Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

What exactly would be right and legal about it?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫
Goady post here I imagine.
Why would you want to smack a ND child for not being able to cope?? What good is that going to do?? Idiot.

What?!

They're doing their job. Rightly so.

This. You did nothing wrong OP. Both my granddaughters are ASD and my daughter and son in law use same parenting approach. Both have engaged with the professionals and taken advice. If one of them gets overwhelmed as they can with ND children they walk away and the other takes over. It is called teamwork. Your husband is not on your team and is abusing your children. Why is he so bothered if one of your DS needs ear defenders? They are effective in reducing noise for children who are sensitive to it.

What?? Clearly you don’t understand OP’s situation. She is concerned about the way her violent dh abused her ND child. I wouldn’t like my dh either if he did that. OP needs to safeguard her son.

I'm not saying its not wrong - but inviting in that crowd you need to know what's coming.

In England & NI it is legal, and right.

You aren’t behaving well, those smacks didn’t work. You are equating an assault to past experiences which are no longer acceptable parenting (though considerably more minor events than happened here)…all to torture someone in distress about a family crisis..those smacks grew cruelty not character

But this is optional for the OP, she can either sort this out at home, or invite in, what will likely be a nightmare, so its a choice between stepping up and resolving your own problems and being in control of the situation or ceding control to a third party, who may, or may not be very helpful.

Like I said I'm not a fan of them for my own reasons but if this child goes to school saying what's happened they're going to get involved whether OP likes it or not

I think it would be a very good idea to get family therapy. I know a lot of people will tell you to LTB but you are raising two boys and if you behave as though your DH is disposable then I don't think that that is going to make them feel good about their prospects in life at all.

Ideally you need to get family therapy from someone who understands how ASD presents in both adults and children.

How do I step up and resolve my own problems? I have tried for a long time to reason with my husband. Im running out of ideas.

I'm struggling to see the crisis. No one is hurt, sleep on it, discuss calmly tomorrow - there is no drama here, like most situations they only persist if driven.

Please ignore this weaker parent bullshit and the time out. Not all Autistic children need parenting in the same way. I have 2 that need very different parenting because they’re individuals! One of my children had an eating disorder as well & very experienced dieticians have told me repeatedly that if everyone else is allowed pudding then so should they be, regardless of what else they’re eaten. Food should never be a punishment or a reward.
Their other parent is definitely Autistic as well. We’ve had fairly similar situations & personally I decided I didn’t want to live with that as I don’t think it was best for the children. I also gave ultimatums that he had to listen to what I’d learnt and what I’d proved worked for our children & why. I showed him video, programmes etc He spends loads of time with them and they’re very close and things are a lot better. There are still occasional issues and I deal with them immediately.
if I were you I would try to find the money for some couples counselling. I’d explain he has to agree to learn about parenting differently. I’d point out he is damaging his relationship permanently with you and the boys. I’d also really push him to speak to his GP about an assessment for himself. It might really help him to understand his neurotype is the argument I’d use. It would also help your son I suspect to know he & his Dad are Autistic & that’s ok, it’s just different to you & his sibling, not worse or better, just different.

My DH isnt disposable. Far from it. I want us to be a happy united family. Of course I do. But things are getting worse and hes not listening. I cant get tonight out of my head. Maybe I sound dramatic but it was bad. My gut is telling me it was really bad.

You need to stop getting into fights over food. It really doesn’t matter if DS doesn’t eat the chicken. It does matter if he’s tipped on the floor.

What? I know that. Im not getting into fights over food!

Maybe I still need to stop reading comments at midnight. Some of them are so confusing!

look the likelihood is that some form of social services/early help support is offered including parenting classes which is what you need

The problem is he clearly won’t take them and that is on him.

the incident isn’t the biggest issue as much as his lack of understanding how bad it is, trying to downplay it and blaming you and you can’t continue like that.

You seem so scared of two houses yet actually isn’t it just as bad for your child who tells you how scary Daddy is that you stay? That you say it is ok he did it.

A child saying there parent is scary is not something you can ignore. Your children have suffered years of his awful parenting - he refused him to wear noise cancelling headphones that is appalling

The fact is it shouldn’t get into such a situation in the first place with food and the result shouldn’t be a child who is scared and who get tipped on the floor

Yes it was bad.
I don’t think there is a way back from this for you and your H because your husband basically tipped your ND child into the floor in a rage.
And I am used to ND children so I know how hard it is to be hit and bit but violence is not the answer. I am a single parent and if anyone ever behaved like your H did to my DC, he would be out.
You personally are coping, I think. You would have defused the situation but your H escalated it and blames your parenting. So it’s not that you both are not coping.

This kind of flash-point stand-off over food is avoidable. If he doesn’t want to eat the chicken don’t make a big deal of it. Don’t get into a battle of wills with an ASD child.

What you do about DH I don’t know. Parenting bootcamp or separation.

Exactly.

words fail me.

Agree. Why involve social,services when all you need to do is leave him, or ask him to leave, if you feel that you can’t remain with him. Inviting social services into this will mess the entire family up, because the whole family will be investigated, including yourself. You won’t be in control of anything. Social services will. The school will be informed. And the outcome will probably be the same anyway - they will ask him to leave, which is what you can do yourself with no outside intervention.

I agree it is difficult to handle these situations and you parenting expectations need shifting.

@Spiderwoman123 you can’t compromise with him here and adapt to him that is going to cause you to damage your child badly.
he is already telling you this for a child to say he is scared is a huge thing for a child to do

he either needs to accept he is wrong and take parenting courses or you have no choice but to leave