To just not go to the Christmas do as I've been left out?

[TwattyMcTwattington]

I can't decide whether I need to pull myself together or give myself permission to be upset, so I'm rather rashly throwing myself at the mercy of Mumsnet.

Our company is split across two sites so we alternate locations for the Christmas do. I work at site A, this year the do is at site B. Company pays for the travel and the first £20 of meal costs. The other four members of the team based at my site have arranged to travel together on the train without including me.

For context, I've always found making friends very difficult but have always hidden any upset this causes, but do find being left out incredibly hurtful and difficult to deal with. I do realise these are colleagues not friends but I've worked with two of them for eight years. Regardless though, I think their behaviour is thoughtless at best and mean at worst. Honestly, I'm really upset but also deeply embarrassed. I'm dreading going and arriving at a different time or, worse, being on the same train but separate as it will be very obvious I'm not part of the in crowd.

I've had an awful year and was really looking forward to the do. Getting childcare is tricky as I'm a single parent so going anywhere but work is a rare treat so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but I really don't think I can face it now and I think I'll spend the evening feeling like a spare part, and quite unwanted!

What do you think?

YABU - grow up and style it out, go anyway!
YANBU - give it a miss, it's their loss not yours. Buy yourself a pizza instead!

Sounds intentional of them tbh. I wouldn't want to go seeing this kind of attitude either. Buying yourself a pizza instead sounds like a much more preferable option in this set up.

I'd say something to them. Make them explain their shitty behaviour.

OP that's a bit mean. You could say 'oh, are you all going on X train? I'll join you, it will be nice to arrive together' - they won't object out of shame (and will know you are practising a 'micro-aggression' on them that they deserve). Or, better, catch whatever train suits you, arrive with or without unthinking colleagues. No-one will take a blind bit of notice. If it happens to be the same train as they catch, when you meet a the station feign surprise, 'oh, I didn't know you were on this train or I would have joined you' - at which point they are uninvited by you. They will also be embarrassed, serve them right.
Coals upon their heads (not literally, of course).

I would presume there’s a misunderstanding and they think you’re not going or going under your own steam. Big deep breath and ask what train they’re on, and can you join them. You’re overthinking it. Go and enjoy yourself and use it as an opportunity to have better friendship with them going forward.

Maybe they see you as more of a grown up who normally does their own thing, and just assumed you wouldn't want to travel with them? It does sound weird and not great that they set up a separate group chat though.

Do the other four have kids? Thinking back to my days of being 20 something in the office, we probably left the slightly older parents out of lots of things, not from meanness, but just from assuming they wouldn't be interested in spending time with us.

Do you get bitchy vibes from any of them generally? If not I think you'll have to be brave and ask whichever one you get on best with if you can travel with them.

Could you not just approach the person you're most friendly with and say you'd like to travel with them? Unless they're nasty people, or there's a history of animosity it's more likely they've been thoughtless rather than deliberately excluding of you.
However if you do think its deliberate then personally I'd not go as I would find it awkward to have been excluded and difficult to 'get in' with the socialising, unless there were people from the other site I felt I could pally up with.
Hopefully you will discover its oversight not spite and all will be well.

I would just ask to go with them. They probably should have asked but people have their own stuff going on or may have thought you had already made arrangements.

This is exactly what I would do, I bet they've just forgotten/thought you might not want to join them? It won't be malicious

I totally understand how you feel. I’d be exactly the same but I wouldn’t have had genius idea to go to site b for work with manager ahead of time. Top points for sneakiness. Hope you have fun and if it’s total shit be super proud of yourself for not bottling it!!!

I would be devastated too OP, but would do my best to put it down to thoughtlessness rather than anything worse. You can't have been on their radar when they requested the tickets and unless they are much nastier than they sound, will be embarrassed when they forget to check if you were getting that train.
Now this has happened I don't think I could bear to ask to join them before the day, but I'd get whatever train was convenient and say hello if I saw them on the platform or on the train.
Please don't decide not to go. It will be fun when you get there.

I would have said give it a miss aside from the fact you are looking forward to it and have sorted childcare.

Would a taxi be feasible? Them at least you won't have the potential same train awkwardness.

Sorry I don't get this at all, just drop a message on the group teams chat that you are booking the same train. Stop being such a wet blanket!

OP, you’re tying yourself in emotional knots over a train journey. This isn’t a Victorian parlour game where being left out means you’re destined to die alone, they probably just booked seats without thinking that adults need formal invitations to sit together.

You’re reading malice into something that’s mild thoughtlessness.
If you want to go to the Christmas do - then go. Get on the train, sit wherever you like, and stop acting like you need to be shepherded in by the popular girls.

You’re a grown woman, not a Year 8 waiting to be picked for netball.
If you skip it out of pride you’ll just be at home, miserable, eating pizza & getting sloshed and convincing yourself you’re a social pariah.

Go. Enjoy yourself. Stop making yourself smaller because a few coworkers didn’t hold your hand on the journey.

They should have asked you of course & its never nice to be excluded.

I am wondering if one of the group of 4 has one of those family & friends rail cards where you can travel with 4 people at the discounted rate? Perhaps that is why they are organising together?

I would go though OP - I would feel worse being at home on the day of the party.

I wonder would R have got the wrong end of the stick and that the person booking meant that they had booked for themselves and booked four other tickets.

I think you need to ask one of the others.

I'd ask the one you know best how they're getting there and ask if you could join them as you'd like to have someone to walk in with.

It’s deliberate. Tell them all to fk themselves and don’t go.

It could well be an oversight. Just ask the person put are working with today if you can travel with them. They will surely say yes. Problem solved. Just be an adult, for God’s sake, instead of having a victim mentality.

Agree with this.

No, because OP hasn’t communicated to them that she would like to get the train.

It isn't anyone's job to organise travel, but R has chosen to organise it on behalf of the group of four. And not include me.

I'd say something like: 'Hi R, I understand you have organised train tickets, thanks for doing that, what time is our train leaving?'

Just pretend to assume you have been included and see what she says.

I am amazed there are companies that still do 'xmas do's'. Many don't allow them now due to the chaos they cause. You don't have to go !

Not sure why people are suggesting OP doesn't go - it's a good time for her to see her colleagues and managers from the other site.

The seats on the train will be in a four, if they have booked a table which is highly likely, so even if they had booked you a ticket one of the five of you is going to have to sit separately, maybe they didn’t want it to be one of them? Maybe they’ve planned to have lunch and a few drinks on the train and you grabbing one of the seats at the table would have messed that arrangement up …….

I dunno though, with all the WFH and hybrid working going on there, plus another lot of colleagues of unspecified shared chumminess based from site B, this quartet might have perfectly simple reasons for this reported travelling arrangement, absolutely nothing to do with OP whatsoever.
I feel there’s too swift an assumption of deliberate exclusion being made.

Also, if it is mere oversight for some reason (such as this four have recently been organising a supper club among themselves, or attending Beat poetry readings) then their not automatically thinking to extend an invitation to OP to join in their ticket-buying is not that hard to comprehend.
Making OP feel included would depend on one of the group (X) having an acute sense of empathy, of anticipating any discomfort someone else (OP) may conceivably experience, in a routine situation where they themselves (X) bear no such responsibility by ordinary standards.
Such sympathetic antennae are pretty rare.

(Someone recommended reporting all this to management. I think doing that would certainly squelch any possibility of harmony at work, and poison all future social occasions.
It’d be to castigate and blame the others for behaviour not even proven to be forgetful, never mind malicious, and in a mature person it'd be extremely ill-advised professionally. )

@TwattyMcTwattington what are they usually like toward you?

I can kind of see how something like this might happen. Like R and A were talking and R mentioned how B had suggested the train so R might go "oh, that's a good idea, will you book me a ticket" but I admit it's a bit weird that they wouldn't think to mention it to you.

Are you the only one with kids? Sometimes that can make people in work feel very other. Like they forget you're also a person, not just a mother!

If you can go and sit with people from the other site and genuinely enjoy it, then go. If you think you'll spend the whole night awkward/upset, or embarrassed, I would genuinely give it a miss. Keep the babysitting and maybe see if a friend can do something for the night.

If this is a pattern of behaviour then regardless of how embarrassed or upset you feel, it really should be brought up to your manager. That's not ok. Is it more likely to be a clumsy oversight or deliberate exclusion?