To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

[TwattyMcTwattington]

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

Talk about grasping at straws 😅

I can understand the hurt, but also think it's a bit 'throwing yourself a pity party'. Your work do can mean more to you than these random colleagues. I personally don't believe in letting colleagues have this much power over your emotions or reactions.

why didn't you ask her to go back to R and tell her to book a fifth ticket for you?

This is baffling to me. The amount of overthinking and angst over getting a train?!

If this had happened at my work and I also planned on getting the train I'd just book my own ticket and say "oh I'll see you on the 16:04" or whatever. Or not say anything at all and then just see them on the train.

I wouldn't be presuming they don't like me/ there's a grand scheme against me/ I've been left out blah blah blah. Genuinely would not care enough to give this a second thought.

That was my first thought as well.

I honestly believe that very, very few people deliberately chose nastiness. Whereas many, many people are accidentally thoughtless.

What is it about making friends that has been so challenging for you? My older sister has always struggled making friends (she's diagnosed ASD), and now as an adult in her mid-40s, doesn't really have anyone more than casual acquaintances. She doesn't seem obviously fussed though, so I guess that's a small mercy.

Would you LIKE to be more friendly with these colleagues? Or are you fine with leaving them as friendly work acquaintances? Your ultimate goal would change my advice.

I'll probably ask my manager to meet in office B ahead of the meal and do something work related. I'll let you know how it goes though!

Good plan OP. I don't see why you should miss out on your Christmas do because your colleagues are a bunch of arseholes.

We're all different. The op has had a hard year and struggles with friendships so perhaps try and imagine how that must feel to be the only one out of a small group of 5 not included in travel arrangements. It's just basic social etiquette.

Are there colleagues at Site B you would enjoy spending time with at the Christmas do? If so, you can either ask your Site A colleagues if you can join them on the train ot just get yourself there and spend it with Site B colleagues.
Sorry I haven’t read whole thread but unless there’s a backstory about relationship issues with Site A colleagues don’t take them going together as a personal insult.
Also you’re not obligated to go - just give it a miss if you’re not feeling it.

So would you normally socialise with them at the party? Or take the opportunity to meet and chat to new people (or people you don’t get to see much)?
But I’d be bold and say ‘hold on what about me? I need a ticket too!’ Their response will tell you a lot, but they’ll have to respond!

And fourth: approach one of them quietly and say do you think I could join you? What train are you getting? Etc etc.

Im so sorry OP. They have been incredibly mean to you.
im a bit of an awkward Audrey but if they aren’t usually mean then style it out. Ask what train they are getting and go along. I hope you manage to enjoy yourself

You said you were looking forward to it so go! Don't miss out because of some ignorant colleagues. I would book same train same time and go sit with them just to pee them off but I am like that😅. Enjoy💕

I expect it isn't how you imagine. I bet one has said "what train are you getting?" And they have agreed to get the same one during conversation. Of you're not conversing with them they will assume you have made your own arrangements.

You need to ask them what train they are getting and aai "meet you at the station then "

Did they maybe say they were booking the tickets, as an opportunity for you to say that you’d travel with them?

This is what I think, especially if (given it's hybrid) they all happened to be in the office at the same time

I think you need to speak up, OP. This is either a genuine mistake, or frankly it's borderline bullying. Deliberately ostracising someone is bullying as it sets up a hostile environment for the victim.

I would always assume cock-up before I assumed conspiracy.

Hopefully that's the case here, but I think she needs to know one way or another.

They don't even pay for your dinner? Fuck that.

The thing is, I would really have to know whether it was deliberate or not, else I don't think I could keep on functioning well within that team. So I would ask (I'd try to be as casual as possible about it - and there are some good suggestions from earlier pps).

If you get an apology then all is good and you can join them. If the response is "cagey" you know there's a problem - in which case go on a different train (like you said, find a reason to be there earlier in the day). But there is also a wider problem about the dynamics within the team which you might have to bring up with your boss.

I'm autistic so regularly get treated this way. I think (trying really hard to understand their perspective) they think by dropping hints I'll pick up on clues by some covert messaging system that they're trying to subtly message what they're doing if I want to join them.

But then I know from previous times in childhood and early-adulthood that I've over-inserted myself where I'm not wanted and people have made it painfully, humiliating awkward and painful for me when it's dawned on me that they can't stand me. So now I just keep to myself, avoid everyone and rarely interact. Safer that way. Don't be me, there's probably a happy medium, it's just that I'm too autistic to find it.

You’ve not been left out of the Christmas do. They’ve made their travel arrangements, you haven’t made yours yet. Maybe they get a rail discount if 4 people travel? Maybe one of them was booking tickets and the others were like, ‘ooh book mine while you’re at it’. Maybe you weren’t around when they were making general travel plans. Maybe they assumed you’d have your own. Maybe they had a brain fart and didn’t think or forgot, to ask you. Maybe you could cheerily shout over, ‘what’s with the travel plans you cheeky sods, leaving me out how very dare you’ (a jokey tone matters with this suggestion).
Stop licking your wounds and stop assuming you’ve been ‘left out’.

I would ask if there was a reason not to include the 5th person travelling. Id bet that its due to you solo parenting/having to see to kids/having less flexibility/previously struggling to commit/not wanting to put pressure on you to plan when you have lots of spinning plates combined with the person who booked the tickete has a beef with you. Its thoughtless. It has to be called out. Its a work event, i think in work time, at a work site(?), partially funded by work and this leaving you out is bullying. They can do what they want in private time.
Id ask the person who booked the tickets, in front of a.n other why I wasnt included. That is their cue to apoligise snd fix it. If she doesnt, you have the measure of her.
(Assuming no previous history of you not paying for similar, not being a CF in the measures seen on MN etc etc)
Go and have a great time. Id love time on a train to switch off/read a book.
X

I’m reasonably good at advocating for myself, and I’d message R and ask what train she had booked so you can get tickets for the same one. Say that your colleague had mentioned it to you.

I act like you’ve just assume that everyone thought you’d be getting that train, ignore that you’ve been left out. It’s unlikely to have been malicious, and even if it is, don’t let that ruin your fun.

Then arrange to meet them at the station before the train, and all travel together. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.

People saying oh they all just organised it whilst together in a casual way and it's not deliberate...Do you create a chat group to discuss arrangements about a work function then exclude one member of the team from the chat group though? That's the part where they're making it obvious she's "other" and not one of them.

I don't take the college who mentioned R getting tickets as an invite to join them either. They didn't say "R is getting the tickets", it was "R is getting tickets for us 4" which again is excluding OP. I take it as, at best, that colleague having a shred of decency enough to give OP the heads up she'll need to make her own travel arrangements and, at worse, that colleague continuing the low level bullying by deliberately letting OP know she's been excluded.

I'd go OP, you've been wanting to go, you have friends at the other site, so spend the time with them.