Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

This is assault. This is awful. You ask him to leave the house, you change the locks and you do not let him near your son unless and until he goes into an abuser program. Forget all this bollocks about poor regulation and neurodiversity. Your husband was in complete control of himself and chose to drop your son on the floor rather than hit him presumably because it gave him the option of plausible deniability and he knew that hitting a child might be more likely to prompt you to leave him. But in my opinion what he did was a thousand times worse than hitting a child in a moment of dysregulation. It was a sadistic, cold and calculated act. Take care, be careful.

Your instincts are right OP, if you're DH is shaken by his loss of control and promising not to do it again with agreed changes, thats one thing....blaming you still ...then you have to act...he assaulted your son...he could have fractured his skull

It sounds as though he's really struggling to parent a child that is ND and I would seriously question his being the default parent if he's working part time. He cannot lose control like that on a repeated basis.

Our eldest has got ADHD, DH and she used to lock horns something terribly. I felt like a referee most of the time between the two of them, and actually ended up making DH move out for a few months so he could take a deep breath and see how damaging his black and white parenting attitude was to our DD and the rest of us. Your DH needs to learn to walk away before he loses control like that again. And that may not be around you all, I'm sad to say.

Did he tip the chair forward or backwards OP. I can see tipping it forward he might think DS would slide off and be ok, tipping it backwards is more questionable

God, the number of times I read people giving neuro diversity as an excuse for behaviour. Yes, it explains the urge to behave in certain ways, but it's not a get out of jail free card to give you carte blanche to terrorise and physically abuse your child. It doesn't matter if he's a card carrying triple A rated top autist ever. He's hurt your child. Do you know how many times I've hurt my children when I've felt like I'm struggling to cope? Zero. None. Because as a parent I don't get the choice.

Duplicate post.

God, the number of times I read people giving neuro diversity as an excuse for behaviour. Yes, it explains the urge to behave in certain ways, but it's not a get out of jail free card to give you carte blanche to terrorise and physically abuse your child. It doesn't matter if he's a card carrying triple A rated top autist ever. He's hurt your child. Do you know how many times I've hurt my children when I've felt like I'm struggling to cope? Zero. None. Because as a parent I don't get the choice.

Words that would be coming out of my mouth

You just fucking assaulted your child!
I don’t care if he tried to hit you he’s a six year old child, your a fucking adult, grow up!
You blame my parenting one more time and we are done!
at least I’m trying to be a better parent by understanding his issues what the fuck have you done!
a child not liking their dinner is no excuse to stand over them and intimidate them, if it was a&es would be full of children flipped off their chairs every fucking night by parents!
im sick of parenting 3 children, grow the fuck up, even better go see a dr before I take my children and leave your childish violent arse here!

My DH has adhd and has been known to fly off the handle easily and struggles with some other things, I would and have said these things including “I don’t give a fuck about your adhd your the adult here”

There is no way I’d stand back and let this happen again. I also no longer have quiet words, I make sure any times I feel the need to call him out, which hasn’t been for a long time, I do so as it’s happening and I front of the DCs. I’m all for parents being on the same page and a united front but not at the detriment to my children.

Your husband even sniping back and forth with a 6 year old is appalling. Why is he trying to intimidate him? He is SIX. I don't care for forty million posts speculating on whether your husband also has autism.

It’s quite obvious where DS gets his ASD from.

None of that is relevant to an ND child. Was your brother ND?

Do you understand that “rewarding” desert for eating something they cannot physically eat does not work and can be damaging?

Not defending your husband but we’ve all done things as parents we regret. Let things cool down & tell him that it was out of order, emotions are to high now.

There’s an issue around dinner & I would say I do agree with your H when it comes to giving him treats after not eating. It’s not necessarily a ND trait to play up at dinner time especially when they know the thing they want to eat is on offer. you do need to be tougher. My daughter was a pain when it came to meal times at your son’s age only wanting to eat beige foods. I started doing her a few smiley faces with her dinner. Just a couple to make the dinner more appealing. The first thing it did was stop the full on strop when she came to the table. She could see something she would eat. I then would say there’d be nothing else unless she tried the other things. She’d pull a face but ultimately tried it. I think I did this for about 6 months & she switched. She started leaving the foods she preferred instead choosing to eat the food that would result in a treat. She went from picky to adventurous. She’ll try anything. My son is different because I didn’t make the same mistakes he actually prefers healthier foods. You and hubby need to have a plan & work together. Because at the minute it’s him against everyone else & even though his reaction was abhorrent I can see how frustrated he must feel. He isn’t wrong to try & get your son to eat better and show manners.

It must be utterly shite for those diagnosed with autism and who manage not to abuse their children to read that it's the reason for an endless parade of men who abuse their children. I can't remember the last time I read a thread about a man's appalling behaviour and it didn't come back to neurodivergence.

I don’t think husband’s reaction suggests he’s ND…I think there’s many NT people who would find parenting a child like that extremely frustrating and beyond what they can cope with.

Here is what you do..

You tell your husband (who sounds as if he is ND himself I have not read the whole thread, so apols if this has come out) that violence (which this was) is 100% unacceptable.

You remind him that if his child had banged his head on the floor or been sufficiently injured, at the very least, you would be at A and E now and he would be getting arrested for assaulting his own child.

You tell him if he lifts a finger to that child ever again you will call the police on him.

You let the child eat what he wants and never make any sort of fuss about his eating. You give him the food, he eats what he eats and that's the end of it. You keep your husband entirely out of this dynamic. If he makes an effort to eat something new, maybe he gets pudding. Your decision..

Your husband needs a very short sharp shock and absolutely no more chances. No excuses and no casting blaming around either.

Your husband is a dick. I don’t care if he is autistic, he’s still a grown up and essentially fighting with a 6yr old ND kid is appalling. He needs to get a grip. He’s supposed to be setting an example not escalating conflict.

I'm so sorry OP.

you are not a weak parent, it sounds like you've been doing the work of two parents.

this isn't ok, you know that, your reaction is telling you that. Hopefully your H knows that deep down too.

at the end of the day, no matter who said what your son was hurt and your H WON'T control himself around him. Not can't won't. If this was in a restaurant with others around would H have done it? If his parents were there would he? His workmates? I'm guessing no - so he can control himself he just gives himself licence not to in certain situations and if you look the other way you do too.

this means you have to protect your son from him - this is the indicator. Im so sorry I know this is more work for you.

from now, no arguing about who said what when - you're responding to your son being hurt and preventing it happening again.

look at the patterns and respond and tell H if he won't try to change and engage with education you will look for help from friends and family or support workers or babysitter around when you can't be

Sorry but I actually really hate the suggestion your husbands neurodiverstiy is causing this.

My child is autistic and my husband also used to get very very stressed at mealtimes. It is REALLY hard having an ND kid who is fussy like this.

My husband would take himself for a walk when meals happened as he got so wound up

You see what I said - he took himself for a walk. He didnt throw kids around.

please ignore comments about 'weak parenting' op. Absolutely laughable from people who have no idea what it is like having an autistic child.

I totally get you reacting strongly to this. I would to. Your husband is an adult and is responsible for his actions, and picking up a chair and throwing your son off it onto a hard floor is totally unacceptable. He could have seriously injured him. To then blame your parenting? Hard no. And there is no way your child bears any responsibility here. No matter how unreasonable children are, they don’t deserve to have their father losing control and acting like that. Parents are human, yes, but it doesn’t sound like your husband has any interest in learning coping strategies. But I think you have to take a clear look at what your options and your kids’ options are here. It’s easy for people to say LTB to protect your son, but then if your husband has any access to your son, you don’t have control of what happens when you aren’t there. That would worry me more at his age. Equally from what you have said, your husband is currently not willing to take any steps to address his behaviour. Is there any chance that if you let him calm down and then pick this up with him in a supportive way, he might have shocked himself enough to see this as a turning point? Or does he genuinely believe there was nothing wrong with what he did? If that’s so, honestly I would self refer your family to social services. It’s a last resort, but your priority needs to be to keep your son safe, and if your husband won’t or can’t see that physically endangering your six year old child is wrong, I don’t see you’ve got many choices. They will look positively on you having approached them proactively for help. If not, and if school or another party hears that there is this level of violence in your home, you may be judged to be complicit for not acting to protect your son. I’m really sorry, OP. You sound like you are on eggshells a lot of the time trying to smooth over tensions and that’s exhausting alongside working full time.

why is it only relevant to ND children. Most kids play up at dinner time. It doesn’t have to end up in WW3 but you also don’t have to reward the not eating either. If you have an incentive for him to try something then use it. How do you differentiate between normal behaviour & ND behaviour because most 6yo would behave in this way given the chance. Picky eaters isn’t a new phenomenon. Being ND doesn’t mean there is to be no boundaries either.

As a ND woman I’m honestly really depressed at how prevalent it is. All my life I’ve seen boys and men have their bad behaviour excused with neurodiversity while I was labelled as plain old stroppy/weird/angry. I’m quite sure that if it had been the female parent who had tipped that chair the reaction would have been quite different.

Thats pretty much word for word what I've just been saying to H. H isnt taking any of it. Telling me DS only refuses dinner when im there and when he has them by himself he doesnt get any shit. I let them eat too much sugar. Im making stuff up. Im exaggerating. He thought he would land on his feet and only noticed DS was tucked up in a ball as he was picking uo the chair

The thing is if DS had been hitting and hitting and H lashed out that would have been one thing. He honestly barely touched H and then he started crying in a ball on the chair. He wasn't hitting H.

DS just called me up to his bed and said some strange stuff. He talked about daddy pushing him and he said he was gonna tell teachers. Then he followed that up by saying "mummy and daddy are most important people in your life". It wss quite odd. When he was crying he was saying "why do I have a scary daddy". H says DS manipulating me in thise moments because he knows how to get a reaction.

I do feel maybe I need to talk to school. I feel really worried what might happen

My DH has had to rethink his parenting style with our eldest child who is autistic, my DH used to say things like ‘why can’t he just do as he’s told’ or similar.
They would both shout at each other, neither backing down and it was awful to be honest. It was only when I said I would leave with the children that he actually took on board what I was saying, the paediatric consultant etc and really tried to modify his behaviour. He himself was brought up in a household where you did as you were told or your parents wanted to know why, typical 80’s upbringing.
Firstly your husbands behaviour is unacceptable, picking up a chair with a child on it to get him to leave the room is awful and you are right to be concerned and I would be in telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to control himself or leave.
The family therapist we spoke to after our sons diagnosis said that my husband was grieving for the ‘normal’ child he thought he would have, he was out of his depth totally when dealing with any situation which had to be verbally unpicked and calmly discussed when our son had calmed down because he was still inwardly cross that our son hadn’t just listened to him in the first place.
I think the final moment that broke the cycle they were in was that our son sobbed to his Dad that he knew he didn’t love him. My DH was broken hearted because he loves all our children, he just found the others easier and had more in common with them. My husband then started making a real effort to calm down, find a common ground and ask me to step in if he was feeling out of his depth.
We are now 5 years further in and they have a great relationship, our son has matured and thrived at high school after having no friends at primary because secondary is more regimented and they both know when to give the other some space, for example my DH has learnt there is no point asking our son to do anything for at least an hour after school because he shuts himself away in his room so he gives him that time to decompress etc
I guess what I’m trying to say in a very long winded way is that your husband needs to admit when he has behaved badly and must want to change/take on board advice to prevent further escalation.
You are your child’s biggest advocate, no one is perfect but your husband is not a child and should not be retaliating/arguing with a small child.

His lack of remorse is pretty disgusting, OP. Just compounds the whole thing really. What would you like to be the outcome?