To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

Illness, disability or death could strike any of the six of us now though. I don’t think one additional child changes much.

Or if he needed to give it to his next family. Because apparently previous children don’t count, you just start afresh and reset the counter.

I’d have a TFMR in both circumstances. I don’t think the alternative would be fair to the existing children.

No. I was responding to someone basically saying "not keen" isn't a "no", which it is, because it isn't a yes.

I acknowledge he continues to have sex with you despite knowing no contraception is involved. But he told you he isn't keen, which means both of you shouldn't be pursuing having another child.

If there was a genuine need to give additional money to one of the SC then of course I’d support it. Otherwise I’d expect him to treat all of them equally financially, as he always has to date and has always said he will with regards to things like inheritances.

Ok so you are asking your dp to support 5 children, not 4, whilst you just concentrate on supporting two. I can see why he's not keen.

With all respect, with the salary under 100k it doesn't make a big difference whether it is four or five children.
It is really a difference between private schools/lush holidays/buying a Tesla or other measurable difference to lifestyle; we are probably talking about not getting takeaways or not updating the phone to the latest model. Hardly heartbreaking for most grown-ups.

It sounds like your DP isn't that unkeen given that he's having unprotected sex.

I am intrigued that you think the 10 year old and 12 year old won't go to university - do they have SEN which would preclude this?

Could you cope if the 3 SC lived with you FT and then the new baby had a disability?

What if your DP left or died?

I personally think it’s a fine idea.
I don’t think your DC/SDCs are going to be massively impacted negatively from it.

But obviously your DH needs to be on board 100%.
The last thing you want is for him to feel resentment towards you or the baby which will affect the relationship.

If his only gripe is having to change nappies then it’s not that good of an argument considering he has a 1YO already.
It would be completely different if all the kids were older and he didn’t want to start again.

I've seen far too many "I've just had my second child and my partner/husband can't cope" threads that very quickly uncover that the man wasn't keen but went along with it to keep the peace to recommend this unfortunately.

I didn't write anything about private schools. It may be slightly irrelevant, but it does illustrate a point. Which is, it's also easier to access excellent music teaching (or anything) if you have the number of children you can afford to do it for.

I can also see why the older stepchildren are probably also not keen to have another step sibling! It’s a lot for one father to support 5 children!!

She has.

Well it would make things at least 20% more difficult, possibly more

Also, you've said that you could fund 2 children by yourself. Could your dh fund 5 children by himself?

Well you will if you're on MN 🤷🏻

Why would she get that financially involved with her husbands children from a previous marriage?! They already have 2 parents. Plus if she’s paying towards the family home with her husband then she is already financially subsidising them l would imagine

Absolute nonsense! Of course it makes a difference. Nursery fees for a start so OP can continue working? You do work @Eaglesfortea ?

What will DP do if you go ahead and get pregnant? As you're not married you're exposing yourself to a lot of risk. 5 kids is a lot for anyone to support.

Seen update that you're having unprotected sex and DP is on board so not really sure why you're asking the question as the decision seems to have been made! Good luck with getting pregnant and having a lovely DC2

I honestly think these women that get together with men who already have several kids and persuade them to have more when the men are happy with the kids they've got, are incredibly selfish. Find yourself someone without kids!

So to summarise:

You or your DP will probably get cancer and die.

Your new twins will have severe SEN

Your DP is a dreadful deadbeat dad, all his children are unhappy and he is going to leave you and start a whole new family.

You will lose your income stream.

You don't have the capacity to consider any of the possible outcomes because you came on here to ask our permission.

You won't be able to afford 5 places at the Conservatoire and the required French horn/cello/Stradivarius etc.

And blah and blah and blah.

Basically you're just plain wrong about everything and we know your partner better than you do. He's a wrong'un - fact.

It's not looking good.

Note I also think the men are also bad for going along with it.

I'm not saying she should support them, but equally she's expecting him to now support 5.

I agree 100%. This man is already a father to 4 children that he has to support into adulthood!

I can see why he doesn’t want the burden of a 5th child, nor do his existing 4 children probably. It is selfish on your part, op.

From the moment child 5 is born children 1-4 will get a fifth less financial support from their father. So it's not like it won't affect them.