To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

I would be a childfree stepparent because I can’t have kids. What a rude and ignorant comment.

It gets so much harder as they get older. The emotional side is complicated and requires a lot of energy and effort.

The word childfree is usually used when someone has no children by choice; childless is used when it’s not by choice.

Apologies to offend you or anyone else, that wasn’t my intention.

Good luck OP!
With your step kids each having five (potentially six) siblings and living between two homes with new partners, life would never be boring!

Very few people use childless or childfree now because both are heavily loaded and clumsy. Thanks for your apology.

If your husband is on the fence, as opposed to definitive in his objection, and will come around. Absolutely go for it.

I'm sure with 4 children in your life you have some idea of the costs and time involved in raising them and have calculated thus. Some of the comments to you on this thread are bizarre in their objections.

That's not true, both are common terms. What word do you imagine people use instead?

If you have a second child you will have one in nursery and one in school (or possibly two in nursery depending on the age gap). You'll then have to decide how to balance work pattern (do you and/or DP work part time) with the amount of childcare you use, travel costs etc. Either way, a large chunk (maybe even all of) that £1700 is going to get eaten up. Two young children in full time child care while both parents work full time can also be mentally and physically exhausting, particularly if they are in two different settings. It is not remotely comparable to one child in part time childcare with one parent working part time.

I just think it’s a bit selfish if the father isn’t keen. 5 is an awful lot for him to be responsible for. And anyway it’s not like the child is actually an only child. There is a big age gap but plenty of people grow up with large sibling age gaps and plenty of people are only children and are absolutely fine.

I agree 50/50 isn't generally in the interests of the children, and as you also feel this, why do you assume his ex has fought to have dc more than 50% purely for maintenance reasons? Could she not being doing it as it's in the best interests of her dc. Why was your dp challenging this in the courts anyway, was it to try and save on maintenance?

I feel sorry for SS7 who is having to share a room at his mum's with two SBs. What is it with her and your dp that they BOTH feel the need to go on and create 3 or now possibly 4 more children after their original 3 together?! SS7 probably feels pushed out at his mum's and now he'll feel the same coming to yours when you have number 2.
Incredibly selfish adults, all of you.

Sorry that my brief comment to support the OP didn’t take a deep dive into the details of the consideration of SC before expanding the family. I feel like a lot of posters already had that base covered. Yes, I wrote that comment from my perspective because I am the one posting?

No need to be concerned though, we are a big happy blended family. Just like the one I grew up in. And I am sure OP can also have one too.

Thanks for your concern!

To clarify, SS shares a room with his two half brothers at his mum’s, not stepbrothers, and irregardless of whether we have another, he doesn’t and won’t be sharing a room at ours. And DP and his ex have each had 1-2 children after their 3 together, not 3-4.

Ok half-brothers then. Still a blended family of 7 living in 3 bed house.
I never said 3-4 each, I said they've had 3 children already together and have gone on to create another 3 and now possibly 4 between them. 7 kids is a lot for 2 people!!!

It's quite normal once a marriage breaks down for people to move on and remarry and want more children as a couple. It's not selfish as long as the children are well cared for and they can afford them.
OP can't speak for her partner's ex, she can only look at her own situation. She's said she can provide a bedroom for each child, including the step children, and she can afford to have 2 of her own biological children.
I think it's very unfair to say someone is selfish for wanting their own biological children. You also can't speak for her daughter who might be really pleased one day that her mum chose to give her a full sibling.

That’s their household, not mine. Are you saying I shouldn’t have a child because my partner’s ex has already done so? Why would I be held to higher standards than someone I’m unrelated to, don’t live with and don’t share finances with?

And for the seven children, there’s four parents involved. Is three to four children in a nuclear family unacceptable to you too?

I completely disagree it's "normal" when one partner has 3 children already. But I guess if it's good enough for Boris and Elon...amazing examples of fatherhood that they are.

No I'm saying your partner has 4 children already and is a bit "meh" about having a 5th. You are only thinking about your DD and yourself when considering a 2nd, and putting those needs above your SC's, and probably above your dp's tbh, but he at least has a say in it, SC don't.
If you want to behave as irresponsibly as his ex then that's up to you.

The person who’ll be most affected by another child is DD, so yes, I’m considering her first. If the priority was securing finances and time for SC, nobody would have a second family at all. Perhaps that’s your preference but given that 50% of UK children don’t live with both parents, it’s not realistic.

No-one else can make the decision because it's up to you what works in your family.

I think 4 children is enough and your DD already has 3 siblings, but as I say, it's up to you.

I don’t feel you would be going from four to five, your decision is having a second child in your relationship. Having children for 4 nights a fortnight is not exactly parenting and i would be slightly apprehensive on your partners views in caring for your 1 or 2 children should the relationship ever break down. If you are both happy to have another child then go for it.

My thoughts too. This man already has 4 children and has made clear that he is not keen on having a 5th.

Why are all the posters ignoring this important point? If it was the other way round, there’d be much more support for a mother that doesn’t want any more children. Also think about the existing children - they will all get less attention and financial hep?!

Unless DH 100% wants one, then no I would not proceed. I think multiple people have explained really valid reasons.

She's obviously going to do it regardless.

Relationships break down for fucks sake, don't be such a man hater! He can't control where his ex partner chooses to live with the kids! And he can't magic extra hours on to his day and less traffic on the roads to make travelling that distance more regularly feasible!