Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

Why though?

What is your fear about the pre-made sauce? That it was made in an unhygienic environment?

So it is a generic concern about germs that you have as opposed to being worried about a repeat incident like the one you had with the mouse?

No kids yet. I would like to be a mum but right now it’s just not feasible.

All baby food would have to be homemade etc.

I think you’re denying yourself a lot of joy that good food can bring. Eating out can be an absolutely lovely experience so I think you should at least try therapy or whatever you think might help. Good luck.

Did you have a meal at your wedding @Melessah

What would you do if you ended up in hospital for a few days?

what do you drink, anything from a bottle or can?

Yes, you need to get help.

You have ARFID (most likely) as a result of a traumatic experience that you haven't dealt with/processed properly.

Your brain thinks its keeping you safe but in reality its dramatically limiting your diet which won't be healthy long term, its also probably putting strain on your relationship.

The reality is, had you eaten the mouse in the ready meal, most likely you'd have been absolutely fine. A cooked mouse is protein, carbs, fats etc - it might not have tasted nice, it might have had a horrible mouthfeel but the chances of it making you ill are pretty small.

The chances of that happening again are very low - not zero, because that would be impossible, but pretty low.

The chances of you becoming unwell from eating something that should not be in your food are again, pretty low, particularly if you practice good hygiene, and have a sensible diet (vs eating road kill and not washing your hands after going to the loo).

You could equally become ill from inhaling pathogens, or transferring them to your mouth from your skin, or via a cut/puncture wound. No one is 100% free from the risk of catching something/getting an infection.

So given all that, surely you can see that what your brain is telling you is super high risk, and the lengths its getting you to go to to avoid those risks, is not reasonable, its not proportionate and as it is affecting your life... you do need to seek help. The fact you tried to seek help once before and got nowhere does not mean what you're experiencing is normal and healthy, it means that particular practitioner was not the person for you.

I was ill. I threw up three times. Mostly from revulsion.

I agree that this is sounding more like OCD or germ-phobia than basic food trauma and I think you should get some professional help before it escalates. I know people who can't leave the house because of germ related fears, and spend all day washing their hands. It's no way to live.

Hi OP. I'm not an expert in this at all, but I just wanted to drop in a message of hope. I used to have serious food contamination phobia from childhood way into early adulthood. Strange internal rules about "safe" foods, powerful intrusive thoughts about what might have happened to my food items, everything, every day.

I'm now 99% free of it, and life is good. I didn't even need a great deal of therapy to get rid of it, I think the majority of the "fix" came from being a bit kinder to myself over time and addressing my more generalised anxiety disorder.

It can happen! I hope things get better for you.

For a lot of people going out to eat together is a real pleasure. I would hate to never be able to go to a restaurant with my partner, or say sod it let's get a takeaway. Enjoying food together is a social bonding experience.

Please ask to be referred to a psychiatrist by your GP. I used to have this type of contamination OCD and it’s a miserable way to live.

But what about formula if you couldn't breastfeed?

Would you feel comfortable with that knowing it is mass produced in factories?

Or is your anxiety just about what you put into your own body?
(I'm assuming so as you haven't mentioned that you have any anxieties related to what your husband eats?)

What happened to you wasn’t ok and I’m sorry for that but you have let it take ahold of your whole life and it is effecting you and everyone around you greatly. This is no way to live.

You need to seek more help and therapy and tackle this rather than avoiding the issue.

This would be really unfair to pass on to a child. What happens when they want to get school dinners with their friends, or go to birthday parties, or go on a residential school trip?

Well clearly, at this point, there isn't. Don't be so dismissive.

You may have eaten some of the mouse, but think about it, you are completely fine. People have eaten rats and dogs etc and lived.

Are you vegetarian? Do you eat meat?

I think you should really work hard to get over this, and if it just one step at a time then you are still making progress. Do it for 2026.

There will come a time when you won’t be able to cook your own food.

All the very best to you x

It sounds like your experience has trigged ARFID.
There are people who specialise in this type of rating disorder so I think it is definitely worth considering.
I have ARFID and had hypnotherapy which did help a little but I’ve never eaten ‘normally’. You have as a young adult so I wonder if you might get even more benefit?

Absolute sympathy for you, that's horrendous. It's not surprising that your every move is governed by this.
I do a methodology that would sort this out for you if you wanted to address it. I'm not working right now but could book you in for the new year or put you in touch with someone who could help you. It's on you though, your brain will tie itself in all kinds or knots to inform you that your behaviour is reasonable and necessary. DM me if interested. If not, try EMDR, that's the next best thing. Not as quick but more fashionable so more practitioners.

That’s a really grim and disgusting experience @Melessah and in all honesty, I think I’d find it really difficult to get past too.

My df was very cautious about food hygiene. In his case, I don’t think anything like this ever happened to him directly but there were other very sad reasons in his childhood for being a bit fixated on food. He worried about ready meals, restaurant hygiene, fast food, and germs in meat (it had to be cooked dry).
It has affected each of us dc.

I don’t think your dh is being unreasonable - I doubt he was fully able to imagine how restrictive your issues would be. It might be helpful to make a list (for yourself, you don’t have to share it here, unless you want to) of the ways it has affected him.

On another day in MNland, you could have had replies saying he was controlling, unsupportive, and you should ltb. I’m too inexperienced to think that you can just get therapy and everything will magically be better. I know that’s not how it works. But don’t try and make him the bad guy here - there is no bad guy. Not him. Not you. Just try and see that this affects him too, and he’s not BU.

And if you don’t mind me adding, I’ve actually found your story very helpful. As I said my df mentioned stuff like finding mice in food and as a child it seemed a high probability. And while he never mentioned what might happen if you ate tainted food, or body parts, my child brain filled in the gaps and I assumed I would die. It’s actually given me a huge sense of calm to hear that you did, and you survived your be fit and healthy. I know that’s not the point, but my inner 5 year old really needed to hear that. So thank you for sharing.

But that was revulsion, perfectly normal. You weren't throwing up because of anything the mouse contained, it was the thought of the mouse. As I said, I ate half a slug in the summer. It wasn't very nice but it didn't kill me.

And slugs, I can report, taste of absolutely nothing. I am deathly allergic to snails (anaphylactic if I eat snails, mussels or oysters) so I spent ten minutes petrified and monitoring my breathing, but, nope, no ill effects at all. But the revulsion has made sure that I wash all salad very thoroughly now - it won't stop me eating salad though.

OP, you know that your reactions are unreasonable.
You have said more than once that you know you have an eating disorder.
Eating disorders are one of the most serious mental health issues that exist, with a higher mortality rate than any other mental illness.
So, by definition, you are mentally unwell and therefore in need of psychiatric or psychological help.
And saying that you are fit, run marathons etc is no defence - I have known people with eating disorders say exactly the same. EDs can destroy relationships, careers and lives - you need urgent help.

No it’s just an amusing detail. I think it highlights how horrific it was that it garnered national attention.

Why are some people so keen to characterise me as some sort of clout chaser who enjoys making this their identity. Why interpret what I say in such bad faith?

Im very a low key person that everyone who has met me would describe as nice/kind. Not a drama llama at all.

I developed claustrophobia after a traumatic event when I was 19, I avoided so many situations and over the years it became less manageable. My reactions to comments were a bit similar to yours, I knew I had a problem but I always had an answer for why it wasn’t a problem if I didn’t change. I could get the train instead of the plane, walk twenty flights instead of get the lift etc. But it was impacting my life and relationships. Eventually I met someone and he worked away so I either got on an aeroplane or the relationship wouldn’t continue, I was pushed into taking action and for once I actually really wanted to change. I started flying after 20 years, but it wasn’t just about flying again, it was about facing the trauma, the impact it had on my life, and the phobias it created. I did a mixture of CBT, hypnotherapy and VR therapy which puts you in the event to help overcome phobias. Supported by yoga, meditation, mindfulness etc. It doesn’t happen overnight of course, you have to find the right therapists for you (don’t give up it can take a while) and put the work in and accept that it will take time, but the outcome will be so liberating.

I would thoroughly recommend EMDR therapy for trauma. You can do it remotely.

Wow I’m so chuffed you feel that way. Absolutely made my day hearing that. Genuinely! Glad I shared my experiences x

You sound like someone saying that they wish they could have a bit of anorexia. An eating disorder is NEVER healthy.

OP, I do understand where you're at (as an ex anorexic and someone with an overdeveloped disgust response). I see you trying to defend your eating habits, and others trying to challenge them with logic. But none of this is about logic.

Your understandable response to this traumatic incident has developed into the cage that you are living in. You don't have to live like this. Think how lovely it would be to be able to relax around food. Please seek help.