Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Stop scaremongering

The more you write the more vile your husband sounds. He doesn’t sound equipped with the patience to have children let alone ND children. Why on earth are you letting him dictate how you manage your son when you clearly have more empathy and understanding for him? You should not allow your twat of a husband to rule the roost - it’s incredibly damaging for your son. Wake up.

Whilst keeping the family together is something you want, unfortunately you have to have the other parent on board and they know whilst you hold this desire they don’t have to do anything about your behaviour.

Ultimately being a single parent is not something to fear. The alternative is far worse.

You think assaulting a child is “right”? Wow. You’re a disgrace. Hope you don’t have any of your own.

@DeftWasp you think a dysregulated child deserves a smack?
plus what he did definitley would cause injury and definitely wasn’t reasonable so is definitely illegal

It’s not scaremongering. It’s reality. And totally unnecessary to involve them in this situation, because all OP has to do is to leave him, or ask him to leave. Which is what social services will ultimately do anyway, difference being they would be in control of the situation rather than OP. The only issue might be if her dh then contests custody, but tbh it seems unlikely as he doesn’t seem to like his ds, so I’m guessing wouldn’t fight OP for custody or for access.

As someone who has worked in a primary school as a 1:1 with ND children, all I can think about is your son & the disclosure he’s likely to make to his trusted adults tomorrow. This breaks my heart. I feel for you too having to navigate this but safeguarding is everyone’s concern & you need to safeguard your son from his dad. I would strongly suggest as others have said to ask to speak to the headteacher first thing tomorrow as a matter of urgency. Try to relay the facts of what happened. It will have to be reported as a cause for concern but you all need support & you being proactive in seeking help is a positive step - thinking of you tomorrow.

If your ASD child has arfid, your husband is doing everything pretty much the opposite of what needs to be done to manage your child’s food issues.

I looked, but did not seem to find a definitive answer. Is your husband the child’s father? In other words, will he end up with custody time if you separate?

Perhaps you need to stop trying to reason with him and give him an ultimatum. He goes and gets therapy and engages in the support offered to your son or he leaves. Tipping a child off a chair and hurting him to punish him for not eating his food is abuse. My parent did stuff like this. It was designed to punish and humiliate me and nobody intervened. Nobody advocated for me. It was different times but things have changed and the damage this sort of abuse causes is widely known. Advocate for your children as they can’t do it for themselves.

Oh fgs stop labelling abusive behaviour as being ND that is NOT what ND is! Educate yourself on neurodiversity, please!

Nonsense it’s nothing to do with the school! All that will do is involve social services and make life 10x more stressful for OP.

OP you need to leave that man and keep your son away from him (at least until a court orders otherwise). Please call women’s aid or the NCDV for advice.

Your husband needs to 1) acknowledge what he did is unacceptable 2) attend counselling to process his emotions.

I do believe children need to be sent the message that slapping parents is absolutely unacceptable, but the spirit behind tipping him off the chair is something quite ugly, which needs to be worked out with a therapist asap. If he raised a hand to me, I'd have held the offending wrist, made eye contact and said "you are not allowed to slap, do you understand?" - and then changed the subject. Do you discipline effectively? Is H feeling like he is alone in applying any sort of boundaries? Not excuses, by any means, but it would be good for you both to talk it all through with a professional to burst that stress bubble you're in.

It is scaremongering. Hopefully the little one tells a trusted adult what happens at home

He's human. He lost his patience. No significant harm was done.

Let him take responsibility and move on. It's not a huge deal.

SS will not ask him to leave. They cannot do this. They want to keep family units together not separate them.
The will look at all events to determine whether parenting is 'adequate' based on evidence.
A child tipped out of a chair with no physical harm caused to them will not be viewed as physical abuse. Obviously they will have a very dim view of this as parenting technique and will state that any form of physical punishment or reaction is not in the best interest of any child. They will advise on how to parent moving forwards and provide the whole family with support to prevent this from happening again in the future.
I agree that I wouldn't openly invite them into mine or my children's lives as it will unpleasant at best trying to prove you are a good parent.
SS are stretched to breaking point with very serious cases of neglect and abuse.

If a strange man in a restaurant lifted up your child's chair then hurled him to the floor what would you have done? What would your husband have done?
If I witnessed a six year old being treated like this i would put the attacker in hospital.
This is nothing to do with neurodivergence and everything to do with rage, control and abuse.
Report him to the police.Get him removed from the house. Use that time to get support.
Sorry, OP.

Your husband sounds horrific, and I hope your child does full disclosure tomorrow so that hopefully other people can step into the situation You seem to half acknowledge the awfulness of what your husband has done, but also with you asking what you should do, seem to be not acknowledging it.

It feels obvious that a man who is violent towards his child should not be allowed to be in a position where he can continue to be this way.

You absolutely need to involve social services, @Spiderwoman123 . Firstly to get the help and support you and your little boy need, but also to formally document what has been happening, and hopefully ensure that his dad only gets supervised access once you separate.

And, unless your husband finally grasps what is going on and what he needs to do to save his family relationship, and makes concerted efforts to engage with the help that is on offer, separation is the only way forward.

Talk to the school or whoever you feel able to. You need help with this. I have read the thread and also all OP updates. This is not good.

You have several times referenced your gut and other experiences, trust it!!

To upend a child onto the floor out or his chair is abuse and to be seemingly smacking the floor to "prove" it's not that hards is abuse. The fact that him and his brother run away for safety says a lot.

The strange conversations with your child are a cry for help.

Please feel no guilt or worry about reaching out for the help your family needs.

I know you hours are long and you work hard but at the moment you need to prioritise this for your boys. Can you ask for some flexibility from work? (you don't need to divulge personal reasons).

That's not even close to what that poster was saying at all. What are you even talking about?

I honestly can't stand coming on mumsnet & reading posts like yours where people just make stuff up off the top of their head

That poster is saying that the OP has clearly been unhappy for a long time, clearly doesn't feel strong enough to say she wants to end the relationship so is now going to use SS getting involved as a reason why

The poster wasn't defending any sort of abuse. Grow up with your made up bullshit

Please ignore all the 'leave' advice. Your husband reacted terribly and I think both of you would benefit from parenting counselling. I would recommend both Circle of Security and Triple P. They helped me enormously with my asd child. Your husband's behaviour is not ok and he needs help. Your child's behaviour is also not ok however.

Your husband assaulted your child.

I have an autistic child. He is the most severe at level 3. People with normal children don’t understand what we go through every day.

We just saw his paediatrician who asked if my child is violent. I said no. That night (without warning) he ran full force towards my face striking my face with his body. This came from absolutely nowhere. His brain is completely broken.

I don’t put up with being assaulted. I don’t ignore it when he lashes out and hurts me. The professionals ignore the assaults and redirect behaviour. I don’t. I’m very strict on certain things and lax on others. I’ve accepted that I need to ensure he has a happy childhood but I don’t accept being assaulted. I always react. But I don’t hit. I’ve never dropped him to the floor.

What your husband did was assault. Dropping him to the floor wasn’t proportional to what occurred. Dropping from height was designed to not only hurt your son but also humiliate him.

Whole thing sounds abnormal, autism or not

I can see where your child learnt violence to communicate because wtf even is this? You both need parenting classes.

Your husband pushed your child back on a chair on to a hard floor and you’re asking if it’s ok, normal even. Not normal at all, don’t leave your child with him alone.

I feel for your little boy, he’s going to be so damaged if you don’t change this quickly. Never seen anything like this described so casually.

how dare H try to blame you and your son rather than apologise and beg for forgiveness. Makes it 100 times worse