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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need people's views on what just happened in my home

919 replies

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:21

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 04/12/2025 12:35

@Spiderwoman123 please read @BagpussWasRight 's post and really, REALLY take it all in.

Original poster
Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 12:35

@AlwaysUp i gave details as I was trying to explain exactly what happened in front of me - to try and get some perspective.

I have lost respect for my H over the last couple of years because i am so alone in all of this. And i have tried for so long to get him to engage with the ASD and how to adapt parenting. But I want it to work. I want to be a happy family of coures i do. But there is only so much i can cope with. And last night - i started to think that actually maybe DS1 isn't safe with him and so H refusing to engage/support is becoming not just annoying - but critical.

OP posts:
Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 12:37

If she told the charity her partner threw his 6 year old son on a hard floor, that is a culmination of events and that that child is alluding to previous events.

That charity should be closed down . Big IF

HuskyNew · 04/12/2025 12:39

You don’t need the school or a charity to give you permission to leave him. Or anyone here.

YOU are responsible for building a life for yourself and your sons. The power is in your hands to allow this to continue or not.

if nothing changes, nothing change.

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 04/12/2025 12:41

@Spiderwoman123 you are right, there is only so much you can cope with. And there is only so much you can do. You can do NOTHING about your H's behaviour, and if he chooses not to improve it, or even to acknowledge it is wrong, then there is only one way to protect you and your DSs...

I know the confusion and the "what if I tried harder/tried this/talked to him again" and the desperate wish for a happy family. But you cannot make that happen on your own...and sometimes the most painful option is the best one for the long term. My DS (also neurodivergent) is thriving in our new home at his new school without his dad on his case 24/7. It has been far from easy getting to this point, but it is worth every second of the struggle to get here, I promise you.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 12:47

NoisyViewer · 03/12/2025 20:52

Not defending your husband but we’ve all done things as parents we regret. Let things cool down & tell him that it was out of order, emotions are to high now.

There’s an issue around dinner & I would say I do agree with your H when it comes to giving him treats after not eating. It’s not necessarily a ND trait to play up at dinner time especially when they know the thing they want to eat is on offer. you do need to be tougher. My daughter was a pain when it came to meal times at your son’s age only wanting to eat beige foods. I started doing her a few smiley faces with her dinner. Just a couple to make the dinner more appealing. The first thing it did was stop the full on strop when she came to the table. She could see something she would eat. I then would say there’d be nothing else unless she tried the other things. She’d pull a face but ultimately tried it. I think I did this for about 6 months & she switched. She started leaving the foods she preferred instead choosing to eat the food that would result in a treat. She went from picky to adventurous. She’ll try anything. My son is different because I didn’t make the same mistakes he actually prefers healthier foods. You and hubby need to have a plan & work together. Because at the minute it’s him against everyone else & even though his reaction was abhorrent I can see how frustrated he must feel. He isn’t wrong to try & get your son to eat better and show manners.

Being violent towards a child over a chicken nugget always works of course.

Driftingawaynow · 04/12/2025 12:48

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 12:22

I spoke to family advice charity this morning who were quite helpful. They told me i should focus on our relationship. I guess to that point of us being disconnected as parents is because we aren't connected as a couple. They did tell me on balance i should probably talk to school. They were concerned about clear preferential treatment of younger DS as highly damaging to DS1. But they also said what you guys have said about if it's one off - we all do things we regret - but it's about response afterwards. Will H accept help? SOmeone said he would listen to experts and not me - and that is totally right. If he did get on a course he would listen, but he won't listen to me.

I've emailed the school.

Just to clear things up about the cooking - I do offer to help with cooking a lot but H much rather he does it.

Hope you’re doing ok love. I want to say that my ex partner was very similar in terms of refusal to accept influence from anybody else, I now suspect like his son he is autistic with PDA profile. He wouldn’t and didn’t listen to anyone, not the police, CAFCASS, social services, gp, guardian, judges…it was impossible to coparent, he wanted me to shut up and do things his (disfunctional) way and watch my child be harmed. But because I have an internal moral compass like you do, I was unable to tolerate that and I defended my child and ultimately we split up because the alternative would have been totally unacceptable to me. Professionals who didn’t know us well berated me for not co parenting with him, but it’s not possible to cope parent with somebody who will not compromise. There is always one parent who is more attuned, clearly this is you. It’s an impossible situation. I think you need to be very clear indeed with professionals about what he has done, if you can make sure you handle things sensitively so that your son feels able to disclose to professionals, do some reading about that because it’s easy to accidentally put a spanner in the works. If you guys split up you are going to need this so that you can argue that he needs to complete some parenting training and not get hit with accusations of parental alienation.
and mentally shield yourself from the well-meaning but fucking stupid advice you are going to get rained down upon you. He is being controlling, unreasonable and agressive (this sadly is abusive, this is what it looks like) so being told to focus on the relationship is extremely unfair and will chip away at your self esteem because it’s setting you up to fail and feel responsible. Beware because there are well-meaning idiots everywhere. My heart actually hurts for you, I’m so familiar with the situation you are in and so sorry for you. you’re at risk of being gaslit by an entire system , be very careful who is advise you take and hang onto your critical thinking skills. You sound like a great mum.

Animatic · 04/12/2025 12:51

I don't think your husband has accepted the dx as accepting means adapting in the first place. His bevaviour is unacceptable and abusive, especially when it comes to parenting a ND child. I have one myself so i know how different it is to what is considered "normal".
"Tipping" a crying child off the chair and all over bloody chicken?!?! Seriously?!

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 12:55

Spookyspaghetti · 03/12/2025 21:12

If a man lifted a woman’s chair and threw her onto a concrete floor it would rightly be seen as highly abusive but because it was done to a defenceless child by their parent it deserves an eye roll? What makes it less serious, the child having SEN? It may currently be legal to smack a child but it is not legal to throw one across the room. Touching the chair rather than the child makes no difference imo except that maybe it was more calculated than the DH made out.

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It is illegal to smack a child in Wales and Scotland.

Animatic · 04/12/2025 12:57

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 20:11

The weaker parent? God that stings. Im following the advice given by the senco! I dont fuss over him. He gets the same food as everyone else. Just dont think too big a deal if he wont eat chicken. He was eating everything else on his plate.

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I don't understand this "eating what you are given" towards anyone let alone nd children with likely sensory issues present. I would hate if someone tried treating me like that. Why would i do it to anyone?

SparkleSpriteDust · 04/12/2025 12:58

I would leave with the dc or my husband would leave. Simple. He sounds vile.

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 12:59

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 12:22

I spoke to family advice charity this morning who were quite helpful. They told me i should focus on our relationship. I guess to that point of us being disconnected as parents is because we aren't connected as a couple. They did tell me on balance i should probably talk to school. They were concerned about clear preferential treatment of younger DS as highly damaging to DS1. But they also said what you guys have said about if it's one off - we all do things we regret - but it's about response afterwards. Will H accept help? SOmeone said he would listen to experts and not me - and that is totally right. If he did get on a course he would listen, but he won't listen to me.

I've emailed the school.

Just to clear things up about the cooking - I do offer to help with cooking a lot but H much rather he does it.

It’s not a one off. Your son is telling you that

Greenwitchart · 04/12/2025 13:01

I am always appalled at how some mothers try to justify their partner being violent towards their child.

There is no excuse or justification for what your husband did. Your responsibility is to protect your child not to enable a man who can't control his emotions.

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:03

Greenwitchart · 04/12/2025 13:01

I am always appalled at how some mothers try to justify their partner being violent towards their child.

There is no excuse or justification for what your husband did. Your responsibility is to protect your child not to enable a man who can't control his emotions.

She’s told some charity a sanitized version of events. And is going to carry on , until the next assault.

Poor children

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:06

That advice from the charity is unbelievable. Im really shocked.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 13:07

TonTonMacoute · 03/12/2025 21:56

Well, we only have your side of the story, and no one here knows any of you. There are people on here who get off on telling women that they are married to complete bastards, and they should leave.

This sounds like a very upsetting incident, but turn into Mumsnet for help is just going to wind everyone up.
Please try and find someone better for advice.

I'd say SS. The child needs protected.

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:13

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:06

That advice from the charity is unbelievable. Im really shocked.

Depends what they were told

cestlavielife · 04/12/2025 13:14

they told me i should focus on our relationship

Oh dear.
Focus on your children
You cannnot alter your dh behaviour by focusing on him
He has serious issues viz a viz his son and fixing the maritalrelationship will not change that

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:15

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:03

She’s told some charity a sanitized version of events. And is going to carry on , until the next assault.

Poor children

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I cant get over this alleged charity suggesting lack of a loving relationship may have caused this amd they are playing at armchair psychology when a child's safety is at risk. It sounds like something Dear Deidre would come out with.

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:17

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:15

I cant get over this alleged charity suggesting lack of a loving relationship may have caused this amd they are playing at armchair psychology when a child's safety is at risk. It sounds like something Dear Deidre would come out with.

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She probably said something like a one off loss of temper by DH.

She’s referred to a one off here. And her son is clearly telling her other stuff is going on.

None so blind …

SecretSquirrelLoo · 04/12/2025 13:17

Would you find it easier to parent without DH? If so, get him to move out.

BashfulClam · 04/12/2025 13:17

What just happened is that your husband assaulted your child and you haven’t left or told him to get the fuck out until he learns to control himself. I grew up with a verbally abusive parent and it has left an impact on both me and my brother and has ruined a lot of our life. You are letting that happen!!!

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 13:18

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 03/12/2025 22:35

I think the biggest issue here is you and your husband do not stand united as parents and have completely different views on how to manage your son's behaviour.
If you cannot agree that between yourselves you are undermining each other in front of the children and that is very damaging in itself.
You are making the situation far worse and are subconsciously a catalyst in all of this. No wonder your son is confused!
Either learn how to parent together or you need to separate. Your situation will become a million times worse though if the rules are very different from mummy's house to daddy's if you separate and try to co-parent.

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Awful post.

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:21

BashfulClam · 04/12/2025 13:17

What just happened is that your husband assaulted your child and you haven’t left or told him to get the fuck out until he learns to control himself. I grew up with a verbally abusive parent and it has left an impact on both me and my brother and has ruined a lot of our life. You are letting that happen!!!

But seeking validation for that lack of action. She should not need to ask a bunch of strangers if it’s ok what her son is being subjected to.

It is really upsetting

Megifer · 04/12/2025 13:22

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 13:17

She probably said something like a one off loss of temper by DH.

She’s referred to a one off here. And her son is clearly telling her other stuff is going on.

None so blind …

Show quote history

I actually hope youre right, it wont help this lad but the thought theres a family charity out there advising others to focus on their relationship after a dad has been violent towards his child is really disturbing.