Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

This. Please, OP, tell the school safeguarding lead tomorrow. Protect your son above all else, he can't do that himself.

Ultimately your DC physical and mental safety is of the utmost importance. This is a fact.

You need to decide if you agree, it really is that simple tbh.

It doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere trying to resolve things tonight. He's still angry as well as guilty and not thinking straight.

I would have a very serious talk with him tomorrow, first tell him you need him to hear you out and not interrupt or argue, and tell him straight exactly how you feel about his behaviour and what you want him to do. His reaction and his next moves will help you decide what to do next. Good luck OP.

I think you have to tell the school and get ahead of this. I think there is every chance he is going to say something to them himself and what he is saying is bad OP bad.

That's abuse and I wouldn't under any circumstances keep my child in that environment.

Your DH bullied his 6 year old ND son and physically hurt him because the child went to hit him in a meltdown?

YOUR parenting isnt the problem.

But this behaviour from DH is child abuse

In the kindest possibly way - how could it possibly be worse? He's six and his dad is deliberately hurting him. I can't tell you how chilling your opening post is - it's horrible to read what happened

I think the biggest issue here is you and your husband do not stand united as parents and have completely different views on how to manage your son's behaviour.
If you cannot agree that between yourselves you are undermining each other in front of the children and that is very damaging in itself.
You are making the situation far worse and are subconsciously a catalyst in all of this. No wonder your son is confused!
Either learn how to parent together or you need to separate. Your situation will become a million times worse though if the rules are very different from mummy's house to daddy's if you separate and try to co-parent.

you sound v much like my H. that i'm making it much worse. my H literally said "l can't believe what you made me do" because i wasn't backing him up eating the bloody chicken! i am struggling to see how to parent with someone who won't admit fault, who wont' try to learn to parent a ASD kid, the only one we become united is if i adopt his parenting style.

If he’s really feeling ashamed and is a decent person then this will be a wake up call and best for your DSs.

If he blames you for telling the truth he is an abusers, they rely on victims being to scared to speak up and punish them when they do. You and your DSs will 100% be better off with him out of your life.

But im doing 99% of the work here in terms of courses and techniques. This is a big part of the issue; your H sounds like he doesn't understand (or perhaps doesn't believe?) that your older son does have special needs and may require different and non-intuitive ways of dealing with certain things. Why can't your H at least accompany you in learning about your son's condition and needs, even if he's still leaving most of the work to you? That's the only way his criticisms of you - if there is any truth in them - can be informed and the two of you can come to a compromise. If he refuses to get help to parent DS1 AND he refuses to get help for his own issues - even just help with anger management, which it sounds like he's need anyway as NO adult should be getting physical with a six year old - then he's actually actively CAUSING the problem here.

Is there NO way he can change? Even if the two of you separate or divorce, this is always going to be his son and the sooner he acknowledges that there are unexpected challenges, the better for everyone.

You are absolutely right @Spiderwoman123 , it's a terrible post and you are right to refute it. You know what you need to do. Please do it. Your son comes first. In your heart you know what to do. It's a big step but you definitely know.

Can people stop blaming snappy and abusive behaviour on ND or autism?? This child's dad has gone out his way to deliberately tip him off his chair intending harm because the man child didn't get his way. I hope your son is ok OP. His dad's behaviour isn't ok.

OP, you are obviously intelligent. You know this is not ok. I know the idea of blowing everything up is scary but I would really urge you to trust your gut on this.

Ultimately, when you take a step back, isn’t this crazy that your H hurt your child over some bloody chicken nuggets?? Regardless of whether he has issues or not. I’m sorry, maybe I’m a soft parent too, but this is just insane and if my DH did this, we’d be gone.

If your child tells other people your husband is being abusive BEFORE you have thrown him out and already put things in place and told the school etc yourself then yes you WIlL have SS on your back because they will see it as rightly that you aren’t protecting your children from an abusive man and prioritising him!

I am certainly not saying 'look what you made your husband do'. That is very much manipulating the narrative.
I am not saying which parent is right or wrong here; that has been your assumption and very quickly on the defensive.
Children need to see both parents as equal and that they stand united in their decision making within the family unit.
Conflict between you and your husbands parenting style will most definitely be noticeable to your children even at this young age and it is very damaging/confusing for them. It is apparent from your responses so far within your posts that you and your husband are on totally separate pages parenting wise which is not healthy all round.

Oh OP, I completely sympathise with you. I’m a single mom to two neurodivergent 6yr old twins (but different ends of the spectrum so conflicting needs) I have also recently been diagnosed neurodivergent too after struggling and the professionals involved with my kids diagnosis’s picking up on my behaviours too. My one DS hits me during meltdowns. It stopped for a long time but picked up again a few months ago and now it’s his go-to when he’s upset with something. I struggle to cope because the high-stress situation of it all triggers me so much and I lose my temper, but I walk away from the situation and call a family member for help. It seems to me your husband is likely neurodivergent too and your son’s needs and his conflict. It’s nobody’s fault, unfortunately they just trigger each other, but your husband is the adult and needs to be the one to recognise this and change his ways to accommodate your son better. That means leaving the room instead of trying to get your son to leave the room. It also means regular breaks when he feels he’s at breaking point and learning to let go of the ‘typical’ parenting and this idea that your son will eat foods most families would enjoy. You really do have to learn to pick your battles and find strategies that work for you all, this isn’t an easy feat ok your own so I would suggest seeking some help via the school and possibly a referral to family front door and they can enroll you both onto parenting classes for parents of ND children. It sounds like a bit of a slog, but it’s worth it.
Your son doesn’t mean any harm by it all, he isn’t being malicious or deliberately naughty and he doesn’t deserve or need his dad scaring him like that. But, your husband is also struggling and his feelings are also valid because it’s also the way his brain is wired, he can’t just turn that off. Forgive him but have a word with him and let him know you will not accept him being physical or violent to your son, if he ever gets to that point, HE leaves the room before it escalates. Before both of them burn out and it becomes a big firey mess.

Your kids are frightened of their own dad - he should be so ashamed of himself & unless he understands & accepts the gravity of that, it will continue.

I feel so sad for you & kids, it must be awful. Id feel worried about leaving him alone with them as it sounds like your husband has been physical with them before now (which maybe why they tow the line more with him - in fear!).

Easier said than done but I'd be making plans to leave if he doesn't get help.

Living in fear isn't what any child needs.

@Spiderwoman123
Im going to ask to retract my post OP. I didnt intend to scare you, just to highlight how serious they will take it. If you think DH is physically abusive then you need to leave and go somewhere safe.

You should be saying which parent is right and wrong here because OP's husband physically abused their child.

Your husband is an abusive bully.

What do you do?

Tell him to apologise to your son and that if anything like this happens again you will be consulting a solicitor.

i agree @Dissappearedupmyownarse what i'm saying is i don't know how to unite as parents. i have been trying to do this for years. i know it's confusing. but it's his way or the high way. so the only way to unite is for me to adopt his style. he will NOT listen to me. or experts. for example, DS got stressed when his brother cried and the pre-school suggested headphone things and H would not consider it. now, DS is less responsive to loud sounds now and H loves to say "see, if it was up to you you'd have him in those stupid ear blocker things and he never needed them".

Anyway - i H isn't a man of compromise. So I need to compromise. Or rather change my entire personality. I understand what you're saying but every option seems awful. a) we continue as we are b) we separate and have 2 v different homes or c) i just give in and adopt his style and we both push our kids off chairs for not eating their food.

I assure you - there is no option of H going on a course or meeting me half way. I've tried since DS was 2. We are 4.5 yrs into this.

It sounds like he was at the end of his tether
Not good behavior but hopefully this will have shocked him and he will be able to find much better ways of managing your son

10 seconds is all it takes. Thos awful things you read about people shaking, dropping, hitting young children.. 10 seconds can kill them.

What if DS has cracked his head on that concrete floor?

"H then said my reaction caused both boys to cry and run out of room!" This is lying, denying, gaslighting and redirecting blame. And if he wasnt your husband and he attacked your child like this, non of this would be a question.