To stop giving myself a hard time about the amount of TV my toddler is watching?

[wetwinter]

Toddler (2 and a half) is watching too much TV. I know this.

She generally wakes at around 6, and I go downstairs with her so she doesn’t wake anyone else up. And the TV does go on then. It’s dark, cold, I’m tired and not up for much else.

Then I make breakfast and get everyone dressed and out on the school run for older sibling. We then generally do an activity in the morning; a playgroup or swimming. We do get outside if the weather is OK. Then home for lunch. It’s then things get a bit tricky. She has dropped her nap and attempts to encourage ‘quiet time’ haven’t been very successful; she just cries / gets upset in her cot. So she watched TV during and after lunch.

Then after I’ve picked her sister up from school they play for a bit but then at around 4, she’s getting very, very tired and her sister is also wanting to chill out and watch some TV, so on it goes again

I do feel guilty about it and worry a lot I’m impeding her development. It wasn’t too bad when she slept a bit later in the morning and was still napping; it was just a little bit in the morning and then evening. Now though it feels like it’s really creeping up but with the weather being wet and cold and dark early it’s hard finding motivation.

I know there are activities like reading, colouring which we do do but they don’t hold her attention for long at all.

I am wondering whether to just accept it’s winter; the screen time will go up and go down to sensible levels again as the weather improves or to make more of an effort!

That's an incredible amount for such a young child. I'm guessing around 3-4hr per day from what you've said?

I think you're giving yourself a hard time for a reason, you know in your gut and brain that it's not okay for her and it's the easy option. I totally get it when you're stuck like someone's sick and you can't go out, but it sounds like it's become a routine, daily habit.

We didn't start with screens until the age your kid is now, but even then it was 30-60m day tops. It sounds like the times you can cut back on are early morning and midday, evening is okay and sounds like she watches it with her sister rather than it just being used to keep her occupied.

Early morning, it's dark and cold, get the lights on, put some fairy lights up, hide the remote so it isn't an option. Let her help you with different bits, even if it's basic like putting things in the washing machine. Let her help you make breakfast for when everyone else is up. Or enjoy that really lovely quiet alone time together to snuggle up and read books, or look out of the window and chat, or any kind of simple activity together. Mine was a huge fan of bowling in the kitchen with those little plastic animal bowling pins and a ball, playing with his toy cars on a car mat, and reading endless books. You'll soon find if you simply don't make it an option you'll settle into a new routine. It's absolutely okay for her to entertain herself with her toys for a bit while you make a cuppa!

Then keep midday to 30m max, and you'll have massively cut down.

The WHO recommend up to an hour of high quality TV watched with an adult, while you're interacting together, at this age. Listen to your gut. It's harder work absolutely but I think you'll look back when she's older and really regret having set her up with so much screen time from being tiny. It's really not good for them.

Also, stick music on and have a dance party! Dance around and be silly together, make up dances. There are things I think as a parent you can let slip, and things that make a huge difference to them later on. The more time she's sat staring at the TV, the less time she's spending reading or looking at books. I always had a sense that if we hooked our son on screens early on, why would he ever be interested in books? When they're so boring compared to bright colours and noises moving around on a screen? I didn't want that for him. Later on we relaxed more but 2.5yr is so little, their brains are developing so much, it really does matter what you do with them at this age. You're setting the foundation for their life.

Make a deal with yourself that TV doesn't go on til after 4pm.

Does she have toys at home? In the morning and after lunch can she not just potter around and play?

It can definitely affect their development so in an ideal world, reducing screen time would be good. My little one was this age during 2020 and it was HARD to entertain her all of the time as everything was closed. Luckily we had good weather and obviously at the moment, we don’t.
It sounds like the shows aren’t bad ones (eg Cocomelon!) but perhaps reducing the time would be good. Personally I’d cut out the lunch time TV and stick with the afternoon and morning sessions.
My DCs could easily entertain themselves for ages with Happyland, Duplo, books, play doh etc at that age.

Part of the cause she can't keep her attention for long to an activity IS the screen time.

Ditch it now.

YABU.

If you're not cut out to be a SAHM, go back to work.

I completely understand how you’ve slid into this routine especially in winter.
If I was you, I’d start by not having the TV on mealtimes. Meals should be a communal, sociable event so start there and once that has been established, choose the next part of the day to cut back.
Also consider nursery if you need some time to get stuff done. It’s hard, I’ve been there so we’ll done for acknowledging things need to change.

Yes, stop. It doesn’t matter. My 23 year old watched heaps as he was up at 5 am every bloody day. It’s fine.

I also have a two year old and I would say that's much too much. Does it stay on while you're getting everyone dressed and during breakfast? I think at a minimum it should be off during meal times, including lunch.

Sorry I think it's too much. I feel your pain on the 6am starts but for me that's a slippery slope as you've used up your TV card too early in the day, making any other activity less exciting and more difficult to transition to. I didn't do mornings either so I would set up a toy the evening before (trainset out, pick a jigsaw, put out some soft toys for a teddy bears picnic etc). It meant in the morning I didn't have to think but could direct to that activity. Or I would offer to read while I drank my coffee. If he wandered off that was fine but the choice was to play independently til the coffee was gone! We used to have a fun pod in the kitchen - they are contained and up at worktop height so they can 'help' with meal prep by mixing up dried pasta / frozen peas or just playing with their own kitchen toys. It was a bit of a game changer for me, although might not work if you have a climber.

It’s hard once you’ve made it a habit - we have struggled with loads more tv time since having our second baby and being just absolutely knackered all the time. But I’m finding a few alternatives now the baby is a few months old.

I have started trying to set up activities more for her to do, rather than trying to just get her to choose what to play with. Stickle bricks, magnet tiles, kinetic sand and just rice with a variety of scoops/ brushes/ toy digger/ train etc have been big hits and engaged her for a pretty long time. Baker Ross also do some great craft kits which my almost 3 year old loves and they’re a very reasonable price. They are things like foam snowmen you stick the clothes and faces on.

Ive also realised (took me long enough!) that you don’t actually have to entertain them the whole time - they like joining in with what you’re doing even if it’s dead boring. So I’ll give her a duster or let her help make breakfast (even if it’s just pouring cereal in a bowl) etc. If she’s not interested she goes to find something else to do. Don’t get me wrong we’re still having a fair amount of TV time especially on hard days where I’ve had no sleep or the baby is very fussy but we’re reducing it gradually.

I don’t think this is true (or particularly supportive.)

I am not a SAHM.

It's fine my children watched loads of TV when they were little. It really makes very little difference. They're all in their twenties now and all have at least an undergraduate degree. There's no correlation between intelligence / academic achievement and watching TV as a child as far as I can see.

Too much, start by no television at mealtimes.

Sounds fine to me. 6am is far too early for a dance party lol

@wetwinter The thing is, it's become her routine now but kids are so adaptable so you can simply change it.

Pick one of the usual times (early morning or lunchtime) and instead of sticking on the tv, put out some independent play toys and books. The afternoon watching is when her sister is there so it's probably more background noise than her actually sitting and watching it so less concerning?

Is it worth looking into some baby dance classes or something for at least a couple of afternoons so she's away from the screen? Gymnastics or the likes.

And to be clear, I’d say the TV has been very recent. In the summer we are out and about a lot, but as the weather has worsened and unfortunately has coincided with her dropping her nap / earlier wake ups than normal, it’s definitely crept in more.

MN is torn on this issue and a lot of the time when someone posts about having a hard time with their toddler / balancing a baby and toddler you get a lot of ‘oh just stick CBeebies on’ type responses. Other times, as now, you’re just a step away from having your children removed for slovenly behaviour. I hoped explaining the day would help; we do get out and about, we do read, play with toys, try TV alternatives (the tonie box) but it has been on more than ideal in the last couple of weeks or so (please do read that sentence carefully, some of you!) I would say.

But since quite a lot (by no means all) of the responses are spiteful rather than helpful it’s not really a thread I feel massively comfortable about discussing.

I’m with you on that 😂

interesting split between the parents of adult DC who say its fine and the parents of young DC who say its not.

I am in the former category and say its fine!

I wonder if the on demand/ streaming thing changes it a bit. When I was a kid, I watched quite a lot of TV but it was only on at certain times and some shows I didn’t like so I’d go and do something else. Whereas now, my kid could sit and watch back to back episodes of her favourite show all day. I don’t let her but it does feel a bit different and if we watch live CBeebies it’s easier to stop without drama because she loses interest in certain shows anyway.

OK....so this behaviour is only at the weekend? Because you talk about morning activities, lunch, afternoon etc, which suggests you are home with your toddler?

If you were working, toddler would be at nursery or a caregiver. So which is it?

But why did you post if it isn't something you feel comfortable discussing?

You clearly know in your heart that it isn't great or you wouldn't be so disconcerted about it you'd get to the stage of posting a long thread on Mumsnet about it to solicit advice from people.

If you just wanted people to echo the stuff you've seen in other threads like 'no harm done, stick CBeebies on' then it would probably have been better to just go read those threads.

Parenting is hard and nobody likes hearing that they're not doing the best they can in a certain area, but if it's hard to hear, why put yourself out there to invite that kind of feedback?

Strangers aren't going to pat you on the back and say 'do whatever works for you, it's all fine', unfortunately. Maybe speaking to peers IRL would be better for you.

Re it being fine if you're balancing a baby and toddler, that's because babies are all-consuming and sometimes just to survive some parents feel the TV is necessary, until the baby is a bit older and things get a bit more balanced. But unless I've misread, your toddler IS the baby here, and you have an older child. So it's a bit different. You're not up with toddler plus newborn at 6am. You're up just with your toddler while your older child sleeps.

I totally respect the opinion of parents who say it's fine, that's their judgment to make. But I think realistically, few parents are going to say 'you know, we had loads of TV when my 21yr old was a toddler and beyond, I really regret it. They had poor literacy, a short attention span, behavioural issues. I really wish we'd been screen free'. Not many parents are humble enough to reflect and be open about that sort of thing. It's much easier to claim that you did everything right and it turned out well, you know?

And I think the parents of younger children probably feel more passionately about it as they're living the toddler life right now, day to day, and can easily imagine what it would be like for their toddler to be watching 3-4hr of TV per day, what they'd be missing out on. Just my take anyway.

I don’t want to discuss things with people who wish to be rude and downright cruel, @DarkPassenger1 (not aimed at you, just answering your question.)

I would just never stick the tv on for a toddler by herself. Fair enough if she’s watching with older siblings. As well as the general issues around screen time at this age, you do risk creating incentives (ie they learn to get up early so they get tv). I feel your pain as I had one who got up at 5am until she was 6 years old. It’s dreadful. But I really really think if you can avoid the screens as a habit you should. It pays off in many ways. Obviously make an exception when you’re ill or whatever but it’s better if it’s not something they expect as routine.

All the above applies if you’re coping generally. If you really need the break so that you can cope then obviously take it. TV is better than mum shouting :)

Honestly it sounds like she's bored and you're using TV to placate her which isn't ideal. Why doesn't she go to nursery, just a few mornings, even if you're not working. Wouldn't cost much, with the funded hours. Then they do the entertaining for you. I don't feel bad about a bit of TV when mine has had 3 days of activities and outdoor time at nursery.