Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Yes. "Listen little boy, if you try to hit someone then a full grown man will hit you harder." Thankfully in most countries, this is illegal.

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

They walk among us 😵‍💫

No very bright are you?

OP, have you spoke to your family/friends about any of this (the incident or your partner’s behaviour generally)? What do they make of it? Do you have someone who could support you?

It might get him a marginally lower sentence on an assault charge but it wouldn't stop a guilty verdict.

From your updates OP, it seems to me that your husband has lost his temper and physically hurt your son, more than just this once. This incident might be the only one you have witnessed, but your son wasn't saying 'weird stuff', he was telling you, that this wasn't the first time and that he's scared of his Dad. You need to listen. You aren't always at home, so you don't know how your husband is behaving towards your eldest, when you're not there. Yes, I think your husband is likely ND. However, that doesn't excuse his behaviour, he's the adult and should have walked away. I don't think your husband accepts your son's diagnosis at all, I believe he thinks your son is deliberately manipulative and you are simply pandering to a naughty child. If your husband can't accept his own son's diagnosis, then he's never ever going to accept he is the same. Your husband wants to control...he refuses to see your point of view. He refuses to compromise because he believes he's right, and his way is the only way. He won't engage with attending courses, professionals or the school. He takes no responsibility for his behaviour, tries to justify it by blaming a 6 year old and is minimising it too. You can't control your husband's behaviour and you most definitely can't change it. I can't see your husband suddenly engaging with SS or anyone to be honest. You have to prioritise your children, that means reporting the incident yourself to the school or SS.

Say we are dealing with a legal assault the mitigating factor would not in any way counter what he did which was a clear and thought through assault

Mitigating factors only go so far plus he is undiagnosed so we have no idea what if anything he has that could be seen as a mitigating factor

And yet, the father has managed to go through life without being violent so far AND exercised self control by not going through with hitting the child.

But the father is an adult and needs to behave like one. He cannot strike or abuse a 6 year old boy. If he has so much trouble controlling his violence that he may hurt his child, autism or not, he needs to remove himself from the home until he is a safe person to be around his child.

To repeat, violence committed by a child can use autism as a mitigating factor. Grown adults cannot use autism as a mitigating factor to avoid responsibility for committing any abuses.

-They asked "how is the relationship btw the two of you" - i said "not good. we sleep in separate beds and we aren't loving to each other" and she said "well, that may also be contributing to XX's reaching boiling point, rather than just DS behaviour, it may also be that he is stressed about his marriage"-

Yeh. Maybe he stressed.
But does not justify tipping a child onto floor then blaming the child and op.
Separation might be best all round.

Very much agree

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s all so
easy for people to say leave like there aren’t other factors involved. What he did wouldn’t warrant a no contact either. You’d have to prove the impossible that he didn’t realise DS wasn’t in a ball & thought he’d slide off the chair. There is no proof any intent to hurt your son. Especially when no other significant event has happened before.

i agree with the charity about your marriage, I think it’s more of a lack of communication between the 2 of you that’s the main catalyst. Your son demands probably adds to the stress but if you where a united front with a compromise of rules you’d be a team facing the challenges of parenting, which is hard when ND isn’t an issue.

i think you need to address this, get counselling & all this can be discussed in a calm manner with a mediator.

Where I live there's a four to five year waiting list for adult ASD assessment. Unless OP and her husband can afford a private assessment today pay may be not be possible to get done quickly.

Accepting help around parenting and the needs or ND children is reasonable - though again here the programme we went on is no longer funded and ended this year. Don't overestimate what's available.

Thank you for this (much slated and piled on) post

.

Has anyone said it's 'acceptable'? The most we seem to have is a comment that the father seems to be at the end of his tether

Do you have children?

Omg you really dont understand do you.

Then they are incompetent. Hopefully school has responded appropriately.

My god. My blood ran cold reading this OP. I have a 6yr old and the thought of either of us lifting his chair to push him to the ground, it gives me a pit in my stomach. This is utterly horrifying.

If your DS fell in a way that broke something, and you went to hospital, you'd be in a position whether you either need to lie and say something else happened, or tell the truth and it's likely they would implement your husband having no unsupervised contact with his children while a formal assessment is carried out. School would be informed. Your DH would likely be expected to attend parenting or anger management classes. Professionals would step in and try to safeguard your children.

You can't possibly continue sharing a home and life and bed with a man capable of this.

I have ND in my family. Quite prevalent in fact. I suspect my daughter is. Sensory issues, doesn’t the feel of creams or make up, clothes have to be of a certain fabric. Hates loud music & until recently massively struggled with friends. I have nephews, my brother & 2 mates with non verbal boys. I know the advice is pretty universal, which is basically interpreted as they can’t help it & you must understand, where the line between what’s bad behaviour & that of what they can’t help is muddied. As you say they’re ND but they’re still children learning the ways of world. As a parent it’s your duty to prepare them for it. Life is harder but you can still have boundaries & face consequences, because that’s life. Everyone has a boundary & every interaction they’ll ever have will see consequences. If they aren’t taught that & grow up in an environment that solely caters for their needs you’re setting them up for failure. Thats not me being mean, it’s being real.

Why?

I can see what you are saying I just don’t think having to eat chicken because the cook cannot cope with you saying no is one of those boundaries

@NoisyViewer - I agree with much of what you say here. Maybe this supportive post can get reported too bigboykitty!