Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Lots of people snaps at some point. They may even over react, tip him off the chair not realising that he was in a ball and not land on his feet. If that happened, then he'd immediately apologize to your son and truly be very sorry for hurting him. He would comfort his son and tell him how much he loves him.
Your husband is clearly not sorry at all.
"Look at what you made me do". Absolutely unacceptable - he chose to act this way.
Your son is telling you he does other things, please listen and protect him.
Just the fact that you know he prefers one child over another is so wrong. If you know, your son will know. Think how much damage that will cause.
If it was me, I'd tell the school everything. And I'd be telling him to get the fuck out of the house right now.

Hi op. As a mother of an ASD teen I can tell you that the easiest time in my life with regards to my child were between the ages of 4 and 8. Things behaviour wise became very tough after this. So if your husband is reacting like this now then you are going to be having much bigger problems in the future.

I think this is the right thing to do and if school don't help, then refer yourself to social services.

When my kids were young, my husband lost his temper and reacted in a way he shouldn't. I made him go to the GP who then referred us to Children's Services. We were under a social worker for a bit, but it did not destroy our lives! My husband was asked to attend a parenting course, which he did and worked at behaving differently. If your husband won't engage, then that's his problem, not yours, and if the worst came to the worst and you split up, at least you would have evidence that the children should not be with him.

Again I haven’t defended this man’s actions either, I just think jumping to the conclusion she should press the self destruct button on her whole life.

DS just called me up to his bed and said some strange stuff. He talked about daddy pushing him and he said he was gonna tell teachers. Then he followed that up by saying "mummy and daddy are most important people in your life". It wss quite odd. When he was crying he was saying "why do I have a scary daddy".

OP listen to your child, he is TELLING you what your husband is doing when your not around, thats why he is so scared of DS telling the school and thinking SS will get involved because he KNOWS he is doing stuff that will get him in Deep shit, advocate for your DS and YOU raise it with anyone that will listen, he doesnt have a voice YOU do.

I don’t know why your DH can’t accept your DS’s SEN related food aversions. My DS is 5 and has SEN. He will literally eat: pizza, chips, tomato soup with bread and butter, poached/dippy eggs and toast, nakd bars, bear yo-yos, certain crisps, certain biscuits, innocent smoothies and whole milk. That is it.

Tried so many different foods over the years, left them and come back to them, he gets involved in the cooking process even (has a Montessori cooking set so can chop veg etc) but he doesn’t care, zilch interest. Sometimes he’ll eat foods then drop them, examples being curry weirdly which he used to love and baked beans. He has a daily multi-vitamin and seems healthy and energetic enough.

I’m saying this because your DH needs to chill the fuck out. Some kids with SEN, or even without tbh, will only eat one food item. We’ve all heard the stories of kids who only eat ready salted crisps or chicken nuggets. Your DS will likely be fine but DH needs to regulate himself and stop being an abusive twat.

Of the 3 options that you have listed, option 2 might work best for your DS. He would have one "safe space" with you and one "very tough rules place" with his father. DS actually might find that easier to manage; like having different rules at school and home.

Often men with your DH's personality will take advice from external "experts" that they wont take from their wives. But I note that your DH wont take expert advice either. He just has to be "right" all the time. Well, he might do better when you aren't there at all. But even if he doesn't, it may still work out better for DS to have two different places with different rules. And if that fails too, if being with DH really is dangerous for DS, then you may need to try to block his access. But that is a decision for further down the line. For the time being I would think seriously about leaving with DS as the best step for DS.

I was asking a question as I was genuinely confused by your post and wanted to clarify what you meant. You seem to be implying that parents of ND children shouldn’t necessarily follow the advice they are given, which you couldn’t possibly know. You might think you know it for your nephew but you don’t know it for other children. Anecdotal evidence is just that.

Look OP, your son has told you very clearly that he is scared and hurt and needs help.

It should not be on your son to have to go to the school and tell a teacher that he is being physically and verbally and emotionally abused by his parent. He has told YOU, and you have seen it for yourself.

You need to protect your children, and right now that means protecting them from their dad. You have options. Police. Social Services. School. Or simply tell him to leave and that he can't come back until he has changed (he won't change, though.)

What you CANNOT do is go on with this back and forth, letting your son deal with this by himself, undefended. He is a small child. He cannot defend himself, he needs an adult to step in. If that isn't going to be you, his mum, then he may never recover from this.

Step up. Protect your children. Do the right thing. You are not alone and while it will be hard, it will be harder still to watch your child die inside as your husband continues to terrorise him and bully you into going along with it.

Op yes I think you need to do more to help your dc

I actually left my husband for something similar. Although it had been brewing for a long time and was the straw which broke the camel’s back.

I'm glad you've made this decision OP. You're not throwing a grenade into your life, your DH did that last night. Maybe this will be a turning point for your DH and he will be forced to seek help, maybe not, but you can't go on as you are. Bon courage!

Get some professional help and support. If this is an isolated incident, let things cool down, give H a chance for apologies and a reset, within acceptable boundaries (this must not happen again). A permanent bust up over a one-off might have v negative results for DS in later life. For what it's worth, arguments over food are just not worth having - just my opinion.

If it excuses the kid's behaviour, why doesn't it excuse the father's?

For the same reason the age of criminal responsibility doesnt discriminate between neurotypical and neurodivergent people

Would you have done that to your son? Or any human or animal?

Because the child is 6. And the father is an adult. 😵‍💫

I've tried to read through responses but wanted to quickly respond to agree with this post. I have a son with ASD who is now 15. Your husband has not accepted your son's diagnosis if he has not accepted the food aversions. I sympathise that it can be incredibly frustrating. Particularly when they eat something for a while and then drop it, or refuse to eat something that they always eat but on that occasion looks or feels different to normal. But this is part of the condition and it is not within their control. I still get frustrated at times now - but your husband needs to accept it and stop making food a point of argument and stress. It's not going to change.

So it's sensible to batch cook acceptable food, so everyone else can have what they prefer.

Honestly, I am with @NoisyViewer - 6 year olds are entirely capable of manipulating their parents to their own (perceived) advantage and will also embroider what happened.
Too many ND kids - it's not a survival strategy in an evolutionary sense, so where has it come from so suddenly in Western societies? How many ND DC are to be found in e.g. Sudan, Yemen etc?

I didn't recommend a 'good smack' I responded to someone else who did, with whom I tend to agree (in some circumstances). And we don't know if OP's DC is autistic, only that they are ND - i.e. don't follow normal patterns of behaviour. I don't either (I lack empathy) as you may have noticed by now.
I was not suggesting batch cooking and serving the same safe food as a punishment, but to alleviate the problem the OP stated - the chicken is different - and the necessity to cook a separate meal for one person at every meal (which may turn out to be 'different from last time'), or have everyone eat the same as the ND person, of course. Food should never, never be used as a punishment. I did not in any sense suggest it should be. One could - and should - batch cook several different forms of 'safe food' so that there is variety.

We used to have 'lunatic asylums' filled with mentally ill people living in squalor and being mistreated. Thankfully, things have moved on in this country since the Victorian era.

Neurodivergent children and adults will exist in war-torn countries but the fight for survival (finding food and not being killed) will always take precedence.

Your arguments are facile and tone-deaf. OP witnessed first hand what her husband did to their son so I'm not sure where the embroidering of what happened has come from.

I think the worst part of all of it is him blaming you and your son for what he did. (And trying to pretend the floor isn't that hard. It's an uncarpeted floor, of course it's hard! He's delusional!) That refusal to be accountable suggests that there's no hope for him becoming a better father or turning this around.

If he takes full responsibility for his actions, educates himself and gets help, you could keep your family together and the boys could have a happy childhood. If he won't do these things, you'll have to separate and get them away from him. I would tell him those are his two options, and tell him to choose.

I think you will all be much much happier divorced, and obiv dh won't be wanting 50/50 he will prob be very happy with eow at most with your 6 year old. He may suggest 50/50 with the youngest - which could be a good thing as you would be able to fully concentrate on the 6 year old during these times.

We do know that OP's son has autism. It is literally the first line of her original post:

'6 year old ASD son.'

You also said:

'I would probably serve up interesting food for eveyone else and serve the same safe foods to ND child forever. Easier (and can be batch cooked and frozen). One can't go round producing different meals for different people - and other DC get the message that they are not the favoured child and that they can make similar demands. ND DC have to learn to live in the world that is, not the one they want (just like the rest of us).'

That sounds as though you would use the safe foods to 'punish' the neurodivergent child while your other children get the 'interesting food'. In reality, that would suit the child with an eating disorder.