Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Then you choose option b for the sake of your children's safety

Its true that parents managing this in an agreed way would be best, but how is the OP making the situation far worse? She is not. The OP cannot make her husband take a more gentle and understanding approach to parenting a child with autism. It would make no sense whatsoever for mum who has done all the courses and trying to follow the advice, and has seen improvement to go over to husbands way of doing things, would it? Even if they divorced and lived separately dad would still have access. The only solution is for dad to get on board, be less rigid and learn to be more in control.

I am merely looking at the bigger picture here to try and offer the OP some useful support moving forwards.
Yes there will be an awful lot of LTB posts on here but that is the default answers to most problems on MN and isn't always the solution. Only OP will truly know if her children are genuinely safe and whether or not she needs to make that call.

You didnt hear it because it didnt happen. You were right there and saw what happened, dont let him tell you otherwise

If being on the same parenting page means presenting a united front while your H is being physically aggressive to your little child, then you are allowed to tell him that you will never be on the same page as him and he needs to either engage with counselling or move out.

It’s not you who is making it worse. He wants you all to be frightened of him, so he will continue to escalate to maintain control.

the most surreal moment of this evening was H kneeling on our kitchen floor knocking the floor with his fist (this stupid fake concrete that was here when we bought the place) saying "it's not even that hard. it's practically hollow"

Is DS hitting because of ND or is he hitting because daddy does?

I think you need professional help with this OP. Can you ask school for support? It does sound like your DH is either autistic or has some other disability himself, so I think it's important that this isn't just you asking him to leave, but is a response about supporting him to behave correctly around your children. I would have thought that school would signpost you to good support around this. I also think for your own safety, that this shouldn't be just you leaving as that could anger your husband which could be dangerous for you and the kids. It should be an approach around keeping you all safe and comfortable with appropriate reflection.

I was physically abused by my dad for most of my childhood and everyone turned a blind eye. I now suffer as an adult but I wouldn't dare treat my children how he treated me. You've seen for yourself what he's done to YOUR child and you're still questioning whether or not to stay. He's abusive end of. Protect your children always

That's called guilt

This!

My parents were always on the same page with parenting, my mother being the abusive one and my father going along for an “easy life” then couldn’t understand when I went no contact as an adult. He was just as to blame as her for standing by.

This is horseshit. Children should, and frequently do, see low-level disagreement between their parents. Ideally they see their parents modelling healthy approaches to conflict and respectful ways of negotiating and resolving it. Scolding OP for not dick-pandering hard enough is insane. The problem here is her violent bully of a husband who has lost his temper over chicken nuggets, hurt one child and traumatised them both.

He may behave when you arent there because hes fucking terrified.

Hmm, I don't know. Usually I'm the first to say LTB but I have two children with audhd and have there been times in the past when I've reached boiling point and aren't proud of my behaviour? Absolutely. It took me a long time to understand them and accept they weren't just being naughty and to discover what they needed. I'm still not 100% there yet. Living with it can be really difficult and I haven't met a single parent with Sen kids who hasn't struggled. I think your problem will be if he doesn't accept that he's in the wrong in this instancd.

Please don't jump to divorce because raising your son alone won't be easy, believe me! However, I left an abusive relationship. He was diagnosed ADHD and still didn't understand his kids. If you know it's affecting your son then absolutely get out of there. It won't be easy but my household has settled without the extra stress of an abusive man. It sounds more to me though like you need support and a plan to go forward at this stage.

What happens the next time. If your DS had landed badly he could have killed him or given him brain damage. Your DS was lucky this time.
It sounds like your dh’s behaviour is escalating
What happens the next time or the next.

Your dh needs to leave. He is abusive. He either knows full well what the outcome of his anger and staring will be and he does it because he chooses to. He wants the reaction and to vent anger or He hasn’t a clue.
In either case he is not fit to be around a child. Especially one who is ND

Any adult who tries to excuse their behaviour by comparing it to a child’s isn’t fit to look after children.

If your dh gets angry at the suggestion that he might be ND. Have you ever asked him why then does he act like a ND person

If you had to leave for the day do you feel safe leaving DS in sole charge of both children.

What would have happened if you weren’t there to witness

I also will flag that you mentioned that your other DS is in your dh’s eyes the golden child. Very soon your other DS will see it is acceptable to assault his brother. His father is encouraging it and his mother stands by and watches and there is no real consequence to the abuse

Saying "nasty shit" to you isnt a sign of guilt. Its one for blame deflecting.

And its not acceptable. This isnt a one off. Just the worst instance so far...

He's a shitty dad and a shitty husband.

You sound like me when my eldest was little. Doing everything, learning everything, understanding ds1 and constantly advocating for him and battling for him. While his dad refused to adapt or learn or make the tiniest bit of effort. 😡

DS1 is grown up now and has zilch to do with his selfish useless dad who never made an effort to understand or improve things. I left when ds was 4 and I realised his dad's presence in the house made life even harder for him than his little life already was. 😢

OP go into school tomorrow and tell them what happened at home. Let them know your child may need more support because of it, and may want to talk to someone about it.

Get this on record and force his hand because he needs to either start to understand his child's needs and be the fucking grown up he's meant to be, or fuck off.

As for the food thing, I mean, the chicken nuggets looking different and therefore viewed with suspicion is pretty simple autism family life stuff isn't it!

For the record me and Ds1's dad turns out we are both neurodivergent. But only one of us is a selfish narcissist who can't bend or evolve for the sake of their child. It really riles me when men are excused for their shitty behaviour with the possibility that perhaps they are ND, but kids rarely get the same grace.

I take back what I said about your DH being ASD and that is the reason for his behaviour.

It is clear now that he is also fucking nuts too.

I'm going to talk to the school. . I am gonig to go in tomorrow and just say i think we need some support again as H and I seem to be at odds with a few things, and I will mention the making him fall out the chair/raising hand thing as big red flag that we aren't coping. I will do it in 'we need help' way and then just let whatever is going to happen happen. Honestly - I have nothing to hide and I could do with the advice. Because this can't just go on like this. I can't imagine how furious H will be or how awful he would be to a social worker. He stoppped coming to senco meetings as he was so defensive. He's going to actually hate me. But i have to do it. Fuck. I feel like i'm putting throwing a grenade into my life or something

This is most certainly not a united parenting moment, ffs.
This is a father abusing his child and a poor woman trying to figure out how to do the right thing.
Tell the school.
Encourage your child to tell the school.

Let him be awful to the social worker, it’s about time someone else saw what an intolerant shit you are living with. You’ve done nothing wrong, and others will see that. If he escalates the nastiness, if he hurts or even threatens you, call the police.

From what OP has described, I would hardly call it low level disagreement or demonstrating to the children healthy debate and resolving conflict......
There is clearly a lot of tension and unhealthy conflict in this household which needs addressing immediately for the sakes of everyone. If SS were to become involved, this is exactly the type of strategy moving forwards that they would be looking to help implement to help the whole family as a unit.
OP might feel that she doesn't want to work on this and leave, but long-term she will need to try and develop a co-parenting relationship with the childrens father whether she likes it or not.

If your son is ASD then eating can be challenging. My DGD is ARFID and would respond in a similar way to your DS and would eat nothing rather than something which triggered her sensitivity to taste. She would also hate being looked at. Your husband needs to educate himself about your son’s additional needs and you need a conversation on his abusive behaviour. He should not really be around your son if he can’t control his temper. He is the adult.

I’m a teacher. Several years ago a child confided in me that her dad had had an argument with her at the top of the stairs and had pushed her downstairs. I passed this on to our Safeguarding team and it transpired that dad had been hutting her ( smacking/ grabbing/ pushing her around) for years but mum kept letting him away with it because she ‘ didn’t want to split the family up’ and ‘ it was only a few smacks’ . Social services went in that evening and removed the child from both parents-dad for being abusive, mum for not protecting the child.
I don’t tell you this to scare you, but I have seen these things escalate and unless you look after your child, someone else has to. Your child is already talking about telling the school-I’d suggest you take the obviously action to protect both children now, otherwise that choice may not be yours to make.

No, there isn’t “a lot of tension and unhealthy conflict in this household”. There is a very competent mother doing everything in her power to protect and nurture two very different children, and there is a spoilt, selfish bastard who never learned to control himself and is a danger to all three of them.