AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

[Francine84]

I might be being completely unreasonable here but I can’t get it out of my head. My 2 year old started nursery around 9 months ago and has always been very happy there. Always happy to go in and they told us that she’s happy all day, hardly ever cries.

In the last week she has become very clingy, waking up crying from naps and during the night calling for me. Really out of character for her but I put it down to separation anxiety.

She goes to nursery Wed-Fri and yesterday when I dropped her off the only male member of the nursery staff answered the door and my daughter burst into tears and was clinging to me. It was heartbreaking, I had to hand her over and she was hysterical. When I picked her up in the afternoon her key worker (female) said she was emotional all day, which again is so unlike her. She hasn’t cried at nursery drop off since she first started earlier this year. And even then once she had settled in she was happy all day.

This morning the same man answered the door again and the same thing happened - hysterical crying and holding on to me.

Given the recent news about a male nursery worker abusing the children in his care I can’t shake the thought that something is wrong. Why is my daughter suddenly so clingy and unhappy? I know that men work in nurseries but it seems like it’s only this particular member of staff that she has that reaction with.

AIBU to say something to nursery? What would I even say?

Or am I overreacting and this is normal for 2 year olds to have very clingy phases? I just want to protect her and it makes me feel so sad to think she’s not happy at nursery.

Advice would be much appreciated!

Most men would run a mile rather than work in a nursery school. The fact that a very small number of men want access to tiny children is, in itself, a red flag. My instant assumption is that they're child abusers.

And I don't care, at all, if some of them are not. Decent men would understand completely why I make that assumption.

If men are to be given access to little children there must be cameras running in all areas, at all times, that parents can log in to to see their children live on camera.

In fact, it should be a requirement for all childcare when children are pre speech, or unable to tell their parents clearly something is wrong.

There are lots of reasons that children can suddenly become unsettled at a nursery they have previously loved. I would ask to speak with their key person, talk about your concerns regarding her changes in behaviour, what are they seeing there too and work on a solution together. Can they send pictures to reassure you she is happy during the session?
There are some incredible male practitioners, and some nasty female ones, please don't jump to conclusions.

Exactly. What is the motive? If they ‘love’ kids, then surely they would understand and support the view that children’s safety comes first. I don’t think we are doing anywhere near enough to keep babies safe.

Can it ever be worth the risk? Given that we know sexual abuse can destroy the lives of victims.

I am absolutely sick of the woke agenda prioritising men, even giving predators free access to babies and women’s spaces. The laws need to be tightened,

It is not like babies can campaign for themselves!! The onus is on us to use common sense.

You wouldn’t leave a fox in a chicken coup in order to preserve his rights, and treat him the same as other less savage animals.

It’s just madness. We have really lost our way as a society if we can’t even manage to see how some men are exploiting ‘women’s’ rights.

Heaven forbid we might actually pay attention or look at the statistics for example.

The same safeguards that apply to women?

OP I would talk to the manager and say your DD is absolutely terrified and ask the open question about why they think that is. Then shut up and let them talk.

I would be moving nursery.

Really? Like what for example? How are you actually going to keep the babies safe with your suggested ‘safe guards’? What are they? Answer the question.

And are you seriously suggesting the risk is the same? That the statistics are wrong when they confirm 98% of all sexual offences are committed by men?

Most abuse happens within families, particularly where there are step parents. Nappy changing can be done in pairs. There are high staff ratios for babies. Men are as capable of caring for babies as women, it should be normal to expect they can.

You cannot eliminate all risk. All organisations have at the end of the day is a safeguarding policy that has to be rigorous and reviewed. All nurseries have this. They are inspected regularly. Beyond this I’m not sure what else you think would be put in place?

btw demanding people ‘answer the question’ is rude.

What? Dial 999 and tell them my daughter cries when I drop her at nursery?

Really? Like what for example? How are you actually going to keep the babies safe with your suggested ‘safe guards’? What are they?

Do you work in education? Have you read the documentation, had safeguarding training, been checked for work, whilst at work, inspected, followed procedures?

Do you not have children who attend nursery or school?

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/68add931969253904d155860/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_from_1_September_2025.pdf

Children are often more wary of men because they typically bigger and men interact with them a lot less than women do generally. Women on the bus and train smile and interact with them, men less so.

How about if you have a male sporting coach when they're older? Will you object then. The argument about them being able to speak up doesn't mean they will, at all.

And all these people talking about moving nursery if a man starts to work there, you must have much better options than in my area as the waitlists are years long.

What no one in favour of male workers in nurseries has been able to do is satisfactorily justify the hugely increased risk, particularly at a time when paedophiles are actively taking advantage of the push to have male workers in nurseries.

They have networks online, advising each other on how to secure jobs at nurseries, how to groom the staff, parents, and children, and how to abuse without getting caught.

I find it impossible to believe that any of the stated 'benefits' of having male nursery workers justifies the massive increase in the risk of babies and toddlers being raped.

If men are upset by that, then that's too damn bad. I feel like minimising the risk of children being raped should take priority over men's feelings. It's shocking to see that so many mothers are eager to gamble with their children's lives.

What about the female workers who abuse children? Sexually and otherwise. What haunts me is that we probably don't even suspect most of those who are doing it because we are too busy worrying about men.

There is a young woman going through criminal proceedings at the moment for sexualy abusing children in nursery.

Also can you give specific numbers on the hugely increased risk so we can decide individually if we think the risk is huge.

There’s also been cases of female nursery workers abusing children and a case where one left a child to suffocate . If there’s no reaction when you leave your dd with a female staff member I would be concerned and raise with the manager. I would ask how she’s getting in generally and mention she’s nervous around the male worker. See your GP but at this stage the police seems too soon

Explain to me how this safeguarding policy that you trust in so much could have prevent Vincent Chan from digitally penetrating a two year old girl whilst she was asleep?

No a lot of parents don’t send their under 3s to nursery because we all know the safeguarding isn’t followed as well as it should. Especially the younger the child more lax their attitude because said child is unable to report abuse.

If you believe in this safeguarding so much then how did Thomas Waller and Vincent Chan get away with the the abuse for so long? In Waller’s case it was the child who outed him to his own parents and it took several years for staff to be suspicious of Chan and even then it was a deep dive into his electronics that uncovered the truth a year later.

Nurseries are breeding grounds for all sorts of abuse and neglect. Pretending they aren’t isn’t going to change that fact. Putting male or female working rights before child safety is a deplorable direction this country is taking.

Have you bothered to read this thread at all? Scroll up there are plenty of statistics that have been posted as well studies.

Men hold 98 percent of convictions for CSA and women hold 2 percent that is the only statistic you need to know. If you can’t infer the horrific implications of that stat in real time when there will be an increase in male recruitment then you have a different agenda. Frankly no other agenda takes precedent over child safety.

I feel like that too.I have never known any man to have an interest in working or caring for babies or toddlers.

That doesnt translate to male nursery workers imposing a much greater risk than their female counterparts. You can't just take data from one area and extrapolate it to another.

If you want to eliminate ALL risk then don’t leave your child with anyone. Because that’s the only way.

CSA in these settings is rare.

@Squishedpassenger safeguarding works that way though. All men banned from women only rape crisis centres for example. Read Julie Bindels latest article in the Telegraph. I agree men should not work in Nursery, female only wards, or anywhere where children or women are vulnerable. The stats tell us this.

Right. And no, it's not worth the risk. Not at all. Sexual abuse destroys lives.

Any man who cares about children would understand that the verified reality is that most children are sexually abused by men and refuse to add a completely unnecessary and well verified risk to their care.