Page 20 | Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Spiderwoman123 · 2025-12-03T19:21:19+00:00

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way. H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting! Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room Pls tell me what to do

Squishedpassenger · 04/12/2025 08:34

bigboykitty · 04/12/2025 08:25

But if you are right, these are steps to work through. SC will address his refusal to engage or learn to parent appropriately and provide the support to OP to leave if needed. They will also know more about the risk he poses, which may well be greater than OP has shared.

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The issue is that people are speaking as if him not taking the right steps and OP then not leaving will result in SS taking the kid from her care. The scariest thing is that they most likely will not. They might not even insist on keeping up contact with OP. But her son will still be in an environment with someone who can't regulate their emotions while trying to parent him. That will be damaging.

It really is on the OP to insist on change. Other people might not be able to.

MrsCarson · 04/12/2025 08:35

Fargo79 · 03/12/2025 20:28

Interesting and not at all surprising that money came twice before happiness.

Your description of his upbringing sounds like hell on earth for an autistic child with issues around eating. Autistic people will often liken unsafe foods to being being asked to eat dog faeces, or to eat from a plate where their safe food is next to dog faeces. It's not a choice, or a battle of wills or a power struggle and people who understand their autistic children know this.

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I mention money once. An interesting career doesn't always pay well.

ilovesushi · 04/12/2025 08:37

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 08:24

Not defending it. But DC was obnoxious. Just because you are ND does not absolve you from proper behaviour. What was wrong with the bloody chicken? Chicken is chicken. If DC does not like it tell DC to eat the rest of the food and feed chicken to cat, or something. No pudding - can't eat main. Thereafter batch cook acceptable chicken for DC and feed it at every meal. One cannot cook separate food for one member of a family all the time.

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It is really normal for neurodiverse children to have sensory issues which can make eating difficult. It is more than 'fussy' eating.

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 08:41

lazyarse123 · 04/12/2025 08:02

Seriously. So how many months did a young child spend being overwhelmed by noise when he could have been comfortable? I assume there are ways to wean them off using these things as they get older. I'm not convinced that bullying them out of it is the way.
It comes across that he is embarrassed by his sons diagnosis as he doesn't engage or agree with it. I know some nd kids have no filter what will happen when he starts answering back and the husband doesn't like it?

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What are you talking about. The kid is not needing them now. To think life isn’t going to push you out of your comfort zone is ridiculous. A parents job isn’t just about facilitating the most comfortable life & loving life. It’s about preparing them for life.which will not see people jump through hoops for their comfort

My daughter didn’t want to learn to drive, I bought her a lesson anyway & said just give me 5 lessons & I’ll stop badgering you. She didn’t want to get a part time job & she chose a uni 13 miles away despite it not being the one she loved to be close to home. I said ok but stay there. I’m literally 25 minutes away, come home if you need to. We push her out her comfort zone & especially her b/c I suspect she is ND & I won’t apologise for it either. Because despite find all three things extremely difficult she’s thriving & she’s actually tells me thanks for making me drive. Doesn’t thank me for her job but I see the difference it’s made. She loves living away & has a great set of mates

Moonlightfrog · 04/12/2025 08:41

Raising my autistic dc became a whole lot easier after I kicked their autistic father out. Not saying it’s been easy but it was much harder when I had a dh who was not parenting from the same page as me and was losing his temper instead of being patient with them.

Your DS asked “is this what daddies do?” You need to reassure him that it’s not and tell him it won’t happen again…..because it’s not what daddies do. He is 6 and his dad is treating him like he’s a disobedient adult.

Food was a huge issue in our house, one of my DC’s has huge sensory issues around food (ARFID) and it used to cause such huge stress at dinner time. Was the stress and shouting worth it? Did it get us anywhere? No, you can’t force a child to eat, especially when they are now in meltdown.

Our home was so much more relaxed once dh moved out. My DC’s were 8 and 10 and I wish I had done it sooner. I was already handling all the appointments, diagnosis, EHCP meetings and school meetings. I was the one doing therapy, managing meltdowns and getting up in the night, so dh leaving just made me less angry and I could the parent my way.

Redburnett · 04/12/2025 08:44

Wait a few days if you can to think about things. Then decide whether you need DH to leave, or whether you and DH need to work together to agree strategies for parenting DS, discuss and agree how to handle difficult situations. Even if DH leaves he is still going to have DS visiting him, but without you present. DH probably needs to learn more about child development. It is shocking on MN how many men seem not to grasp that children do not behave like adults, and expect children to have the rationality and reasoning power of an adult.

Sc00byDont · 04/12/2025 08:46

@Spiderwoman123 i just wanted to give you a hug / your stress is coming off the screen. What a horrible toxic environment to live in. Of course your DH was wrong. Your poor wee boys 😞

I’m still not clear if this was a one off physical incident or one of many… if it’s the first time your H has been physical with your son I would treat this as a single crisis point of never again. He must agree to either changing his parenting or going to a parenting class. Plus he agrees to stop arguing with the kids about food, about anything. If he can’t agree to this or if it’s part if a pattern of abusive behaviour, I’m so sorry but you know he needs to go.

PortSalutPlease · 04/12/2025 08:48

Leave. This man has abused your child. Leave. I have a child with ASC -your DS is only going to get bigger and stronger - it will not get better if your DH is being violent to him.

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 08:55

Velvian · 04/12/2025 08:10

I'm not sure that you have anything useful to add if you have no experience of ND children.

I think you have it the wrong way round, I think there is a lot to be learned from ND people that would vastly improve society as a whole.

It really all comes down to bodily autonomy, you should never seek to override that in a child. Teaching children to shut up and comply with infringements on their bodies has caused untold trauma and generational abuse for all history.

People wanting to crow about the same old tropes, "my DC ate what I gave them." "We respected our father, all my mum had to say..." pale into insignificance when looking at the bigger picture.

...and yes, it is bloody annoying and soul destroying at times when you've cooked 3 meals and they're still not right, but with ND DC, you hace to give up on tge food and health fads and stick with balanced, plain and approved.

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I am probably ND - certainly I lack empathy. However, I am not sure never broaching a DC's bodily autonomy is a good idea any more than constantly thwarting a child is.
We are faced with a civilization which seems to be saying that anything goes as long as we find it pleasurable and that personal self-fulfilment through what pleases us is the only way to live.

We should teach DC about inappropriate touching and also that because something is pleasurable it does not mean it is either a right thing to do or a safe thing to do. We should also teach them that secrets between adults and children are always a sign that something is wrong.
We do not have bodily autonomy and nor do we have the right to do as we like. Other people are involved always, some to help us, some to harm us. DC need to learn to distinguish between those two sorts of people.

DoingAway · 04/12/2025 09:00

DeepRubySwan · 04/12/2025 02:35

Having now read all the posts...can I ask, what do you seek as the result from involving social services? Do you hope that they will make your DH take a parenting course or change his behaviour? I think there is more to this story than we know and without a full family history and speaking to both your sons and your husband it's nearly impossible for anyone on here to give you advice on such a tricky situation.

For reference, I am a family social worker with over 20 years experience and my current job is early intervention in exactly the type of situations you describe. If this is generally a one off incident in a high stress household, you could self refer to early intervention parenting support, probably via your Council. The school will notify social services if you tell them as they would be mandatory reporters, who will note it, but in the absence of any other previous reports or issues it will be unlikely to meet their threshold for a substantiated notification for statutory intervention and they will refer down to voluntary parenting support anyway.

So before creating a social services history for your child, your husband and your family you could try to get a social worker involved for support on a voluntary basis after discussing with your husband about the seriousness of the incident. He must know on some level that SS could potentially get involved here.

If you or your children are genuinely in danger from your husband then contact your local DFV helpline to either get him out of the house or go to refuge.

Is he usually a pretty good parent? Does he spend time with the kids, contribute to family life, does he verbally or emotionally abuse you or the children? Is there a way to structure meal time so it's less stressful? Are there other points of conflict?

Social services are generally limited to prescribing interventions such as parenting courses, they can't tell your husband what to do. They will likely take the line that this is a stressed household due to ND child/ren and relationship dynamics that requires additional support, which depending on where you are located, may or may not be voluntary.

I can understand your frustration with his refusal to engage with professional help. He needs to, possibly for his own mental health as well.

A good first option in your situation might be to call a family line, family violence helpline or some such to talk to a professional counsellor who can assist you to walkthrough your decision making on this. Best of luck.

This is a helpful post.

I agree that calling a family/parenting support line would be a good start for you this morning OP.

Member869894 · 04/12/2025 09:08

If this was a one off i wouldn't leave but o would seek more support for.you all

Alicorn1707 · 04/12/2025 09:16

@Spiderwoman123 once you involve the school and SS, that is a bell that cannot be unrung.

Think very carefully about how best to proceed for your lad.

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 09:16

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 07:56

I suspect that ND children - of whom we seem to have vast numbers here - are often mollycoddled by esp DM and take advantage by having things like 'safe foods'. Don't pander to any DC is a good strategy. Letting a child rule the home is never a good strategy.
I would probably serve up interesting food for eveyone else and serve the same safe foods to ND child forever. Easier (and can be batch cooked and frozen). One can't go round producing different meals for different people - and other DC get the message that they are not the favoured child and that they can make similar demands. ND DC have to learn to live in the world that is, not the one they want (just like the rest of us).

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Honestly yes. I’ve seen it with family & friends. Kids behaving like children is mostly what I see when with them but whilst we all correct ours theirs given free rein to jump on someone else’s sofa. With everyone explaining to their kids that this child can’t help it. Whilst said kid gives a knowing laugh, almost like a mocking haha in the other child’s face. True story. All that happens is they just stop getting invited, my mate said I just can’t have my best mate over as her kid just trashes the place. Wet toilet roll & threw it up on her celing. Banging fish tanks etc. The telling thing was, she once babysat said kid & told him off & he stopped and behaved the rest of time he was there. Her friend never said anything so she certain he didn’t tell her. He is a good kid & I’ve had him over but mom turns up he turns into a demon running round the house not wanting to go home. Hitting her & refusing to say goodbye to us. Dad picks him up & his behaviour is almost saint like. Thanks for having me, daddy I loved my dinner it was so yummy as a way of complimenting me etc. he’s also 6 to think they’re unable to manipulate is for the birds.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2025 09:22

Alicorn1707 · 04/12/2025 09:16

@Spiderwoman123 once you involve the school and SS, that is a bell that cannot be unrung.

Think very carefully about how best to proceed for your lad.

He’s already said he wants to tell a teacher. What’s the alternative? Tell the poor kid he can’t tell a teacher and take away the outside support network he almost certainly needs?

bigboykitty · 04/12/2025 09:24

Alicorn1707 · 04/12/2025 09:16

@Spiderwoman123 once you involve the school and SS, that is a bell that cannot be unrung.

Think very carefully about how best to proceed for your lad.

This is very poor advice. When OP's son goes into school and says dad hit him, how do you think that will play out? Mum may also be seen to be complicit. Please bear in mind that we really do not know the full extent of what the dad has been doing to this family and that's why no one should be saying it's early help or a parenting course only.

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 09:26

Tiswa · 04/12/2025 07:49

@Peridoteage and @NoisyViewer did you miss the part where he is part time and she is full time. The solution to him being unable to handle this cannot be her taking more on

there is also no shame with social services early help we had it when DS was going through a difficult patch at 10/11 and it was useful

No I didn’t see that, but I haven’t suggested she takes more on either. I’m a stay at home mom & incidentally was the shouty parent where my husband would come home & be fun dad. There is a different mental load in parenting when one is a default parent & the other a supporting role. Is there then an argument that his opinion should hold more weight with regards to boundaries as he is the one dealing with them more? I haven’t defended this man’s actions. I can’t because he didn’t behave correctly. That doesn’t automatically make her correct because he was wrong. They both can be wrong.

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 09:27

That man needs to leave your house. Your son is not safe. You are being gaslit, you are not the problem here. It will get worse as he gets bigger.

If you need help with that then the police would be interested in that assault on a 6 year old child and so should social services.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 09:27

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 07:56

I suspect that ND children - of whom we seem to have vast numbers here - are often mollycoddled by esp DM and take advantage by having things like 'safe foods'. Don't pander to any DC is a good strategy. Letting a child rule the home is never a good strategy.
I would probably serve up interesting food for eveyone else and serve the same safe foods to ND child forever. Easier (and can be batch cooked and frozen). One can't go round producing different meals for different people - and other DC get the message that they are not the favoured child and that they can make similar demands. ND DC have to learn to live in the world that is, not the one they want (just like the rest of us).

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You recommended a good smack to cure autism and eating disorders earlier in the thread.

Parents of children with eating disorders are positively encouraged to provide their child with the food that they know they will eat. My child was a patient of the Clinical Psychologist who came up with the name ARFID (Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) for my child's eating disorder and we were advised to give him any food that he was willing to eat to get enough calories into him.

So your suggestion of serving the same saafe foods to the ND child is what clinical professionals would advise. However, you are sugggesting it as a punishment to show them that they are not the favoured child.

I pity any child of yours that is in any way different from the norm.

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 09:31

tipsyraven · 04/12/2025 08:15

I’m curious as to how life would be better for him without a diagnosis? Do you think he would be better off if there was no explanation for why he has difficulties with certain things?

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I never suggested he shouldn’t be. I just made a case that I think some of the advice may not be in the best interest of the child in the long run. I also gave an example of a personal experience to back that up. I’ve seen a child before during and after taking this advice & let me tell you something. He isn’t thriving in life & whilst he may have had the childhood he wanted (as per advice) he certainly isn’t living the life adult life he dreamed of.

Butterflyarms · 04/12/2025 09:34

Believe what you saw with your own eyes, not what DH or child is telling you. It sounds like DH behaved very badly, whatever his intention his actions were shit.

EdithBond · 04/12/2025 09:35

Redburnett · 04/12/2025 08:44

Wait a few days if you can to think about things. Then decide whether you need DH to leave, or whether you and DH need to work together to agree strategies for parenting DS, discuss and agree how to handle difficult situations. Even if DH leaves he is still going to have DS visiting him, but without you present. DH probably needs to learn more about child development. It is shocking on MN how many men seem not to grasp that children do not behave like adults, and expect children to have the rationality and reasoning power of an adult.

I agree. I wouldn’t rush into anything, unless you feel unsafe around your DH.

This seems like a crisis point, and something needs to change. But my advice would be don’t rush into action. Take time to consider and talk to your loved ones: good friends with kids, family members etc. They know you and your family best. Consider advice you get online, but don’t be led by it: ask people IRL.

Both you and your DH sound quite emotionally unregulated around your DC. The kids will take their cue from how you both behave. If both/either of you make something a big deal, the kids will perceive it as a big deal and react accordingly.

I have no experience of parenting ND kids, but these sort of incidents happen from time-to-time in most families with kids. IME, the way to deal with this sort of thing with a neurotypical child:

Provide a range of healthy, enticing food: colourful, fresh, small portions (with more if they want it) cooked with the DC helping where possible, so they learn about food and feel invested in it. Avoid sugary and processed foods (like nuggets).

Don’t make food an issue. Provide the meals and snacks as above but don’t nag them to eat it or even appear interested. Eat together and chat about things while eating, rather than making eating the focus. Gently encourage the odd mouthful if they appear distracted. But do it with humour and lightness. And don’t make it a big deal. Don’t pander to what they want: enticing, healthy meals, but no alternative. No sugary puddings: fruit or yogurt.

If you DS plays up, get’s irritable/grisly (as all kids do at times), remain calm and firm. It may help your DH to channel behaving as a teacher or other professional would: calm, kind, lighthearted, but setting firm boundaries. It makes kids feel safe to know there are boundaries.

If his behaviour starts to wind your DH up, he must remove himself from the room. Take a few breaths of fresh air and calm down.

If one parent thinks the other parent is behaving in a way they don’t agree with (being stern about food, pandering to their demands) say nothing in front of the kids. It confuses them and allows them to play off one parent against the other. Note it down and speak calmly about it later when the kids aren’t there and can’t hear. Easier said than done, I know.

Your DH must realise he can’t keep battling your DS. If he won’t work on his parenting, it’s a tough one. If you split, he’ll have the DC alone. So it wouldn’t necessarily resolve their interactions. You just wouldn’t be there to witness it.

Tiswa · 04/12/2025 09:41

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 09:26

No I didn’t see that, but I haven’t suggested she takes more on either. I’m a stay at home mom & incidentally was the shouty parent where my husband would come home & be fun dad. There is a different mental load in parenting when one is a default parent & the other a supporting role. Is there then an argument that his opinion should hold more weight with regards to boundaries as he is the one dealing with them more? I haven’t defended this man’s actions. I can’t because he didn’t behave correctly. That doesn’t automatically make her correct because he was wrong. They both can be wrong.

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Just because he works part time doesn’t mean he sees them more. I would suspect that is not necessarily the case!

they can both handle a situation badly yes - but what he did was so over a line

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 09:41

DoingAway · 04/12/2025 09:00

This is a helpful post.

I agree that calling a family/parenting support line would be a good start for you this morning OP.

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Yes 🙌. Some solid advice & I hope the OP reads it because listening to everyone else will see her blow up her whole family

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 04/12/2025 09:41

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:33

What is so awful is H is defending it by saying "DS was trying to hit me". He talks like theyre the same rather than one is 6 and one is in his 40s. This wss the most physical ive seen him but he does shout and then say "DS was shouting too"

DS in bath said "is that what some daddies do?". I feel like half my brain is sayinh this is awful get out, and the other half is saying he lost his temper but he didnt want to hurt him

It all happened in 10 seconds but he did pick uo the chair off the ground and tipped it 90 degree. The only thing he can have meant to happen is for DS to fall. It felt v extreme and I really reacted by grabbing DS off floor as was genuinely scared for him. H then said my reaction caused both boys to cry and run out of room!

So now the abusive twat is blaming you? He gets to overreact because he clearly is also ND in some way too but your poor son can’t be? In his own home? Nope. I wouldn’t be tolerating this shit and abuse of my child for a second. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up, get in therapy and work on his own triggers and issues. He wouldn’t be welcome at meal times in my home until he proved he can be trusted. If my husband abused my son because he didn’t want to eat chicken (which often can taste very different and is a known sensory issue for a lot of ND people) and yet thinks we should be ok with him physically harming my child due to his own triggers I’d be red with rage. Also look up food psychology, eating pudding alongside dinner is fine.

stayok · 04/12/2025 09:42

I suspect the people cautioning op not to involve SS and school have missed her post about how her 6yo is planning to tell his teachers about everything that is going on and his angry daddy- unless you think she should be trying to prevent him doing that (as it sounds like his father has done).