To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

We have extensive insurance policies for ill health or death, so yes, if in some bizarre twist of fate I died and then his ex did too, he’d be comfortably able to raise all the children.

Great! I'm all for informed choices.

If anything, having another would reduce the future financial inequalities between SC and DD. My DD’s future funds would be halved whereas SC’s would go down by 1/5.

I think it just depends what DH means by "not keen". It sounds as if he isn't at either extreme of "actively broody" to "actively opposed". Two children close together aren't likely to make that much difference to your life plans in the long term. Your reasons are sound - with the combination of age gap, limited time together, and the step siblings' closeness to cousins and their own new step siblings, I wouldn't expect a very close relationship between the baby and your husband's children.

If you and your husband are confident he will love this child like the others, I'd go ahead. Good luck!

I understand where you’re coming from. But to be honest SC won’t be going to private school because their parents can’t afford to send them and they’re not going to get scholarships so that decision is already made.

If we had two, I’d have less to spend on DD so it’s less likely she’d go to private school, but isn’t that the decision every parent makes when they want more than one child?

I think you should go for it. We are TTC no.4 at the moment. I am one of 4, and loved the hustle and bustle of a busy home. Your DD deserves a sibling relationship that can only really happen by living under the same roof all of the time and hopefully, being fairly close in age. People will come for me from that comment, but I think it’s true. You sound like you have a good, stable job that could support your two children should it need to. Children are as expensive as we make them, yes- even teenagers! Ultimately, you make it work, but it sounds as if you’re in a good position to begin with. Good luck!

I'm actually confused. You said you didn't want to be a step parent yet you got into a relationship with a guy who had 3 kids already

Sorry if I’m unclear - I didn’t want to be a stepparent with no biological children of my own. So when we started dating, I was clear that the options were either we plan to have two together (if we got on well and things went well with SC) or we go our separate ways.

I don’t think there’s many women who’d be childfree stepparents. If you don’t want kids, I can’t understand why you’d choose step kids.

I know, I explained why an excellent musical education is much more accessible if you’re wealthy middle class - one aspect is that private schools generally have much better/bigger music departments, and the top music schools are all private.

If you can only afford state school it doesn’t make any difference if you have 2 or 7 - the access within the school will be the same.

It may not have been clear when they were small children that they were all going to be interested in and extremely good at music and wish to make it a career. I don’t know how the parents could have predicted that?

I don’t think there’s many women who’d be childfree stepparents. If you don’t want kids, I can’t understand why you’d choose step kids.
I know one, but tbf she pretends the SC don't exist and has done her damedest to eliminate them from their father's life. She is a complete b*tch.

If DH can’t afford private school for his SC he can’t afford it for any of them surely.

@Eaglesfortea do you work??

Yes. Part time at the moment but I’ll go back full time when DD (or younger child, if one materialises) goes to school.

Well exactly. If we decided to send DD (which I’m almost certain we won’t as we have great state schools nearby, but could happen if she becomes a musical genius or something) then I’d be funding it.

We’ve just had DH’s 4th (my 2nd) so have SS12, SD9, DS3 and baby DD. Always wanted two of my own and made this clear to DH from the start. He always said definitely a 3rd and maybe a 4th. He was happy to stop but in the end DD happened. The family feels so complete now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and only 3 months post partum. So I say go for it.

Thing is, you don’t have four kids, he does. You have one child and want them to have a sibling, but he’s done and dusted.

So at the moment you don't understand the full cost of working with children. Unlike your SC where their mother is taking the brunt of childcare, you have only experienced this with one child and as they are 1, not for very long. When you go back full-time you'll need to factor in possible breakfast and afterschool clubs, holiday clubs etc and that's if you can actually get your kids into them. So to those saying there's not much difference between 4 and 5 dc, it's not the same as you aren't really doing the heavy lifting on the other 3, but your dp is financially. Just something to think about.

OP, I think the only strong argument in your cons column is that your partner is not exactly on board. It is very understandable after having four children. I would also not be.

However, I feel you are in a strong position. Having a loving family, with the equal partner with equal (if not more) financial contribution who gets on well his three children is the right price for a few years of inconveniences of toddlerhood and nappy changes. And it looks like he understands it, hence sex without protection😊.

Absolutely zero consideration for the pre-existing children here, it’s all about how YOU feel. And people wonder why step mums get a hard time on MN.

We pay £500 a month for DD’s nursery, and when I go back to full time I’ll have about an extra £1.2k coming in. I’m not sure how you’d work out childcare for a schoolchild to be more than £1700 a month?

50/50 would be unsettling for the kids living that far apart. Especially for the one in secondary school who will have to do extra organisation to make sure they have everything they need for school the next day. Sounds great in theory but in practice it just doesn’t work all the time.

I’d have hated doing 50/50 as a child. Honestly, DP’s ex has always fought to have over 50% because it’d seriously reduce her income (benefits and maintenance) if she wasn’t the primary parent, and whatever my thoughts on that, we never wanted to see her homeless or unable to house them.

SD12 has always wanted to be with her mum, they’re very close and similar, and now I have my own DD I understand it. 50/50 wouldn’t be right for SD12. And SD10 wants to be with SD12, and SS is going along with his sisters for now but I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves in with us when he’s older.

Both parents have to want the children 1000÷ if anyone is not sure it's a total no. Anyone else opinions don't matter though. Saying that you already split four ways which is a lot without throwing a fifth into it.

It is a bit off topic but I am intrigued why OP decided to have family with a man who has had three young children and ongoing issues with ex. Doesn’t seem to be a great catch from her perspective.

It’s a fair question which my friends and family posed repeatedly at the time 😂

We have always got on very well, he’s always been a stable dad and loving partner, and SC have always been really easy children. I think it was much easier because their mum had immediately moved on and because the younger two SC were so young, they’ve never really been upset about any of the family changes and the youngest doesn’t remember a time I wasn’t around. If they’d been older, I think it would have been much harder.

I sometimes look at friends who have nuclear families and it looks so simple, but that wasn’t the path I chose, ultimately.