Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Op. Listen to your child. Ask your husband to leave. He’s not saying “strange stuff” he’s telling you what your husband is doing. I really hope he does tell his teachers so they can help protect your son.

Cannot believe how many pp are making excuses for the poor stressed man. What about the small child who can't eat his chicken, not because he's being picky but it sounds like sensory issues? I don't have an autistic child but I've read enough to know this is a thing.
There is a massive size and strength difference between a 6 Yr old and a man in his 40s. What did he seriously think would happen if a little kid slapped him?
He doesn't really accept the diagnosis and thinks you can smack it out of him.
Poor kids i would be tempted to tell him to stay away for a while and have a think about how his actions have impacted 3 people, two of them little kids.

How do you know this for sure? He could just be an abusive fucker. It’s so dangerous to make snap judgments after one post on the internet.

If I were in your shoes I would be wondering what has been going on when you aren’t there

Deleted as I forgot to refer the correct poster. Re-posted further down!

Please talk to the school OP. Also tell them that your son wanted to tell his teachers so they give him a safe space to talk.

Prepare yourself for that story to get relaid to your son’s support staff and for that to be logged on MyConcern. Are there any bruises on him?

Please listen to your child, op. He is trying really hard to tell you what’s going on.

The fact that your husband is defending himself and still trying to blame a small child I think says it all… No apology or feeling remorse? That’s what’s worrying to me after what he has done!

The incident itself is bad enough, but what worries me is that this seems to be a flavour of your DH's general parenting - shouty, aggressive, high conflict.

The absolute opposite to what a child dealing with your DS's challenges needs.

Where is your DS's safe space? Life is going to be hard enough for him at school, he needs support and allowances made at home. In a shouty, aggressive, judgemental atmosphere where everyone is walking on eggshells, how is this little boy meant to decompress?

No! Do not make excuse for an abusive arsehole who is bullying a 6 year old child. I say this a ND parent of 2 ND children.

Id have already called 101.

This 💯

I feel like I want DS to tell the teachers too. Thats what in my gut...I hope he says something

@Spiderwoman123

a few observations;

your son is ASD, that in itself puts pressures on your family, you seem to be well informed about how best to support your son, your husband does not seem to be coping therefore he needs to better educate himself.

You mentioned that your husband is the family chef and it royally pisses him off if the kids criticise his efforts. This could be addressed simply by putting the food into serving dishes on the table and each person helps themselves to what appeals best. Could that be an improvement for you all?

There should certainly be a concerted effort for finding a creative solution around mealtimes that will suit both your husband and your son.

Finally and most importantly to you my lovely. You're trying to keep your family afloat but you sound exhausted, stressed and unsupported by a husband who needs to do better.

I presume, as you seem to be the higher earner that you've made a family decision for you to be full-time whilst he is part-time? But that surely means he then should take off some of the mental load not add to it.

He, your husband is not your third child, you both should be facing the challenges of having an ND son, together.

What he did with your son shows that he is not coping.

So, in a calm moment, you need to have a conversation about how best to move forward to ensure a safe and contented home, for all of you.

I wish you all the very best @Spiderwoman123 it is not unfixable but changes should be made. 🌸

Your 6 year old child isn't manipulating you, but your grown ass husband is trying to.

You are your son’s protector. You can tell school first. Don’t put all the responsibility onto a small child to tell someone.

Yes, children don't eat for all sorts of reasons.

Children and food is a really bad one to get wound up about. You're essentially denying your child's autonomy over what they put in their mouth.

Battles over food are damaging and never worth it.

^This
If your son has food issues, they aren’t going to suddenly be cured when you’re not around, either he is giving him what he knows he will eat so there isn’t an issue or he’s somehow making him eat it.

Or maybe you, an adult woman, could take action? Why is this on your son?

Go speak to school safeguarding lead yourself
Tell them what happened and that ds may tell teachers
They can point you to support

If a man lifted a woman’s chair and threw her onto a concrete floor it would rightly be seen as highly abusive but because it was done to a defenceless child by their parent it deserves an eye roll? What makes it less serious, the child having SEN? It may currently be legal to smack a child but it is not legal to throw one across the room. Touching the chair rather than the child makes no difference imo except that maybe it was more calculated than the DH made out.

I’m surprised that some posters are seeming to minimise your DH’s behaviour.

What he did this evening was an act of violence and it is just pure luck that your DS didn’t suffer a severe injury or death when he was thrown to a concrete floor. I think your DH needs to leave your home tonight. Your DS is only six. I certainly would not leave him alone with your DH for the foreseeable.

Just read your update. I'm sorry but i would be worried that husband has done stuff when you're not there and told son not to say as mummy and daddy are most important. That's an odd thing for a kid to say unless they've heard it somewhere. From your description at teatime husband didn't push him then so maybe he has before.

I'm thinking same. I'm sure there are vmfew of us on here who haven't shouted at our child and possibly scared them, and then felt terrible afterwards.

If his response had been shock at himself, and a resolution to get support to avoid a repeat I think it wouldn't have been so bad.

That he doesn't seem to see that what he did wasn't ok means it may keep hapenning.