Page 14 | Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Spiderwoman123 · 2025-12-03T19:21:19+00:00

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way. H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting! Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room Pls tell me what to do

DeftWasp · 03/12/2025 23:18

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NimbleDreamer · 03/12/2025 23:21

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Shut the fuck up.

PickledElectricity · 03/12/2025 23:24

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 22:20

these responses are reflective of my confused brain! half of my brain is saying i need to step up and do something and this is really bad. and half is saying that SS being in our lives for 8 months is going to destroy us as a family and be v upseting. i agree that H feels ashamed inside. he's saying nasty shit to me because he doesn't know what to do with himself.

if i go to the school - i think that will be the end of our marriage. and i have to accept what that means for the kids/ honestly - for me - our marriage could fall apart tomorrow and i'd be fine but that is NOT the case for our kids. it would be v v difficult for DS1 - arguabley much much worse than what he is experiencing now.

If SS don't "destroy" your family then your husband certainly will. Abuse only ever escalates and gets worse.

I am so sorry OP

Rosealea · 03/12/2025 23:26

You really don't like your husband very much, do you?

What is truly worrying me is that you are using your child and this situation as a way to get at your husband and possibly end your marriage.

Undoubtedly your reaction to what happened escalated the situation considerably. If you were on good terms with your husband you would have handled it differently and the impact on both of your children would have been less. I am not saying sweep it under the carpet and I'm not saying for a second that what happened tonight was acceptable but as ever there are three sides to every story.

If you are as an adult done with your marriage then take responsibility for saying that. I don't think your husband could do anything to please you anymore even if he was parent of the year, you still wouldn't be happy with him.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and own it. Don't use your child as an excuse and get others to do the dirty work for you in order to escape responsibility and blame for breaking up the family. You seem to want your husband to be the villan and you to be the martyr/model parent.

NimbleDreamer · 03/12/2025 23:26

Rosealea · 03/12/2025 23:26

You really don't like your husband very much, do you?

What is truly worrying me is that you are using your child and this situation as a way to get at your husband and possibly end your marriage.

Undoubtedly your reaction to what happened escalated the situation considerably. If you were on good terms with your husband you would have handled it differently and the impact on both of your children would have been less. I am not saying sweep it under the carpet and I'm not saying for a second that what happened tonight was acceptable but as ever there are three sides to every story.

If you are as an adult done with your marriage then take responsibility for saying that. I don't think your husband could do anything to please you anymore even if he was parent of the year, you still wouldn't be happy with him.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and own it. Don't use your child as an excuse and get others to do the dirty work for you in order to escape responsibility and blame for breaking up the family. You seem to want your husband to be the villan and you to be the martyr/model parent.

You're absolutely nuts, wtf.

ThatMellowSheep · 03/12/2025 23:28

Rosealea · 03/12/2025 23:26

You really don't like your husband very much, do you?

What is truly worrying me is that you are using your child and this situation as a way to get at your husband and possibly end your marriage.

Undoubtedly your reaction to what happened escalated the situation considerably. If you were on good terms with your husband you would have handled it differently and the impact on both of your children would have been less. I am not saying sweep it under the carpet and I'm not saying for a second that what happened tonight was acceptable but as ever there are three sides to every story.

If you are as an adult done with your marriage then take responsibility for saying that. I don't think your husband could do anything to please you anymore even if he was parent of the year, you still wouldn't be happy with him.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and own it. Don't use your child as an excuse and get others to do the dirty work for you in order to escape responsibility and blame for breaking up the family. You seem to want your husband to be the villan and you to be the martyr/model parent.

Don’t be ridiculous 🤷‍♀️

Grammarnut · 03/12/2025 23:29

searchforthesun · 03/12/2025 19:26

you need to protect your sons and leave. This is not ok and your husband is minimising it. Hes an adult and he could have seriously hurt your child. Please make sure he is safe.

No she should not leave. Everyone got a bit fraught. Adult got very irritated and reacted to child attempting to hit him - which is not on. Adult said sorry, didn't mean it, but child needs to leave the room (seems reasonable). Everyone reset, start again. Adult probably on spectrum - most of us are. But frustration with an awkward DS is likely to end with friction whoever you are - we are not all paragons of patience and love.

Grammarnut · 03/12/2025 23:30

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I agree with you. Bet no-one else will. But we are not our children's friends and 'gentle' parenting appears to produce monsters.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 03/12/2025 23:31

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 22:54

i agree @Dissappearedupmyownarse what i'm saying is i don't know how to unite as parents. i have been trying to do this for years. i know it's confusing. but it's his way or the high way. so the only way to unite is for me to adopt his style. he will NOT listen to me. or experts. for example, DS got stressed when his brother cried and the pre-school suggested headphone things and H would not consider it. now, DS is less responsive to loud sounds now and H loves to say "see, if it was up to you you'd have him in those stupid ear blocker things and he never needed them".

Anyway - i H isn't a man of compromise. So I need to compromise. Or rather change my entire personality. I understand what you're saying but every option seems awful. a) we continue as we are b) we separate and have 2 v different homes or c) i just give in and adopt his style and we both push our kids off chairs for not eating their food.

I assure you - there is no option of H going on a course or meeting me half way. I've tried since DS was 2. We are 4.5 yrs into this.

My original post wasn't meant to cause you distress or pick sides.
Co-parenting is one of the hardest things to do and if you dont see eye to eye when you're living together, it will get a million times worse once separated. I'm not saying that is a reason to stay together but it might be something you need to consider for the sakes of your children.
You need to ask yourself if you truly believe that your children are safe if you continue to live with this man. Only you can answer that.
If you were to contact SS, nothing will really happen based on how you've described recent events. SS look for and I quote 'adequate parenting'.
Maybe a calm talk with you husband once you feel able to without being triggered is what's needed. Maybe write down what you feel needs to happen in order to save your marriage and keep the family unit together. Spell out to your husband the gravity of his actions should they ever be repeated.
If he still refuses to listen or attempt to modify his parenting then I think you know your answer. I do feel though that you also may need to address how you parent too. I'm not saying you're not doing a great job but we could all probably make a few changes for the better.

Oioisavaloy27 · 03/12/2025 23:31

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 19:39

This is really dangerous nonsense. We - and all of our friends - are ND with ND children and not one of us has ever physically abused a child. It’s a red line, always, for everyone in every family. ND children have as much right to be safe from abuse as anyone else, and ND parents aren’t more likely to commit crimes against their children than NT ones.

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Sorry but your wrong there, there is a high percentage of neuro diverse children that get abused it's the first thing you are taught when working in safeguarding.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 03/12/2025 23:33

Grammarnut · 03/12/2025 23:29

No she should not leave. Everyone got a bit fraught. Adult got very irritated and reacted to child attempting to hit him - which is not on. Adult said sorry, didn't mean it, but child needs to leave the room (seems reasonable). Everyone reset, start again. Adult probably on spectrum - most of us are. But frustration with an awkward DS is likely to end with friction whoever you are - we are not all paragons of patience and love.

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Nah.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 03/12/2025 23:33

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 23:17

No, there isn’t “a lot of tension and unhealthy conflict in this household”. There is a very competent mother doing everything in her power to protect and nurture two very different children, and there is a spoilt, selfish bastard who never learned to control himself and is a danger to all three of them.

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Read through all of the posts....
A blinkered approach won't help anyone here

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 23:33

Oioisavaloy27 · 03/12/2025 23:31

Sorry but your wrong there, there is a high percentage of neuro diverse children that get abused it's the first thing you are taught when working in safeguarding.

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Yes, I know, I’m a primary school teacher - but that isn’t actually what I said.

Cornishclio · 03/12/2025 23:34

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 20:04

I have one, we worked as a team to make sure he could cope and be happy in life. We didn't allow hitting or moaning about the meal, he got the same as everyone else and if he didn't like part of it, he ate the bits he could. He certainly wasn't placated and given pudding for not eating. He wasn't hit, but he has spent time out to calm himself, usually in his room.
Both parents must be in agreement on parenting, if not the house is full of conflict as in the OP. The child will expect the weaker parent to mollycoddle them, it doesn't help them in life, you put the hard work and consistency in early for them succeeding in life.

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You do realise not all ND children are the same? My granddaughters safe foods are extremely limited and no amount of insisting she finish her meal would make her eat. She would rather starve. Good that it worked for your DS but it doesn’t mean the OPs son would benefit from this inflexible approach.

Original poster

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 23:37

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 23:33

Yes, I know, I’m a primary school teacher - but that isn’t actually what I said.

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What would you do if a parent came to you tomorrow and told you about this incident?

OP posts:

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 03/12/2025 23:39

Your DH was very unreasonable and abusive. Your DS is only 6! His picky eating will only get worse if that is what mealtimes are like. You need to protect your DS from H. Home is not a healthy environment. How is your relationship with H, is he controlling ?

DeftWasp · 03/12/2025 23:39

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Tiger12 · 03/12/2025 23:40

You all sound somewhat inadequate. It’s not a great mix for a stable family unit.

I suspect you all need help as you don’t appear to be skilled enough to resolve matters between yourselves.

DeftWasp · 03/12/2025 23:41

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Anyahyacinth · 03/12/2025 23:43

Rosealea · 03/12/2025 23:26

You really don't like your husband very much, do you?

What is truly worrying me is that you are using your child and this situation as a way to get at your husband and possibly end your marriage.

Undoubtedly your reaction to what happened escalated the situation considerably. If you were on good terms with your husband you would have handled it differently and the impact on both of your children would have been less. I am not saying sweep it under the carpet and I'm not saying for a second that what happened tonight was acceptable but as ever there are three sides to every story.

If you are as an adult done with your marriage then take responsibility for saying that. I don't think your husband could do anything to please you anymore even if he was parent of the year, you still wouldn't be happy with him.

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and own it. Don't use your child as an excuse and get others to do the dirty work for you in order to escape responsibility and blame for breaking up the family. You seem to want your husband to be the villan and you to be the martyr/model parent.

🤢 defending an assault on a child..your agenda is irrelevant here

Bungle2168 · 03/12/2025 23:43

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 23:37

What would you do if a parent came to you tomorrow and told you about this incident?

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It is not about one incident in isolation; it is about a pattern of behaviour that has become unhealthy. There is more than one neurodivergent member in your family and they will keep in butting up against each other unless the family unit is dissolved.

In my limited experience of dealing with autism, it’s like an unstoppable force hitting an immovable object.

Yourcousinrachel · 03/12/2025 23:43

Hi OP,

Im so sorry you are in this difficult situation.

If your DS went into school tomorrow with bruising from the fall and said "daddy made me fall off my chair and i was scared of him", that would be enough for a safeguarding referral to be made. If your DH was questioned, he might try and pass it off as an accident but you would be in a real spot because you believe your DH lost control, even though he seems to be minimising it and blaming everyone but himself. I think someone else has said, try having another conversation with him tomorrow. Could you tell him what DS said to you?

Does he understand that telling anyone "you made me do that or behave in that way" is abusive?

What i would say is try and trust yourself, your own instinct as a mum, to see what the way forward is, and it sounds like youve been a great mum, by the way.

You can also ring Family Lives, they have a helpline to support families going through difficulties.
Also, i think someone already said, you can ask to be referred by school to the early help keywork service? A keyworker is assigned to help if you have a child with complex needs. Might this get through to your DH?

Enrichetta · 03/12/2025 23:43

some of the recent contributions are bat shit crazy.
must be getting close to the witching hour…
I mean WTF is wrong with people?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 03/12/2025 23:43

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So you think antagonising a child then getting up to tip their chair over causing them to fall is ok? I'm no fan of gentle parenting or social services for that matter but this is wrong on so many levels

MorrisseysMisery · 03/12/2025 23:43

Chiseltip · 03/12/2025 19:30

🙄

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My reaction entirely.