. I had no idea how much fun it was eating out and enjoying other people's company in restaurants until I was old enough to take myself and friends for dinner and there were so many foods that I was afraid to eat because of her that I now love.

I really would urge you to try again, there is so much life out there. In the meantime, if you are holidaying abroad, how about trying destinations that are fishing villages or offer street food. At least then, it's cooked directly in front of you. Good luck.

I understand OP, from a less horrific experience - foul tasting dry roasted nut. I didn’t eat them for a while in fear of a gag reflex. Then I slowly reintroduced and whilst I can still recall the taste, I’ve eaten enough good tasting ones for it to be ok now

So I wouldn’t be able to eat in either of those places. I just don’t know gat goes on behind the scenes re food storage etc.

This. While you may be able to live with it, it will affect future children in a terrible way, so please do try and get help now. I've seen similar (although v different causes for the initial eating disorder) in my family