To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

He sees his current kids 4 nights a fortnight. He must barely know the 7 year old.

I have six so I’m not saying this from a “too many kids” standpoint, but I do really think it needs to be an enthusiastic yes from both parties before having another baby, and your partner doesn’t sound completely cut out for the job tbh.

Well of course there will be instances where a sibling is less of a help and more of a hindrance. Hopefully they’re the minority of cases though.

We have them to stay over four nights a fortnight plus six weeks of holidays. He sees the 7 year old every Saturday for football and lunch, and often for another evening in the week he hasn’t had the full weekend (this used to be the routine for SDs too). And we are always receptive to having them all more.

So he sees them on Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week then Saturday the alternate week, on Wednesday every week, and sometimes another evening. Six to seven days a fortnight. He knows the seven year old pretty well.

Weird take. Do you think I’m forcing him into non-consensual sex…?

I think if your partner is happy either way and not adamant he doesn't want another you should go for it. The best gift you can give your child is company. 39 is not ancient, I had my last at 38 and I now feel totally done and our family is complete. Only you and your partner can truly answer the question...best of luck x

I would go for it in your shoes, OP. You don't have four kids, you have one and you clearly long for one more. It doesn't feel that your OP is dead against it. It is pretty much now or never.

Ignore posters about the finances - based on your replies it feels that you are more sensible with money and financial planning then the majority of the posters here and well qualified to give advice to them about the costs of children.

The only thing that I will do is to establish the clear end date of trying to get pregnant - be it 40 or 41 - and stick to it. Be contempt with whatever comes as a result - be it a second child or no child.

“He knows the 7 year old pretty well”…I would hope he knows them very well!

25-30 year olds around here are often still living at home as they can’t afford to move out and rent/buy without financial help from their parents.

Having 5 children between 18 and 30 will be incredibly expensive…!!

Ignore the posters about the finances? Why??

We currently have three adult children between 19 and 24 and it is extremely hard for them to save any money and/or move out without our financial help. Why is that not something to consider??

Thank you, good advice. I’ve been thinking of a cut off when turning 41 or 42. We wouldn’t do IVF.

And helping them onto the housing ladder…! Very expensive

Right but he has 4 kids…?

A few posters have mentioned this (so not picking on you), but if "I might die" was a reason not to have children nobody would ever have any!

I got the feeling the op's partner is not keen on balance, but might get on board fairly easily - we can't really tell though, with only OP's side to go on.

No, your DP has 4 children fgs, he doesn't need to bring any more into the world, particularly if he's not bothered. Obviously he's happy to have sex with you, he's a man! Doesn't mean his brain has engaged and he's thought this will probably result in a 5th child. He's not thinking about that bit at the time. Enjoy the blended family that you have. You DC has step siblings, they will be fine and will probably feel they're sharing their dad enough as it is without another sibling.

I was being facetious.

Do you have the money saved (or the ability to save it) to help them through university? I dont mean paying their tuition fees or anything daft like that, I just mean enough to pay your share of the parental contribution? Or is your dh leaving that to his ex?

I would have said that your dh has more than enough kids - but I do understand why you'd like another.

Well frankly I can see her point. Money is tight for everyone but OP has sufficient money anyway, so all good.

Because I read the OP's posts in details.

1. she is a high earner, so she has skills to provide income and make good decisions;
2. she has investments, so has skills to do financial planning and has her spending and budgeting under control;
3. she is an only child - likely to get some inheritance that will be passed on;
4. she doesn't ask whether she can afford the child;
5. .. and the most important thing she gives impression of sensible level headed person answering patiently and reasonably on all the attacks about his partner not being a good dad, how dare to want for a second child and so will be able to deal with the things coming, whatever it is.

Can you see how angry this topic makes so many mumsnetters? Nothing riles them more than people wanting a larger family than 2 children. And when step children are involved? The father must be an arsehole!
People become very invested in making sure you know you are making a terrible decision. I've seen these threads time and time again. Personally I wouldn't pay too much attention 😁

Respectfully, when SC are adults, I wouldn’t expect to be funding them. If they needed to live in our house for a period of time that’d be fine, but costs like housing deposits should come from their parents.

I’ve already said I could afford to fund two children by myself if it comes to it, and that extends to adult support. So whilst DP’s contribution would be welcomed, it’s not a deciding factor.

That’s not actually the point of the post. Aging brings illness and disability, it can mean going down to one income. Middle age is when illness starts to strike.

They might be able to stretch to 5 kids now on the right side of 40, they’re relatively fit and at full earning capacity, but things might look very different in a few years if ill health or redundancy kicks in.

Equally, things might look very different with sick or disabled or ND child.

Be wary of a man who's not keen on more children, but will go along with what you want. Think about how you'd fare as a single parent to one or two children.

The other critical thing to think about is to do a bit of soul searching at what cost you want a second child and your attitude at pregnancy termination in general.

Consider how you are likely to proceed when at 12 weeks screening it is Down's syndrome diagnosed; or at 20 weeks screening brain abnormalities defects. Will you consider both options available, or only one, whatever the option is?

Would you really be happy if your dp left you to solely fund your second child into adulthood because he needed to give what money he had to his first dc? I highly doubt that.