Page 24 | Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Spiderwoman123 · 2025-12-03T19:21:19+00:00

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way. H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting! Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room Pls tell me what to do

Breadandbutta · 04/12/2025 13:27

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 12:05

I held him to no higher standard. In fact I held him to the same standard as every other 6yo in the country. He didn’t want the nuggets but wanted the dessert. Dad didn’t want to give him dessert, mom did. If im holding anyone up to any standards it’s mom & dad.

this boy isn’t in the region of non verbal or lacks understanding of right or wrong as he clearly knows the difference. Hence there should be some boundaries

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Just because a child is verbal, it does not mean their life and ability to cope is not hugely impacted by being autistic. You are approaching these mealtime rules from a neurodivergent mindset, based on social rules within society. Social rules are hard for autistic children to understand regardless of whether they are verbal or if he understands right/wrong? It's all food. Who says is right to have to eat a certain amount before you can have pudding anyway? It's all a social construct. There is nothing right or wrong about food.

This is why ND families get so judged and have a really hard time... "Oh look at that parent of that misbehaving child, if only they put in a few boundaries, then they'd know to just quietly sit and eat their food" ... Massive misunderstanding of the challenges of parenting ND children.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 04/12/2025 13:29

NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 11:55

My DF was like this unfortunately. It can definitely be a feature of undiagnosed ASD. Everything was always someone else's fault as they simply cannot bear that they might be in the wrong at all, to the point where they twist reality to suit their own version of events where they are the innocent party. It was very exhausting growing up with a parent like this. Numerous examples include being blamed as a 6 year old for having my fingers trampled by my dad when he stepped on them (he did a lot of things like this as he struggles with proprioception) simply because they were "in the way" rather than he should have just been looking where he was going. I've lost count of the amount of times I would get my fingers trapped in car doors or the front door etc when I was little as my dad didn't look properly when shutting doors etc. Again it would all be my fault and I would get shouted at.

One of the worst times (I don't remember this but have been told the story by my grandmother) was when I was a baby and my dad was looking after me while my mum was in work. He made me soup but forgot to check if it was cooled before giving me a spoonful. Unsurprisingly it burnt my mouth badly and I must have been screaming the house down. My dad then phoned my mum in work and said "NimbleDreamer has burnt her mouth on some soup and it's all YOUR fault!". How he came to that conclusion I have no idea. My mum then told him to take me to my grandmother's house so she could look after me instead.

People like this rarely change especially if they won't accept that there is anything wrong with them and that they are always in the right.

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It sounds like your dad was a Narcissist, as in a proper personality disorder rather than the way it's bandied around now. Mine was a Narcissist too and I recognise all that. He smashed the entire house up with a sledge hammer and blamed 4 year old me.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 13:37

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 03/12/2025 22:47

I am certainly not saying 'look what you made your husband do'. That is very much manipulating the narrative.
I am not saying which parent is right or wrong here; that has been your assumption and very quickly on the defensive.
Children need to see both parents as equal and that they stand united in their decision making within the family unit.
Conflict between you and your husbands parenting style will most definitely be noticeable to your children even at this young age and it is very damaging/confusing for them. It is apparent from your responses so far within your posts that you and your husband are on totally separate pages parenting wise which is not healthy all round.

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Your user name is very appropriate.

Wtfdoidoplease · 04/12/2025 13:43

Well done for telling the school, OP. I don’t know you and yet I feel proud of you

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 04/12/2025 13:45

Missed your update OP well done for reporting. Makes my original post useless thank goodness!

AlwaysUp · 04/12/2025 13:46

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 12:35

@AlwaysUp i gave details as I was trying to explain exactly what happened in front of me - to try and get some perspective.

I have lost respect for my H over the last couple of years because i am so alone in all of this. And i have tried for so long to get him to engage with the ASD and how to adapt parenting. But I want it to work. I want to be a happy family of coures i do. But there is only so much i can cope with. And last night - i started to think that actually maybe DS1 isn't safe with him and so H refusing to engage/support is becoming not just annoying - but critical.

You should not have to paint a picture to convince others online or yourself whether the chair incident was physical abuse or not. It happened it front of you. It was physical. That is enough to come to a clear conclusion. My concern is the roundabout way you are trying to convince yourself and us of it. SS and school aren’t the magical solution you are looking for - most times they make a situation more confusing and stressful. They usually work best in situations where any kind of abuse has been extreme and long running. Honestly, I am not trying to say your situation is not significant or serious but it is a bit blurry and it won’t be a case where they say: ok, police come over, take DH and you wont ever have to have contact with him. I feel like you are looking for that kind of instantaneous change because you are clearly overwhelmed and at crises point. You have the power to make the most change: ask him to leave for a few weeks, see if your day to day is more stable, happier and your child stops making comments…that will show you what’s really going on in your home better than forms, labels. If you are not happy with him, you do not need any incidents to leave him. The best way to protect your child is to make sure you are at your best. If your DH is not helping you to be your best, then that is enough to leave and your child will benefit from that alone. E.g my DH is not perfect and in fact sometimes things he says is within the definition of emotional abuse - these are rare moments in his darkest times. I recognise them for those because they are just blips…..most times though, I am grateful he is here to help me, console me, bring up our children together and share life burdens and good moments with me. Not that I could not do it all on my own. BUT it is better with him. OP, whatever happens now that you have started getting organisations involved, be honest and don’t get confined within definitions and society standards. Society standard is: your wife or husband never raises their voice, never says a bad word, never shows anger to anyone including children. Anger is also an emotion. Hate is an emotion. Love is an emotion. Some people are more naturally predisposed to them. We just need to teach how to manage them better that it does not get to the extreme situations where it physically
manifests. The people around us who care about us are also obligated to help us manage and not let it get there. What’s the point of being married if I did everything myself just because I am an adult? E.g I have real mood issues during my period. DP asks me where the pen is and I answer ‘Can you not figure it out yourself? Do I have to do everything in this house?’….point is I don’t actually do everything in this house and 5 minutes earlier I asked him to make me a cup of coffee! Which he did! He did not turn around throw it in my face just got on with looking for the pen. By not saying anything he stopped me from saying anything worse or heightening my already bad mood. Eventually I asked him did you find it? He said no, so I helped him. That was how I made up for it. Give and take. If people only saw that bit of me…they’d think I was emotionally abusive. He should leave me. If I was so awful to DH, what must I be saying to my kids. Well, during those moods my DD just looks at my face and says ‘uh oh are you ok? You look realllly mad!’ And I respond ‘I am on my period, I am sooo mad for no reason. It’s best you don’t ask me anything’ what is unsaid is obviously come if it is an emergency or go to your dad - which she knows. 10 minutes later ‘DD do you want a snack? I’m craving Buldak….’.

God, life so hard. Hope things go well for but mostly your DS. Kids are hard and need our help especially when everything in their environment works against them and abuse is never good or ok but these days anything bad or negative will fit into the definition of abuse.

Before anyone comes for me: I have cyclical depression, had PND, years of CBT, been involved with SS and seen SS/schools in action with other families (translating role). Most of their help is we will refer you to this and that, send this link. You have to make him/her leave…and my favourite: there are
families in worse situation. So, not just mindlessly saying things. OP, you have the power of freedom to make choices. Sit him down. Tell him what kind of father you picture him to be. What kind of husband you picture him to be. He is not doing great to make you happy. He is becoming progressively abusive. Ask him does he want to stay and continue building a life with you and the kids? If so, real changes need to happen on day to day basis. Ask him how you can help him become the man you know he wants to be? The father he wants to be…and then listen. Then tell him how you will help him day to day to be that man. And lay your demands on how he needs to help you to be the wife he needs, the mother his kids need. Why are you only offering to cook? Say no, I will cook from now on to give you a break and therefore if DS does not eat this or that, it won’t be a problem as you did not tirelessly cook. Maybe he just wants you to insist? People have all weird quirks and personality traits - giving into the harmless ones is a win not a loss. I’ll insists 5 times if that is what gets his rocks off…lol.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 13:49

Rosealea · 03/12/2025 23:26

You really don't like your husband very much, do you?

What is truly worrying me is that you are using your child and this situation as a way to get at your husband and possibly end your marriage.

Undoubtedly your reaction to what happened escalated the situation considerably. If you were on good terms with your husband you would have handled it differently and the impact on both of your children would have been less. I am not saying sweep it under the carpet and I'm not saying for a second that what happened tonight was acceptable but as ever there are three sides to every story.

If you are as an adult done with your marriage then take responsibility for saying that. I don't think your husband could do anything to please you anymore even if he was parent of the year, you still wouldn't be happy with him.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and own it. Don't use your child as an excuse and get others to do the dirty work for you in order to escape responsibility and blame for breaking up the family. You seem to want your husband to be the villan and you to be the martyr/model parent.

😱

lessglittermoremud · 04/12/2025 13:49

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 12:35

@AlwaysUp i gave details as I was trying to explain exactly what happened in front of me - to try and get some perspective.

I have lost respect for my H over the last couple of years because i am so alone in all of this. And i have tried for so long to get him to engage with the ASD and how to adapt parenting. But I want it to work. I want to be a happy family of coures i do. But there is only so much i can cope with. And last night - i started to think that actually maybe DS1 isn't safe with him and so H refusing to engage/support is becoming not just annoying - but critical.

You can only be a happy family with a partner who is willing to put the same level of work and commitment in.
Nothing you have said in your updates makes me believe he will suddenly sign on for courses etc when you have previously kept asking.
Parenting any children is tricky especially if you have different ways to parent but are neurodiversity into the mix and it’s a super challenging.
I have been in your shoes to some extent, although no physical altercations. If my DH hadn’t got advise, spoken to my child’s team and really took on board their advise, I wouldn’t have stayed because his way of parenting initially made everything harder, and it was impacting everyone including our other children.
We are mostly a ‘happy family’ now, I still on occasion groan when my DH reverts back a little in the heat of the moment and the ‘why cant you just do as your told attitude’ rears his head.
The biggest difference is my DH knew he was getting it ‘wrong’ and most importantly loves his children enough to put his hands up and say it and change things.
I probably love him more for it, instead of less of him. We are all human and I think men are pretty rubbish at admitting they are wrong or need help in general, but there was no way I could have stayed if things had continued, I would have ended up hating him.

NoNewsisGood · 04/12/2025 13:50

Auhdandme · 03/12/2025 19:26

Has your husband been diagnosed? He sound autistic too.... in reference to resisting adapting and inflexible.

Honestly if this was just a one off then I'd not do anything aside from getting both to apolgise to each other . Sounds like they both need support regulating themselves in stressfull situations.

This

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 13:51

Grammarnut · 03/12/2025 23:29

No she should not leave. Everyone got a bit fraught. Adult got very irritated and reacted to child attempting to hit him - which is not on. Adult said sorry, didn't mean it, but child needs to leave the room (seems reasonable). Everyone reset, start again. Adult probably on spectrum - most of us are. But frustration with an awkward DS is likely to end with friction whoever you are - we are not all paragons of patience and love.

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Genuine question. How would you react to a 6 year old child trying to hit you?

Thecowardlydonkey · 04/12/2025 13:52

At the very least your DH needs to leave until he can address his anger issues and demonstrate he is safe to be around the DC. Your DS asked you if that is just what some Dads do. Do you really want him to see that there are no consequences to this? Is sounds like your home would be much more calm and peaceful, not to mention safe, if your DH was not there.

Caterpillar1 · 04/12/2025 13:55

OP, any family, your parents, his parents, what do they say about your DH and his attitude to DS? Sometimes it's difficult to decide what to do on your own. Could some relatives talk to your DH perhaps? He'll probably not listen to you, but might take more attention if given no choice (e.g. if SS is involved, he'd probably have to do some parenting course, and that might help him see things in a different light, as he seems to be in denial). Ask your relative to calmly explain these matters to him.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 04/12/2025 13:59

Grammarnut · 03/12/2025 23:29

No she should not leave. Everyone got a bit fraught. Adult got very irritated and reacted to child attempting to hit him - which is not on. Adult said sorry, didn't mean it, but child needs to leave the room (seems reasonable). Everyone reset, start again. Adult probably on spectrum - most of us are. But frustration with an awkward DS is likely to end with friction whoever you are - we are not all paragons of patience and love.

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The father lifted his hand to hit his 6-year old, thought better of it (almost certainly because he realised his wife was watching), then picked up the child in his chair and deliberately tipped the chair so the child fell onto a concrete floor? A bit fucking fraught? Are you serious?

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:01

Livelovebehappy · 04/12/2025 00:21

It’s not scaremongering. It’s reality. And totally unnecessary to involve them in this situation, because all OP has to do is to leave him, or ask him to leave. Which is what social services will ultimately do anyway, difference being they would be in control of the situation rather than OP. The only issue might be if her dh then contests custody, but tbh it seems unlikely as he doesn’t seem to like his ds, so I’m guessing wouldn’t fight OP for custody or for access.

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Difference being it would be recorded. Which it should be.

NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 14:08

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:06

That advice from the charity is unbelievable. Im really shocked.

Me too.

"Focus on your relationship" so once again try and appease a violent man rather than making your abused kids the priority.

Absolutely shocking.

Original poster

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:09

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:03

She’s told some charity a sanitized version of events. And is going to carry on , until the next assault.

Poor children

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I absolutely did not. I told them what it in my OP. I told them my H threw my 6 year old off a chair onto a hard floor because they had a fight over chicken nugget. Those words. Simple as.

OP posts:

Lulusept22 · 04/12/2025 14:09

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 20:09

I just to get rid of this idea that we live with a violent child. He is inflexible, he tries to boss ppl around, and v occasionally he hits. But wr aren't living in some house of terror. DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken. DS eats at the table. He eats his veggies. He struggles when he thinks a food is different.

The hitting is 100% unacceptable on DS part. He knows that. And the techniques taught by the school have really helped.

H got wound up instantly when DS said "i dont like the chicken it looks different to normal"...like H is bloody Gordon Ramsey and cooked it for hours. It was some chicken nuggets FFS.

I agree with everything ppl have said about how tough it is living with ASD kid. I guess I would be more sympathetic if it wssnt for fact its been me that has done every bloody course, filled in every form, deals with every meltdown, been to every school meeting so I dont feel particularly sympathetic to H right now.

And by the way I work much longer hours than H and am responsible for all the bills so its not like I took that all on because I have more time. I habe less time

I feel furious in all honesty. But I can see maybe im now the one feeling emotional!

I really feel for you on a lot of these replies (a lot are overly harsh). He is 6 and ND and so might occasionally hit. Ok, fine… he’s not some monster! And your husband lost it, that does not mean he is abusive! But he does need to recognise that it’s not OK and shouldn’t be happening. If he’s angry, he should walk away.

In the families all know it’s often the woman doing the research, courses, etc so end up with better coping strategies. It should be normal that it’s one sided but it sadly open is.

I’m not sure how you can help him to recognise that he needs help

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 14:13

I'm really surprised by some of the answers on here. The assault as described could very easily have resulted in a broken arm or a fractured skull, it's simply unacceptable whatever else was going on around the outside of it all. This child is not safe with his father.

Good luck OP, I hope you get an acceptable outcome, whatever it is.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:14

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:43

The thing with kids and behaviour/boundaries, is mum and dad must appear consistent/on the same page.

If you don't kids learn from an early age who is "soft" on x or y, and they will adapt behaviour accordingly, it leads to boundaries not being firm because each parent undermines the other parent.

Children need to see mum and dad as in charge, in control, responsible. It makes them feel safe & secure. Mum and dad taking different positions is confusing for them and on a basic level increases anxiety.

Your DH reaction today was unreasonable, he's obviously lost control but you need to work together on this.

Agree some ground rules. Don't give puddings to a child who hasn't eaten any healthy food (or they will simply try to live off pudding) but agree some compromises like smaller portions and every meal including safe foods.

Agree it together and both stick to it as parents and be a team. Your kids need to see you as united, as fair and consistent with clear boundaries.

This is why so much child abuse goes unreported. The non abusive parent allowing abuse so they can be "on the same page" as the abusive one. You should be ashamed of yourself.

NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 14:14

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:09

I absolutely did not. I told them what it in my OP. I told them my H threw my 6 year old off a chair onto a hard floor because they had a fight over chicken nugget. Those words. Simple as.

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They did not "have a fight over chicken nuggets". Your DS didn't want to eat them as he struggles with chicken due to his ASD, and your DH responded by throwing a strop, went to hit your DC, then decided to throw him off his chair instead.

I do question what you may have told the charity now if you're framing the incident as a "fight over chicken nuggets".

Original poster

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:16

I have called for advice - they did tell me it was serious - and of course it is and they advised telling the school. But they also gave me lots of advice that mirrors what people have said about the stresses of looking after ASD children and do me and H work as team and if we want to stay together we need to focus on the rleationship, and that all parents do things they aren't proud of etc. I'm just telling you what they said. I didn't sugar coat antyhin to them.. What would be the point of me sugarcoating when it's an anonymous phone line? I am telling the truth as accurately as I possibly can to this forum, to the advice line and to the school. My H is angry, shouts, and yesterday it turned physical, he struggles with our ASD son, and while he is affectionate and dependable in many ways - our home has become dysfucntional. I am trying so hard to do everything right. But being told that I am not telling the truth to the chairty becuase people don't like the advice i was given is just incorrect. what you have read here is what I told the charity @Donttellempike

OP posts:

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:16

HC1ps · 04/12/2025 06:51

You do need to get help if you’re feeling sick, some of the over dramatic responses need to be ignored and as others have said MN really is not the place to get help or advice anymore.

FWIW my child had an eating disorder for several years and we were told by all professionals that we had to take control of food and our child had to eat what we provided. It was crucial that we worked as a team. So clearly it is pointless turning to a forum like this to get help.

Go to the school. Ask for Early Help.We weren’t there, we only have your account and others dealing with your family will be best placed to provide support.

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No wonder they had an eating disorder. 😱

Megifer · 04/12/2025 14:17

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:09

I absolutely did not. I told them what it in my OP. I told them my H threw my 6 year old off a chair onto a hard floor because they had a fight over chicken nugget. Those words. Simple as.

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Its so bad that they suggested your relationship and DS behaviour was to blame for his dad being violent towards him.

I hope you complain, whoever advised you needs sacking as they are a liability.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:18

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:52

DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken.

As the person who was in your DH shoes doing most of the cooking - you need to step up and share the load on this. I had exactly the same reaction when the kids were rude about food I'd spent hours making. I needed DH to do more of the share of the cooking.

It helped massively. He put less effort in but this also meant he struggled less with the sense that the kids were ungrateful and it toned down the atmosphere, but he also started to understand how i felt, and as a result started to be more consistent about working with me on boundaries. It led to clear rules - the kids don't have to like or eat what has been cooked but they don't get to say its "disgusting" or be rude about it, because that it is hurtful to the person who has cooked it.

Is your DH getting a bit of death by a thousand cuts?

Chicken nuggets?

NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 14:18

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:16

I have called for advice - they did tell me it was serious - and of course it is and they advised telling the school. But they also gave me lots of advice that mirrors what people have said about the stresses of looking after ASD children and do me and H work as team and if we want to stay together we need to focus on the rleationship, and that all parents do things they aren't proud of etc. I'm just telling you what they said. I didn't sugar coat antyhin to them.. What would be the point of me sugarcoating when it's an anonymous phone line? I am telling the truth as accurately as I possibly can to this forum, to the advice line and to the school. My H is angry, shouts, and yesterday it turned physical, he struggles with our ASD son, and while he is affectionate and dependable in many ways - our home has become dysfucntional. I am trying so hard to do everything right. But being told that I am not telling the truth to the chairty becuase people don't like the advice i was given is just incorrect. what you have read here is what I told the charity @Donttellempike

The point is though your relationship is fucked because of your DH's attitude. The charity telling you that you need to be on the same page as parents is pointless because you have said yourself you have tried for years but your DH won't listen. What are you supposed to do with that? And now his behaviour has escalated and he has turned violent.

It's up to you what you do next but I know what I would do.