Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

This is a little kid we're talking about. Why deliberately choose to make his life harder? I know he doesn't need ear defenders now but dad didn't know that would happen he was just embarrassed to be seen in public.

She has reported me 😂😂 I read it back several times thinking of what evil I wrote but no she’s just doesn’t like opposing views

Your husband is a shitty Father. I'd have asked him to leave that night. I wouldn't have stayed quiet. I wouldn't let him eat with my son, as he can't control himself and his own meltdowns. He should eat alone.

Or, choice 3: they both take parenting courses and couples counselling together

Except from the OP, it sounds neither that the father 'lifted up' the chair or 'hurled' the boy to the floor

Fml pp still apologising for the arsehole husband. Op also thinks her marriage is in a bad place and is struggling to deal with the challenges asd brings but you don't see her throwing the kid to the floor and then thinking she hasn't done anything wrong.
Anyone really struggling and doing this as a one off would be absolutely mortified, he isn't.

I doubt it. She'd be generally mollycoddled but with a few ascerbic comments about her DP failing to step up to the plate and how that brought this all on...

If you were in a happy marriage and this was a one-off, and your husband agreed that his behaviour was out of line and he needed help managing that understandable frustrations of parenting a child with additional needs, I'd maybe have a different view...

...but everything you've written makes me think that you need to remove your child from his direct influence.

It really doesn't matter if a child of ANY age doesn't fancy their chicken one night. My 17-year old neurotypical kid will sometimes prod at his suspiciously and not eat it. The world will not end, the battle of wills is unnecessary, and the physical anger even less so. That your husband cannot see this, and gets so mad that he tries to hurt his own child, that he cannot see that he is an adult that can regulate his emotions, and his son is a child that cannot, with the added layer of a neurodivergence on top of that... The man's a cunt.

You are not too soft on your children. You are doing what all parents do - picking your battles. I really relate to lots in your post because when I met my husband, he was very rigid and picked ALLLLLLLL the battles with my son/his step-son. It was vile. But - my husband very quickly adapted, and much faster than the 6 years your husband has had.

It's not even as if you like the man and you DON'T have a happy family unit so what is there to save?

He is 6 & already doesn’t need them. How is that not a big win. Why keep him dependent & hold back his progress?

Imagine defending an adult threatening violence, then actually being physically violent to a 6 year old who was curled up in a ball crying at the time 🙃

This seems impossible choice for some. I’ve noticed on other posts that people are very quick to want to destroy marriages.

@NoisyViewer The point is husband didn't know he would be ok he just unilaterally vetoed the idea because he didn't want him out in public wearing them.
He hasn't got that child's interests at heart just his own.

Your husband is abusive and this is a safeguarding issue. Husband needs to leave, or you need to remove your son from this house before social services do.

Well, maybe it's because you're one of the "goady menz activists" who have now apparently come onto this thread

Exactly this. It's like kicking a puppy.

The power imbalance is vast, between a grown adult and a child. Both physical power, and emotional. I don't care how angry someone is, or how enraging the child has been, if you can't stop yourself in the moment and knowingly choose to leverage your power to hurt them...

It honestly makes me feel physically sick. I know that sounds really dramatic, and I don't think I'm a drama llama, but if I imagine a 6-year old curled on a chair crying and a grown man calculatedly pushing that chair over in temper - it makes me feel sick, and that man would be out of the house.

No advice except it seems to me that you’re the only one holding the family together and being a responsible adult.

You’re torn about what to do here, and so the weight of the decision is 100% on you. That’s just not on. And I bet it’s like that all the time.

So my question for you is how are you coping with all of this? It sounds horribly difficult being the only one thinking rationally.

Id encourage you to offload some of the burden onto your husband. He is an adult and you shouldn’t have to manage his behaviour and emotions.

Ask him what HE is planning on doing to improve the situation. What’s his plan? He can’t just blame you HE needs to reflect on the fact he has pushed his child onto concrete from a height and come up with a plan to stop that happening in the future. And that plan involves HIM moderating HIS emotions and HIS conduct.

Tell him you want a written plan of what he is going to do.

Posters don’t destroy marriages

he has and will with his inability to adapt and learn what he needs to do for his son

not what I said & I was quite clear I was not just on about this post. Wanting doesn’t mean doing

I've noticed that some people are quick to accept any kind of poor behaviour to uphold the sanctity of marriage - when marriage is supposed to be a partnership and the OP is the only grown up in her house, when marriage is supposed to be a bond of love and connection, and they've slept in separate beds for years.

What, exactly, is worth working on? Her husband would be happier in a marriage where he can control everyone's behaviour and they just nod and eat their chicken, she would be happier in a marriage with someone more flexible, who she loves and respects.

😂😂 my husband would say differently.

Respect. There’s no respect either way, she undermines him & he doesn’t help with added responsibility of having a ND kid. You don’t have to lose your temper over a chicken nugget. However, you don’t have to reward not eating dinner with a pudding either.

But what do you do if that isn't an option? We went to couples counselling and he refused to talk about himself or his childhood and just focussed on all the practical stuff i do wrong that enrages him - leaving a mess, being too soft with the kids, not respecting the things he does round the house etc - which i listened to and tried to find practical ways to improve. But it was v one sided. I remember one moment when i started crying about a recent miscarriage and he just sat there staring at me and said "i don't understand how we got on this topic". it was a complete waste of money and time and didn't resolve anything.

that's basically word for word what H said in the aftermath last night. "sure, what happened wasn't ideal and i didn't mean for him to end up on the floor like that, but you give him puddings too easily". I found it utterly confusing - giving puddings too easily - that feels like normal parenting stuff - throwing your kid on the floor is not normal parenting stuff. they are not comparable.

He picked his child up in his chair and deliberately dropped the chair so that the child fell onto a concrete floor. You think that is exercising self control? Jesus fucking wept.

as in giving a pudding too easily might not be ideal and i am all up for listening to ppl who think i sound too soft. but giving puddings too easily is NOT the same as losing your rag with a kid so bad they end up a heap on the floor