To go from four to five kids?

[Eaglesfortea]

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

• I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
• could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
• we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
• I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

• time and money will be more stretched between the children
• I’m 39 so possibly more risky
• DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
• environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

One of your sole reasonings is to give your little one a sibling, please don’t if this is the deciding factor.
They may not get on/have anything in common at all, we have 3 children, we had 2 fairly close together in the belief that they would always have someone. They argue all the time, they can’t share a room because of it plus one is neurodiverse so can’t cope with someone in his space when he’s overwhelmed/tired.
Our eldest is quite matter of fact in telling me he wishes he was as an only child, and I can’t see him and the next sibling having much to do with each other as grown ups. We have a little one that was a surprise, he and middle one get on pretty well because temperament wise they are fairly similar.
Im one of three and I wouldn’t say I’m particularly close now to my siblings since we all have our own families, and my DH never spends time with his siblings.
For me your age is another reason I wouldn’t although many people have healthy babies at 39, some don’t and additional needs is more of risk the older the parents are.

I wouldn't be having more kids with someone who can't be arsed to see his because of a 45 minute drive.

Why is unlikely your 3 SC will go to university? I find it an odd statement for 3 young children - unless SEN involved.

I personally wouldn't have got involved with a man with 3 already, but I know that's a mute point. You say his ex has had 2 more, so that's 5 kids squeezed into a council house.

You might be surprised that as DSC get older, they choose to spend more time at yours, seeking more space.

But to answer your question YANBU. The fact that if needed, you could go it alone is pertinent too. I guess you just need your DP on board.

I think you'd be mad.

Your child already has siblings.

Sounds like you're going to go ahead despite DP saying no.

Obviously your DP needs to be 100% on board but if you’ve got the space and money then I don’t think it’s a massive leap to go from 4-5.

I get what your DP is saying but if you’ve have the next one within the next couple of years, then it will only be a couple extra years that he’s changing nappies.

If your youngest was 6+ then I’d think differently but as you’ve got such a young child anyway then you might as well.

You do need to consider the 3 SC living with you FT though.
So often NRP/SPs don’t think about this and then seem shocked when it happens.

I agree with the general view that a baby has to be 2 very enthusiastic yes shouts; if one parent is reluctant then it's a no. If a man feels forced into it, he either is made to do things he really doesn't want to do, or the mum does everything, which can leave her feeling resentful, and even if you say she chose that, it's not fair on the child if her father was more involved with her older siblings than with her.
If the man was pushing for a child and the mum didn't want one, that would be wrong too, but not only because it's the woman's body doing the work.

Or…they break up and step children are no longer part of her life and she regrets her last chance to give her DD a sibling.

I have a big gap like that by the youngest is never lonely. The others spoilt him a lot and adore him. They are middle-aged now and still really close. Having another child should be something both parents are totally committed to.

Oh, sorry, you are right, we should all have the snip and hystero in Western Europe and let the rest of the World have as many kids as they want, apologies.

Sadly wanting your child to have a sibling is not a reason in itself. There is absolutely no guarantee they would get on and be close - either as children or into adulthood. Sadly ( read the many MN threads) there are plenty of fractured and NC sibling relationships.

If your DP isn’t keen then I’m sorry but YABU , if one partner says no it’s a no and thinking you might persuade them otherwise is not a great idea. How resentful do you think he may get when he has said he has changed enough nappies and the night time waking isn’t so appealing. Perhaps read some of the threads my DP won’t help / resents me and the kids / DP suddenly working all hours and won’t join in family to give some more perspective where a partner has not been keen on another child.

Your life works at the moment, what about the unthinkable the new child has profound disabilities , how will your family unit cope and how would the full sibling feel ? Would you be putting the unspoken burden on them to be carer once you and your partner are no longer around - the exact opposite of your intentions in having a full sibling for them.

Or, have nobody to potentially argue for years with over said decisions and provision/division of care. Or lack thereof.

I see this all the time on mumsnet from posters who usually have children primary age or under.

They naively think they can afford it, then the children become teenagers and young adults, and they all need phones, laptops, ferrying about, support for GCSEs and A levels, and the big expense of topping up university loans if they can't get work while studying.

Then there is the emotional rollercoaster of having teenagers.

This. If only one partner is "keen", you should not do it.

MN is always anti another child - I literally saw a thread while back when someone was asking when best age wise for first and was told by several posters never.

Money side seem to have been thought through - and you could go it alone if need be but the father not being an enthusiastic yes is a huge worry as if he not enthusiastic now when it's therotical not likely to get much better - and SC situation and where they live could also change going forward.

So I'd say bad idea unless he gets really keen on idea.

Yes! Little ones are easy, we’re now entering teenage years with two of ours and the expense, time and emotional needs of them is bigger, different but certainly not easier then little ones!
Im looking at taking on additional hours at work because hobbies, clothing and food for them all is so much more expensive.

I'm concerned that "we can afford it" talks solely about having the baby stuff already. What about when they get beyond baby age? What about when your stepchildren become teenagers (quite imminent in the case of the oldest) and eat more, need bigger clothes and tech etc?

You need to look at how you afford the most expensive time which for you would likely be when you had 2 young children with high childcare costs and 2 teens/almost teens.

I think giving a child a sibling is the greatest gift of all, step siblings aren't quite the same. If you feel this is right for you then go for it, but Dh will need to be on board. If he is neutral then maybe he'll come round. If he feels strongly then I think you need to respect that. You need to be talking very honestly and openly with him not asking strangers their views.

“Two together”, but he already has 3 children. Those older 3 don’t disappear. Not many families have 4+ children and for good reason, would you be considering number 5 if the other 4 were all shared? I suspect not.

This is the inherent problem with being in a relationship with a man who already has lots of children.
You want another, totally understand but can also understand why he doesn't. 5 is a huge number and even if financially you can cope, how on earth will he be able to give the time and focus to his existing children without adding more into the mix. Even from a relationship aspect, taking the children out of it.. where will you ever get the time to be a couple. There are ALWAYS massive compromises when getting into a relationship with someone with this much baggage..

How do the DSC feel. They appear to have gained 3 siblings between their parents already.

Do the DSC have their own rooms in your house?

That’s rather pessimistic.

If I had three biological children (or adopted, or even full time stepchildren) then I wouldn’t have had more. But I also wouldn’t have got together with someone who wanted more.

But given recent threads there are 100s even 1000s shaking their heads and muttering about benefits/cheats/motability luxury cars etc

The older girls share, SS has his own room and DD has her own room. We have a study and a playroom downstairs which could be turned into bedrooms if SDs needed separate rooms, but they’ve never expressed a desire for it.

At their mum’s, SDs share and SS shares with two younger brothers.