To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

It's not rude or Ignorant, lots of child free people who strongly don't want their own kids are genuinely not going to want other people's kids to care for. It's completely logical!

It's not just one person's decision though.

If it’s something you feel
ypu need to do, then hubby and you need to sit down and really have a heart to heart. If it’s a “it would be nice if it happens” thing, then your probably could let it go. No one can really decide if you are being unreasonable or not because only you know how you feel
deep down. I was told I shouldn’t have more children after having my son and I had to grieve my future family that I couldn’t have. You need to really dig deep and if it’s something your hubby just cannot do again, then you need to take time to grieve yourself.’,

Situations like this are what ends in those threads often seen on here of "my husband has left me with a 6 month old baby"! The man has asked to be able to be able to have a break from having young kids to raise, ignoring him and pressuring him isn't a good idea!

I know this would only be your second, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’d be your husband’s fifth. No one should be having 5 children in this day and age. 4 is the maximum that should be in any family unit IMO. More than that is just selfish.

I wouldn't want to have a child with someone who makes so little effort to see the ones he already has.

I know the feeling of not-being-done-yet. That's why I think you should have that second baby - especially since you would not have any real practical or financial problems. I understand your husband, but you said yourself his children already try and stay more with their mum. Give it a few more years and it will be just you, your partner and your child....ren most of the time. So yes, I would TTC. For your own heart, ánd to give your little one a sibling that doesn't have to leave on sunday.

All the dc are potentially going to need homes and support for YEARS. Many adult dc have to live at home due to the sky high prices, as the dc’s father he may very well need to house them for many years yet, I haven’t even touched on uni costs, driving lessons etc. Dc are extortionate as they grow older.

I also would not recommend this because one of you could become incapacitated or ill, money problems, disabled child etc and you are vulnerable having so many dc to support already.

You took on a man with 3 kids. I wouldn’t compound your issue by having more under any circumstances. Your child has step siblings - they don’t need another child, and they may not like each other or play together anyway.

The current 4 children are only 12,10,7 and 1 so will definitely not be ‘gone’ in a few years…?!

Nope, nope, noppity, nope. Here is why, in order of importance:

• Hubby doesn't want to. Unless you are both keen, don't do it.
• You don't have room. If you had an empty, spare room, that would be different, but you said your kids would have to share. You can't know when your other kids can afford to move out, especially in this economy.
• You already have enough kids to give your attention to. Any kids you add would mean your current kids get less attention.
• There is no guarantee that siblings will get along. You might have to spend the next 20 years refereeing their fights.
• Your age will only become more a factor. Your youngest will already be going through their teens when you are in your fifties. They will be in their early twenties when you are in your sixties. You may have plenty of energy now, but that's not likely to stay that way. Sorry, aging isn't fair, but it is a factor to consider when considering what the childhoods of your children will be like.

Don't do it. You got a good situation right now, don't risk messing it up but adding such an uncertain factor as another child into it.

Go for it! And good luck. I chose not to have a second as my DD had 2 older DSB and it felt too much when DP had three kids already and life was busy with a baby and 2 active 10 & 11 year old boys with clubs schools childcare etc. . Now she’s 15 she feels like an only child and wished often for siblings growing up. When the boys got older they moved to uni spent time at mums nearer friends and while being g close to each other are not close to DD. Of course this could be the same either way full siblings with this gap. But if you want your child to have a close sibling go for it - it’s not always as difficult as when they are small and you can’t go bank and change things later. You sound like you’ve thought it through a lot and have things in place to be able to do so - don’t let the fact you already have SC stop you doing what you think is best for your DD.

Go for it ! I’m going from 3 to 4 and also have 2 SC although they are 18 and 23 now but they spend holidays with us and summers .
People will always see big families as weird but as long as that’s what you want , have room , and not taking from the already present children then go for it !
We have 6 bedrooms and big enough cars and realised one wouldn’t change our holiday budget much so our want made sense too

I can't see any reason not to if you can afford it (which clearly you can in all scenarios) and your DP, is as you say, happily having unprotected sex with you. I was in a similar position re SC and stopped at one because we couldn't afford it. DP would have been up for it, incidentally, had the finances been there. Good luck in TTC!

There was another thread about providing a child with a sibling… and I think most posters were of the opinion it’s not reason enough to have another as they may not even like each other as adults!
OP, only have more kids if you both can afford it and want it.

we only had the one - and the rationale was we can give one an exceptional life (money/ and time) or we could have have two and give an average life. (We would have less money for school/holidays/hobbies etc and less time too. Each to their own. Whatever you decide it’ is what’ is right for you

Your child does have a sibling, she has 3 of them. They’re just not your children.

She can't ignore her husband's feelings! A wrecked marriage doesn't benefit anyone, least of all the kids. Nobody should use the youngest child as an excuse to force anyone into anything.

Why are people being so harsh about this? The man has to work for a living to pay for these kids, he hasn't got time everyday to drive that distance on a night and have to drive the kids that distance back to their local school in the morning and then 45 min back to his area to go to work! Distance does make these things hard!

If your hubby says he isn’t keen then stop pushing it.

You can do what you want you don’t need anyone else’s permission

It's amazing how children are for life, unless they're step children, then suddenly they have a time limit on how long they'll need a parent for 🙄

How rude can you be ? What’s it to you if people have over 4 children ? Wow just wow

You being 39 ( statistically far more risky) and your partner not being keen would be more than enough to put most people off, for good reasons. Your DD is already getting the sibling experience in spades-it is you and you alone who wants another baby- you need to accept that and consider the consequences if there are any problems, medical or financial. Your relationship will suffer and forcing your partner to extend his nappy changing years isn't really fair.

You can’t possibly adequately care for that many children. You’re split too thinly.

DD barely sees her step siblings though - for me that is the key point here.

No you can’t ! Maybe others can . Do you realise not all kids come at the same time right ? Not everyone has the same capacity to parent , I see parents with 2 struggling and parents with 6 absolutely fine . Plus you must account age difference my 2 first kids have 14 years apart and 5 years apart after as a example . I never had to take from one to give the other .