Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Can you get counselling just for yourself @Spiderwoman123? It seems that you are in too much turmoil and getting more and more distressed. Talking things over with an experienced counsellor might help you unravel your thoughts and emotions and focus on your options on the best way to move forward.

Read the comment im replying to 😊

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

Hurl(verb): to send or thrust with great force, to throw down with violence, to fling.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hurl

No it isn’t and you could be the softest parent in the world and this still wouldn’t be your fault

because you are not and never will be responsible for his reactions and behaviour. That is on him - and I think that is the root of this he can’t accept any responsibility for his own behaviour and I expect this is a pattern throughout your relationship

to the point where you feel so responsible that the charity says it might be the stress of marriage because you are so used to taking it all on

outside of your children this doesn’t sound like a healthy situation or environment for you because he makes you feel responsible for his reactions and question yours to the point where you are seeing yourself as being too soft!

He sounds even more like a psychopath with each update you post.

Not sure why you're still with him tbh. If you continue to stay with him knowing he is like this then you are complicit in the abuse of your DC IMO.

His refusal since forever to consider the idea and do something about it has now left them in a crisis situation. I think he'll need to find the money to go private if that's his only option or get on the 'right to choose' pathway and be open to travelling some distance for available appointments. It can be done.

@StellaMary I do have people I can talk to IRL. There are a couple of people - they think my H is a bit of a nightmare i guess but also warn me of the huge upheaval of divorce - the loss of home, money, stability for the DC - and that H is loyal, dependable. most recommend counselling etc. i haven't gone into detail about him and DS though - more that i find it v hard to communicate with H.

DS in bath said "is that what some daddies do?". I feel like half my brain is sayinh this is awful get out, and the other half is saying he lost his temper but he didnt want to hurt him

Now you're minimising it OP.

Your son was struggling, both of you should have been supporting him, not you trying to act peacemaker (probably by getting your child to minimise his problems while you both tiptoe around your H?).

H deliberately committed an act of violence against the child. Was even in control enough to prevent himself hitting him full force which he knows would have looked bad and may have left an obvious visible mark.

You don't get a child to leave a room by tipping them out of a chair. You use your words and tell them to go to their room. If he'd landed, curled up, on his arse and at the wrong angle, he could have broken a bone in his spine.

This is a turning point in your child's life. Even at 6 he knows deep down inside that this is wrong. Are you going to validate his instincts and teach him to advocate for himself, or dismiss them and teach him to tolerate abuse? What sort of father do you want him to grow up to be? Right here is your chance to break the generational trauma of abuse or pass it along to the next generation. Which are you going to pick?

I didn’t know you went to counselling. Your previous posts alluded to the fact he would never consider it. I hope you come to some kind of solution

This is a dangerous situation. Your child could end up badly injured with your husband facing prosecution for assault. You cant ignore this.

The dictionary definitions just prove that "hurl" was inaccurate. Obviously it was a bad and wrong thing to do, but he did not use "great force" or "throw down with violence". (He relied on gravity.) No need to over-dramatise and make a bad situation out to be even worse than it is.

I didn’t say it was. I have not defended your husbands actions. If I say no to the kids I expect my husband to stand by that decision. If he cuts across me it then makes me the bad guy & undermines my authority. It’s not as trivial as you think it is, it’s not just it’s only a pudding. It’s the message you’re sending to the kids. When you do that you’ve literally pitted yourself against your partner & you’ve shown your kids that the other parent is unreasonable. So when I state there is a lack of respect shown also by you that’s what I mean & funnily exactly how your husband said it made him feel because that’s exactly how I saw it to.

your husband is also not being respectful. Leaving you with all the mental load despite you working full time isn’t fair either. How can there be a compromise if he doesn’t understand how much the ND affects your son out the house, if your son is struggling at school with friends then he probably needs home to be more of a place of calm.

"He relied on gravity" sounds very similar to "i didnt punch her, she moved her face quickly towards my outstretched fist"

Tbf, an adult violently tipping their 6 year old child off a chair on to a concrete floor, after making a move to hit them, doesn't need to be over-dramatised.

It doesn’t sound at all similar to me. Obviously deliberately tipping the chair means he was responsible for what ensued.

I agree it doesn’t need to be over-dramatised, because it’s bad enough without that. That’s exactly why it shouldn’t be over-dramatised.

If he’s as unhappy as frequently dysregulated as he sounds, then it’s very probable that he DOES need them. He just can’t have them, because his father is a pathetic bigot who values his vanity over his son’s wellbeing.

Hi OP, im not sure this board is that helpful or supportive now. there are lots of people pushing their own agenda and just lashing out. It does sound from what youve said that your relationship with your DH is extremely tense. Can you read through the quiz on womens aid site to find out if you are experiencing abuse, as youve mentioned him trying to blame you for things, his lack of self awareness, and the bit about his lack of empathy over your miscarriage struck a chord........ If he is inclined towards emotional abuse of you (disrespect, silent treatment, the idea that you are mostly the one whose fault it is that things are not working) they say you should not go to couples or joint counselling.

I think you did the right thing phoning family advice and emailing school. I hope they can suggest some way your DH can learn how to adapt to DS1s diagnosis now to help lay the foundations for a less fraught future.

Im so sorry about your miscarriage and its easier to understand how things have got to this very strained situation with your DH. You must be feeling very alone. Im wondering if you can access any personal counselling through your work EAP? It might be able to be done in work time (i had this)

She did say that but then responded to me they had done counselling. Did you get the impression he refused any intervention because I’m now confused.

when DS1 landed on the floor and H was stood up with the chair in his hands - i jumped up and went to scoop up DS1 as i was geniunely worried fo his safety and i was shouting "what the hell are you doing H" and DS1 was crying and saying "mummy go go go i want to leave i want to leave" and i turned to see DS2 (who is 4) with his hands over his ears and his eyes shut. it was all so horrible.

Yeah I don't think anything about this scene needs to be overdramatized - or treated as if it was a parenting dispute about pudding. This is a horrible environment for both children. I'm not sure where the OP goes from here but she needs serious professional help and she needs to report this incident to someone - even her GP.

It is a shame her husband accepts no responsibility, refuses to compromise, and is beginning to resort to violence. It won't get better without some serious intervention - if then. OP's priority should be the safety of her children - both of them. I suggest she reads again the posts from a couple of people who grew up with fathers like that.

The mom has said he doesn’t need them. Not me

It sounds like youve done everything you can to make things better. Couples therapy, going to meetings about your sons diagnosis and trying to learn but the fact is that he doesn’t see any issues or want to change anything.

You can try all you want but if you’re continuously met with resistance and denial you’re fighting a losing battle.

So even without the DS stuff they think he is a nightmare - that tells you something

and is he dependable can you ever depend on him because nothing you have said shows you csn

OP your gut is right. This IS critical and your son ISN'T safe with him.

The charity talk line person, was perhaps trying to be balanced but this IS not a nice or safe environment for your little boys.

You have tried to engage him. He's stopped going to senco meetings. He didn't engage emotionally with couples counselling. It's a two way street you can't magic everything better if he can't admit it's broken and want to be a better partner and parent. 😢

Don't let this situation continue.

I'm glad you have emailed the school. Did you tell them plainly what he had done? I hope so. It needs to be on record. 😔

I’m aware, but I’m suggesting she might be mistaken about that. For decades autistic kids didn’t have their needs met, were shamed and punished for being autistic and learned how to stuff down their distress because they had no chance of being given the support they needed to be happy. OP’s DH seems to favour a throwback to that approach for his son - and while I think OP is doing a magnificent job of trying to mitigate the corrosive effects of that attitude, she can’t work miracles. The child knows full well that his natural way of being is disgusting to his father.

Youre saying the situation doesn't need to be overdramatised by use of a word you feel has been used incorrectly.

Im saying it doesn't need to be overdramatised because its already horrific.

You saying he relied on gravity feels like something Saul Goodman would say.

So imo your whole post just feels a bit "be fair, he wasn't too violent".

Which is a bit off i think.

Yeah I get you. However, the school have also seemed to have conceded he didn’t need them either if I remember the post correctly