Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

DS just called me up to his bed and said some strange stuff. He talked about daddy pushing him and he said he was gonna tell teachers. Then he followed that up by saying "mummy and daddy are most important people in your life". It wss quite odd. When he was crying he was saying "why do I have a scary daddy". H says DS manipulating me in thise moments because he knows how to get a reaction.

Ds is right
Daddy is scary
Op go to speak to school sageguarding lead tomorrow

op I bet your really stressed! You need to do the right thing for your kids and you. Either you need to move out with your children or he goes.

He sounds like he is very dominating with you too. Not treating you like a partner.

I haven’t read all the comments but arfid have you come across that term? Very restrictive eating. My child is the same he can even have mc d nuggets but if they are slightly more overcooked he will refuse to eat them. It’s not about being fussy it’s about them not being able to eat it.

Can you imagine this happening if your boy was 14 (he could be 6 foot by then and stronger) its abuse and your partner is so wrong to a young child.

You can’t live in the hostile family life. You need to get those boys out with you or the partner out. It could get a lot worse this could just be the start. I understand it’s not easy with Sen children however your partner is causing more stress on top.

Your children will feel safe around you - you are the safe parent and potentially masking around the dad and being on their best behaviour as they don’t know how he will react. Children aren’t stupid even though yours are little.

(Yes ive got an ASD kid too so I really understand the struggles and it’s really difficult but he was bang out of line and it probably won’t be the last time either - sorry)

good luck make sure you keep your boys safe and look after yourself. You can’t trust your partner

H just stopped playing video games...and said "ok. I'm obviously sorry. I do think you're exaggerating or whatever. But yes I was shocked when he was suddenly on the floor and hurt. I feel ashamed of that bit ok? I am sorry" and is now asking me what we should watch on Netflix. Im just stayinb quiet

What will happen if I go in to the school and tell them tomorrow? They'll tell SS right?

It was a shitty thing to do. He obviously lost his temper and did a very wrong thing.

If this is the only time, then id be tempted to say he just cracked. People do sometimes do the wrong thing under pressure. Give him time to think about it. See if he realises it was wrong. Don't back him into a corner where he feels he has to be defensive.

If this is generally the way he would react then obviously it is very, very serious. Likewise if it is part of a general escalation, also a very big problem. I'd say that was ultimatum time for me.

I think it is easy to say LTB. That would leave you as a sole parent to 2 young children, one with additional needs. Either you would take ALLthe strain, or custody would be shared and he'd have children unsupervised. That's not a road I'd go down lightly. Do you feel your son is at risk? That's the really crucial question here, and I include risk of emotional damage from poor treatment even if it doesnt quite cross into physical abuse.

Whatever you feel/decide, reach out for as much support as you can. It's very tough to parent a child with additional needs.

Yes they will tell social services and rightly so.

Instead of netflix you need to be telling him to leave.

Every school has a designated safeguarding lead, you do need to get ahead of this and talk to the school yourself, try not to get too far ahead of yourself and panic about social services being involved.
If you don’t say anything that’s when it looks dodgy!

This. And the OP has referred to her husband referring to her being manipulated by her son.

Is this when he is actually trying to explain to his mum that his father is scaring/ abusing/ hurting him. Or all3? JFC

Time to wake up OP

Hopefully. Your DS needs protecting by someone.

Yes it’s likely they will tell SS, but that’s a good thing as they can offer support and monitor to ensure your children are safe. Please remember your children are your priority.

Yes of course, anyone who can't control their temper is autistic🙄

My exH was like this. It's me who's autistic - he's just a twat.

Yes they will tell SS but they will also tell them that you’re the one who raised the alarm. It is a really good idea for you to be proactive in this so that SS know there is one fit parent, never mind the obvious duty you have to your children.

That isn't an excuse. It's an objective statement on the situation. I highlighted that it is a huge risk. I'm not sure what you are objecting to, frankly.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you and your sons op but, based on your update, I really think you should act to protect your son and your DH will just have to live with the consequences of losing your trust. Remember that the law has changed so that the other parent/partner can be held responsible for failing to prevent the abuse of a child.

Why aren't you kicking him out ffs

'DS goes to slap dh'. Really? This is not lashing out on the spur of the moment. He actually goes to slap somebody. Where did he learn this action 'going to slap'? I understand that lashing out/meltdown is not learnt, but going to slap a person? If he tries to slap somebody in real life because they stare at him or whatever, it could be very unfortunate for him. He needs to understand hierarchy and ne needs to forget this action of 'going to slap', otherwise life will hurt him. Nobody is going to tip-toe around your ds in real life.

His dad is hurting him right now. In case you missed that bit

I highly recommend you only take advice and feedback from parents who have ND kids. Parents who don’t just cannot understand and a lot of what they say isn’t helpful. My DH has had similar issues with our oldest and we did a course on non violent resistance which has massively changed things for the better. We were referred by my son’s psychiatrist but you can go private too.

Whats your view on the adult who tipped a 6 year out out their chair?

Fucking hell. How to spectacularly miss the point.
The issue is not an autistic child navigating the world but a grown man bullying a small child.

Your dh is abusive and there's simply no excuse for what he did.

I think you'd be wise to speak to school and perhaps a social worker yourself so it's clear you aren't covering up his abuse of your child.

I'd be asking him to leave the house this evening.

He is minimizing, because he is every inch an abusive , minimizing shit. Protect your son OP

Video games and Netflix. Give me strength, he is fucking your child’s life up

Please don't take any notice of that poster @Spiderwoman123 . He does it on every thread where there's an abusive husband. Your H needs to leave.

I feel very sorry for your six year old son. It makes me sad that there are parents out there like this - your husband is a twat and if you tolerate this then you are just as bad.

Of course. ND kids are hard work and deserve to get thrown around by their pissed off father.

Op has already said her husband doesn't engage with any medical help they get and puts their sons behaviour down to ops lax parenting.
A lot of us don't have nd kids but we do have empathy and can see the right and wrongs of situations.