To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

As for how SC feel about another, they do quite often ask if I’m pregnant and when I’m having another. SDs dote on BD. SS is largely indifferent and I think he fights a lot with all his siblings at the other house. Of all the SC, he’s the one I think might move in with us when he’s older. He’ll always be welcome to (as would SDs) and we’ll still have room whether he has one baby sibling here or two.

DP isn’t keen

Then, no.

Well he’s equally clear that he’s done.

You can’t make those kind of rigid demands in life. You need to play things by ear and be ready to compromise.

You can try and force him into it, and by the sound of it you may well do, but it’s not a good idea.

If one of you or their DM gets sick - (I’m in my 50s and 3 of my friends have had cancer more than once, one has died, and 2 of my friends’ husbands have died) - you will be completely overwhelmed.

So why do you think it’s ok to have more when you have 3 step children? They’re at yours a lot, they cost a lot, your DH is already a father to 4 children which is a lot to juggle. If you wanted a 4-5 person family unit you really shouldn’t have married someone who comes with 3 children already.

As to all the "DP isn't keen" comments, if this man - who presumably by now has a fair idea of how babies are made - is knowingly having unprotected sex with the OP, then it's hard to believe his objection is very strong.

I'm assuming he DOES know, OP?

Intuitions come first, strategic reasoning second (or, in the case of cute babies, sometimes not at all).

Off topic slightly, but one of the most egregious examples of this in regard to parenthood is in Kadiatu Kanneh-Mason's book 'House of Music: Raising the Kanneh-Masons' (which I otherwise enjoyed as they are a remarkable family). It absolutely drips with envy and the perceived victimhood of how hard it is for their children to access music lessons, buy instruments, and study at the most prestigious music colleges / conservatories, when compared to those from (apparently more) affluent, white British middle class families. Note that Kadiatu and her husband are/were a university lecturer and an engineer. Did they employ strategic reasoning and sound financial family planning? How many children do they have? 7. I wonder how many siblings those other kids at the Royal College of Music had..

But, but .... babies! They're cute!!!

I assume so 😂

If I had decided I didn’t want more children, I’d be making sure it didn’t happen.

Babies might be cheap but teenagers are dreadfully expensive. I wouldn't want that expense x5…

No way - especially if dad already has 4 children and understandably doesn’t want any more.

I think it's actually that the children - who are getting older - don't want to be travelling 45 mins away on school nights. Which is entirely reasonable. They want to be near their school and friends.

You don't have to spilt everything down the middle entirely to be a present good parent.

However, I do think given OP's husband has already had four children, and assuming the split happened when they were older, and has lived and raised four children through the baby/toddler stage, it's totally reasonable he doesn't want to do it again.

That doesn't mean he's a bad dad, it sounds like he knows his limits. Financially too, support for children doesn't necessarily end at 18. Lots of parents like to help their children with deposits, weddings etc into adulthood.

This isn't required, but perhaps he is thinking ahead. A baby won't be a baby forever, so affording a 5th baby isn't the same as affording a 5th son or daughter for life.

Teenagers and young adults are extremely expensive, especially if you want to help them get on the housing ladder! No way would we be able to afford to help 5 children!!

Wow. That was rude.

RTFT.

45 mins is my commute to work twice daily-very poor to use that as an excuse to see his kids so little.
YABU-your DH is not cut out for it.

Mm. Is it? I got a lot of "clapping" reactions. It's lovely if you get a caring brother or sister who lives locally to share the looking-after. Not so much if you get a brother like my cousin who was desperate for his dad to stay at home as long as possible to avoid selling the house to pay for care despite all evidence he needed to be in assisted living.

I guess my rationale is that nobody’s life is going to be significantly altered by us going from four to five. I think the jump is probably biggest from two to three (when you need two hotel rooms, extras on family tickets) and from three to four (need new car).

If holidays in the Caribbean, or buying DD a pony, or driving a sports car were things I prioritise, I wouldn’t have got together with a man who already had three kids. We were already a big family before DD.

Although we share household finances, DP foots most of the additional cost for his three and a lot of my spare money goes into investments for DD. So really, she’s the one who’d feel the impact the most on parental time and finances. But I think she also stands to gain so much?

You're an adult whose chosen that commute though. For the children, adding an hour and half into their school day to travel, and taking away their choice to see friends casually and easily after school isn't a great option for teens.

Most people don't select secondary schools 45 minutes away from their home, because they know that the commute isn't great for children. The OP was clear the children choose to spend more time at their mum's.

I don't think OP should have another baby, to be clear, but I don't think her partner not having 50/50 (at the kids choice!) is a reason.

We wouldn’t have three teenagers at the same time as there’d be a 13+ year age gap between oldest and youngest. When DD is 18, SC will be between 25-30.

I feel you need to talk to your DP again and point these things out to him. It really isn't fair that your child doesn't have a sibling because your DP changed his mind. He knew what you wanted from the beginning, and changing lanes now is unkind to both you and your DD.

I think some of the responses here about his parenting of his eldest 3 are being harsh:

• He didn't move, the mum did
• There are plenty of threads saying that a completely equal 50 50 split isn't always best for children, it provides more stability for them to have a 'main home'
• I don't think many people could fit in an additional 3 hours of driving a day (to take them to and from school and then drive back to your house / job) on top of working full time and looking after a toddler etc and doubt his children would want to travel 90 min to school and back to stay at his more in the week

I don't think people can say he is a shit parent to his existing children, on the information given

The only con I see is "DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!" And given that he is knowingly having unprotected sex with you and the agreement between you right at the start was that you would have two children together, I'm sure he can change nappies for another couple of years. 'Isn't keen' is a long way from 'definitely not'.

It sounds to me as if the age gap is already kicking in for the older step-siblings to drift away, so in your shoes at 39 I'd be cracking on with getting pregnant.

Anything other than a definite yes is a no, isn't that what consent is?

This is a really mean-spirited little post and completely irrelevant to the OP.

It is indeed much easier to access excellent music teaching if you’re wealthy middle class. Few if any state schools have the kind of music departments that private schools have, and all the specialist music schools - Purcell, Cheethams, Menuhin etc, are fee paying.

Maybe he trusts OP?

He doesn’t parent the kids he has!!! Definitely don’t have a second with him.

Do not underestimate the mental exhaustion of parenting teens. Add in menopause and it can be horrendous.
What will you do if it is twins?
Could you cope if a child had disabilities?
Teens are very expensive too. They eat a lot of, clothing is expensive - school shoes alone. Then there’s stuff like driving lessons and university.