To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

Well, if you can get him on board, I say go for it

You dont feel done and you might regret not just going for it - whats one more

But she will be fine as she has 3 older siblings anyway so its really up to you x

No, that’s not the scenario.

We’re not married due to my preference as I have personal investments to protect (he also has independent wealth but it’s in family trusts). We may marry in the future but it’s not my top priority right now.

We wanted - and still want - to have SC more but after going through CAFCASS and courts, this is the arrangement. SD12 is very close to her mum and wanted her house to be “main home,” and was quite anxious after the split and about having 50/50. It isn’t always the best lifestyle for all children. DP was working full time and their mum only lunchtimes when they split so he had to use childcare, which SDs didn’t like.

At court, it was deemed that SD12 should mostly live with her mum and that the children shouldn’t be split up. Their mum then moved to be closer to her family, we uprooted our lives to a new city to follow, and then she was offered a council house on the other side of the city and took it. We have a mortgage here now, there’s very few suitable houses for us in her area and it’d mean adding hours onto our rush hour commutes so it’s just not feasible to move closer (and wouldn’t change the contact pattern anyway). We do see SS every weekend as we take him to football but SDs are growing up and prefer to see friends now. Our door is always open if they want to spend more time here.

Something that sticks out at my from your original post is "As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s" A 7 year old and even 10 year old should not be dictating what they do - it is important that they maintain a relationship with thier father and that includes boring everyday life stuff. However I am curious if this change of heart has occured since you had your DD a year ago? Is their time with you focused on the baby and not on that they want to do maybe? Do they feel pushed out?

Your dp doesnt want another so no point in even asking.

Yep!

You should have two children if you want two children. But be prepared to be a single mother and for your children to have a flaky father. At least your child will have a sibling to commiserate with.

Kids start being classed as adults for some stuff by 12/13. Can you afford holidays, trips out, a dinner in a pub for effectively 7 adults? Would you pick up that tab now and be comfortable with it? This will be the reality as the children get older. At 16 they are even more expensive and virtually every 'child discount ' disappear...

Re house size. Have 5 adult friends over. Does your living room, kitchen and property feel like there is enough room when you and DP are there? Add in say 3 more (kids have friends over).... Now does it feel ok?

Someone else has said it - but you think you can afford another child just because your car is big enough and you have all the baby stuff?!

Nursery fees? Clubs? Music? Tuition? Savings? Pensions/Investments? University fees? House deposit?

Maybe you can afford a baby - yes, of course, they don't cost much - but can you afford to set up and give a decent quality of life to 5 young people / young adults?

Your step children are still very young themselves and the logistics and mental and emotional resources of parenting them means your DP still has a mammoth task ahead. You shouldn't discount how much of his time and energy they will take for another decade at least.

Do you have the resources and willingness to take on a larger part of care and parenting for your own two children without his 100% support.

We used to see them more - on the weekend they’re at their mum’s either DP or both of us would take SS to football, then take them all out to lunch and sometimes something like bowling. We still do and still offer but usually SDs don’t want to. We’d also see them for an evening sometimes if they wanted to but again SDs rarely do now. Their mum’s family is very close by and now they’re a bit older, they stay home with a teenage cousin instead of coming to us if their mum goes out or wants a break.

It’s very unlikely SDs will go to university, and it’s looking fairly unlikely for SS. If any of them do, loans would be based on their mum’s (lower) income and DP could afford to top up. I could afford to support two children on my sole income. Ideally, maybe I’d have more of a gap between shared children but as I’m 39 I don’t want to wait.

Because of the age gap, if SS does go to university he’d be graduated long before our shared child does.

Yep! I could do alone if necessary.

I absolutely would have the second / fifth with all the normal caveats around affordability etc. In terms of future costs you will be in for a lengthy period of supporting young adults through university etc but presumably your DSC have full support from their DM, your DC will have your full support and they will all have support from their DF. That's three adults supporting five children which should be doable if your incomes are reasonable.

your dh has fathered four children

surely that is enough for any man to father

If your OH finds it tiresome and objects to driving 45 minutes to see his own children then I doubt he’s that much invested in parenthood. However, has he considered what might happen if his ex wife died or became too ill to care for their children? Surely, those children would be his responsibility including taking them to visit their mum.
This is only hypothetical speculation but it could happen……have a long hard think about another baby.

I would go for the second, you can afford it if you split up and tbh mums often do all the work anyway. I think the fact your were clear in the outset that you wanted two is fair enough and I have to say, seeing my 2 close in age grow up (/fight🤣) is the most magical thing.

Go for it! Those three will have each other when you and your dh die, but your dd will have a sibling! Also, forget about this environmental impact of children nonsense, which only seems to apply to Western Europe and socialist China, but even in China I think they lifted the cap on the numbers, if I am not mistaken.
P.S. Speaking as a jealous only child.

And you are not going 4 to five, you are going 1 to 2. Let us not overindulge in virtue-signalling.

I wouldn't because he is your DP, not your DH unless you are the one who doesn't want to marry.

Was about to say yabu, especially on the environmental impact and stretching time and attention over so many kids. Then I read that you actually only have one bio child and hardly spend any time with step children anyway so I think neither of those are valid reasons not to have another one.

You don’t have four kids. You have one child.

Your husband hardly sees his other children.

Have your second now. This isn’t about your husband.

How old is your dp.
On average The older the father the more potential problems for the child

That said it’s a two way decision

Honestly your partner has already said he doesn't want a 5th child so for that reason alone it wouldn't be wise to have another one. Your other half would probably resent you if you went ahead knowing it isn't what he wants

I wouldn't.
Your DP doesn't want one.
45 mins is really not that far and DP doesn't seem particularly bothered to make the effort with his first 3 DC.
DC are really expensive as older teens. You say you and DP earn well - he could be topping up as much as £10k per year per child at Uni if they decide to go London.
You'll be 58 at the youngest when the baby leaves for Uni and supporting them financially until you're 61/63.

I think I wouldn't, on balance. DH needs to focus his attention on building up the relationship with his three, which sounds quite sad at the moment.