Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

My view on that is probably illegal - I would have waited till we were alone and I would have tipped him out of a chair violently and said you like it? And then I would probably have left him. I can forgive when it concerns me (not really, tbh), but I don't forgive anyone being nasty to my dc.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job advocating for your son and he is making progress.

Unfortunately your husband can and will completely undermine all your efforts. His behaviour will destroy you and your son, and probably his brother.

You need to leave him and provide your son with a safe and steady home. With you.

Your husband sounds ridiculous. He wanted to hurt your son, what kind of man squares up to a 6 year old? Your child was curled up in a ball crying, your son could have asked him to go to his room as opposed to dropping him off the chair like a piece of trash.

I cant even imagine witnessing that and doing absolutely nothing about it 😕

I’m so sorry OP. I think you know that this is very far from OK, but there are a couple of things that stand out.

Your kiddo is little and struggles to regulate himself (I have an 11 year old with learning disabilities and autism so am very familiar with the kind of lashing out you are describing). What he needs in those moments is calm modelling and a parent who can de-escalate and be a safe space. This isn’t excusing aggressive behaviour - but some children with learning disabilities react this way instinctively and it isn’t poor parenting or permissive to treat this differently to a child who is just “misbehaving” (though I’d suspect any 6 year old who was hitting to be doing so for some kind of reason).

Abusive response aside, your H is actively escalating these situations, and is modelling dysregulated and violent behaviour to a little boy who needs to feel calm and safe in the midst of his big emotions. Your H has traumatised that poor little lad - children with autism are often highly empathetic and feel things very deeply. I’d imagine his father’s response tonight is likely to stick with him. The question is, how can you prevent a repeat? Because, at this moment, your husband shows no sign of reflection or awareness of the seriousness of what he has done - you have the agency here.

Your son is 6 and his first response to this is to seek help from his teacher - that says an awful lot and I agree with previous posters that it sounds very likely that this is the tip of the iceberg from your H. Your son will tell someone at school - and they will want to know why you didn’t tell them first.

You sound like a lovely mum - and just the supportive, safe person your son needs - but he needs you to step up for him now. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you - but this isn’t going to just resolve itself.

This.
You are doing everything you can.
You need to reach out to safeguarding, your GP.
Your child cannot be forced to eat.
You provide the food, they can choose or not to eat.
Its very hard to accept they will not eat, but we must.
Once they are being provided food they will not starve.
I know only too well how stressful parenting such a child can be.
What your husband did is so wrong.

Your child is already traumatised by his father.
Please act.

That’s a grown man’s non-apology for doing that to a six-year-old. It’s sickening.

"why do I have a scary daddy" 💔

How low is the bar, fucking hell

Well joining the dots the DH has been up to god knows what with his son for some time. Or else why is he being called manipulative?

Now he had actually abused your son literally in front of you OP. An action that could have paralyzed or killed your child.

What are you going to do to prevent an ill landing Throw or shove killing or maiming your son OP?

Tolerate this and you may find out

Ffs this made me mad, he’s a ND 6 yo child. I have 3 children 8, 11 & 13 they all behave differently with me and DH, they have done since babies it’s no different to how children act when at school or if someone else is looking after them compared to when with their parents.

He's gaslighting you, I’d absolutely let your DS tell school, otherwise you’re teaching everything DS has been told at school that his teachers are a safe space isn’t true.

It dosnt matter what he says to you, my response will be so my parenting made you get into an argument with a six year old child, so my parenting made you push a six year old child off a chair and keep repeating it. Also ask him how he’d react if a friend or family member came round and didn’t want to eat his food, would he attack them. I’d also make tea tomorrow and put something your husband can’t stand in front of him and tell him to eat it, I bet it will be you know I don’t like that, I’m a grown man I don’t have to eat that, then calmly ask him why should a child be forced to eat something too.

Two of our children are the most fussiest eaters, one potential DN both definitely texture issues, we’ve always given them new foods but always had a back up or happy to give them something else if they don’t like it. It’s called parenting, sometimes it dosnt go as smoothly as you like but you have to do what’s best for your DCs.

You need call Women’s Aid and the school yourself, before someone else does. It sounds like he is escalating his abuse. Your sons need help. The reason they behave “better” when you’re not there is because they’re terrified of him and you’re not there to protect them.

There was ds2 - she needed to think of him, no? Also, there was ds1 - no way should he witness violence from his mum, if his mum is to teach him that violence (slapping) is not appropriate. But afterwards, oh, boy, afterwards!

"What will happen if I go in to the school and tell them tomorrow? They'll tell SS right?"

Would this be the kind of solution you are actually wanting for your family @Spiderwoman123?

Your husband was 100% wrong, do you feel the whole family is endangered?

If you feel there is no safe resolution for you and your children then you should certainly be asking your husband to leave.

for sp.

Unbelievable!!!

OP this sounds horrendous. You are dithering on what to do while your poor son is terrified of his dad. God knows what has happened out of your sight. And to all those saying the dad could be ND - who cares. The child needs protecting from his dad! Get away from him for your son’s sake. This is so sad.

Edited to add that I’ve quoted the wrong post somehow but you get my drift! Unbelievable was in response to the twat going on about how the son went to slap the dad (as if that’s the key takeaway from this post…).

I put YABU for even starting to let your husband think this is ok. I hate your husband in this scenario. What a nasty man. Your child has diagnosed issues and is weird about food. Let him eat what he wants. He picked him up and dropped him onto the hard floor. Abusive prick. Also, sorry, this must be a really shit situation for you.

Oh we are back to fighting. I was on my phone reading these comments and H starts "you askign chatgbt what to do about yoru shitty husband or something". Anyway - i said, yes well i am trying to work out what we need to do and get advice because what happened isnt acceptable. And he starts getting really mad. He says i'm lying about the raising the hand. He says he was reaching for the window sill to get himself to standing (in order to pick up the bloody chair!). he says i'm lying to make him worse. he said "i'm not a bad dad. i'm a great dad" and i said "not tonight you werent'" and he stormed out saying i was a fucking liar and now hes playing video games again. he's scared i'm gonna tell the school i think.

there are all the normal practical fears of leaving - the biggest being him being left alone with the kids for days on end. i have lost respect for him a long time ago but i never thought it woudl get to this. i feel shocked. it was shocking - seeing him pick up the chair and turn it over so DS fell. H keeps calling it a 'shocking accident'.

FWIW logging this with someone will be something you’re pleased you did when you end up arguing about who your children live with. I’d also log what your son said about scary daddy etc.

Sorry where did you get violence from mum from?

Your H is just a shit parent isn't he? Even leaving aside autism, expecting a 6 year old to be grateful for food being cooked? He has no clue. He is just crap at it, and now verging on abusive. What are you going to do about it? You can't let this stand.

If he really is sorry he’d be telling you how he was going to ensure this NEVER happened again.

He’s acting hasn’t got a clue how serious his behaviour was.

You said - can't imagine not doing anything - I said that mum probably wanted to do something to him, but decided against it (violence) in the presence of her two sons. I thought you meant 'not hitting dh' when you said 'not doing smth', sorry

Well, we only have your side of the story, and no one here knows any of you. There are people on here who get off on telling women that they are married to complete bastards, and they should leave.

This sounds like a very upsetting incident, but turn into Mumsnet for help is just going to wind everyone up.
Please try and find someone better for advice.

You need to get the wheels in motion. Your husband is escalating. Your son is not safe with him

He very likely won’t want them for days on end , too much like hard work

hes a dick poor me hes such a victim

not interested in his sons problems