Page 3 | To go from four to five kids?

Eaglesfortea · 2025-12-03T13:08:27+00:00

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like). Pros: - I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either - could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car - we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each - I just don’t feel done yet Cons: - time and money will be more stretched between the children - I’m 39 so possibly more risky - DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade! - environmental impact? YABU - don’t do it YANBU - go for it

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 03/12/2025 14:03

Hons123 · 03/12/2025 13:52

Go for it! Those three will have each other when you and your dh die, but your dd will have a sibling! Also, forget about this environmental impact of children nonsense, which only seems to apply to Western Europe and socialist China, but even in China I think they lifted the cap on the numbers, if I am not mistaken.
P.S. Speaking as a jealous only child.

"forget about this environmental impact of children nonsense"

So you think exponential population growth can just happen indefinitely and somehow the planet will cope with housing and feeding everyone in future? Not to mention accommodating all their waste.

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:04

Hons123 · 03/12/2025 13:52

Go for it! Those three will have each other when you and your dh die, but your dd will have a sibling! Also, forget about this environmental impact of children nonsense, which only seems to apply to Western Europe and socialist China, but even in China I think they lifted the cap on the numbers, if I am not mistaken.
P.S. Speaking as a jealous only child.

I’m an only child too. I was quite happy as a child but as I get older, the more I feel like I’m missing an extended family. SC are a very tight gang with a big brood of cousins and I fear DD being lonely when she’s older.

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OhDear111 · 03/12/2025 14:07

@Eaglesfortea Why would you see this as good for your dc though? It’s a very low standard to go it alone because your partner is unreliable and walks out on his families. He’s a pretty poor dad to his existing dc and you want to compound it? Dc are very happy without a blood sibling. Keep the others close and encourage partner to see them. Is his former partner pleased to see the back of him? What’s the dynamic with his first family?

Didimum · 03/12/2025 14:07

I think it's a selfish decision, personally, as it doesn't serve your current children at all – YOU wanting a sibling for your DD is still YOU. Your partner also not keen, so surely that's an absolute no.

Dedicate your time, money and energy to your current children.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 03/12/2025 14:08

I think YABU. Your partner isn't keen and even if he gave in, would he end up feeling resentful?
Also 39 is quite old to have a baby, as you know the risks are higher. I had a surprise baby at 40. Not only did I risk my life ( doctor said absolutely more children as it could kill you) but DS has severe special needs and will probably never live independently..
Obviously your baby could be fine but I want to make you aware.
Ultimately though is DP says no it's a no.

Clearinguptheclutter · 03/12/2025 14:09

if they were all your own i'd say you were being unreasonable but only one is, so it's quite different.
As an only child myself I very much get the wanting your child to grow up with a sibling. That said it's not like they wont have siblings, but they will be somewhat older and not so present, so its a different dynamic. While I think it's reasonable for you to want two children, your DH is also totally reasonable to not want a fifth. Environmental and financial impact is very signifficant. I really worry my (2) children not finding well paid jobs/being able to afford their own houses in the future, that would be multiplied for your DH in the future. Even though your step kids are currently favouring their mum's presumably that could change.
There are two different things here, your desire for another kid and is it really a good idea. These two things obviously conflict so its not a straightforward one at all.

JDM625 · 03/12/2025 14:09

A friend was in a vaguely similar scenario, but he only had 1 previous child and they had 2 together. Things you may not have considered:

-No history of twins, not IVF pregnancy, but the chances grows as we age. They went for number 3 (his 4th) and it was twins!
-The 1st wife died suddenly a few years later when his eldest was 20. He has special needs and moved in with his dad/my friend.

So within a few years, my friend went from 2 kids at home to 5. Her husband was happy to go for number 3- yours isn't happy to go for number 5 so its not an option.

Winterwonderwhy · 03/12/2025 14:09

I would not have been with someone who had 3 kids already if I wanted 2 kids. Clear as day that someone with 3 would more than likely be done with 4.

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/12/2025 14:14

Hons123 · 03/12/2025 13:52

Go for it! Those three will have each other when you and your dh die, but your dd will have a sibling! Also, forget about this environmental impact of children nonsense, which only seems to apply to Western Europe and socialist China, but even in China I think they lifted the cap on the numbers, if I am not mistaken.
P.S. Speaking as a jealous only child.

Her partner doesn’t even want a fifth! Theres no going for it about it!

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:15

OhDear111 · 03/12/2025 14:07

@Eaglesfortea Why would you see this as good for your dc though? It’s a very low standard to go it alone because your partner is unreliable and walks out on his families. He’s a pretty poor dad to his existing dc and you want to compound it? Dc are very happy without a blood sibling. Keep the others close and encourage partner to see them. Is his former partner pleased to see the back of him? What’s the dynamic with his first family?

I don’t want to raise them alone. Someone asked if I could, and I could.

DP and his ex split when SS was born because she left to be with someone else, who she’s now married to and they have two further children. Her new partner doesn’t like DP (they used to be friends before) and relations aren’t exactly friendly but they are civil. Despite what you might assume he’s a good dad and a good partner.

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Tink3rbell30 · 03/12/2025 14:16

No. DP doesn't want to so it's a simple no. Siblings don't always get on either or bother with each other at all.

deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:16

I come at this from a different perspective (I'm DC 5 in a blended family) so I wouldn't exist if my parents had decided not to go for a fifth. I have really good relationships with my older siblings (who had a different mum) and my next sibling up (same mum) is very glad to have had an additional sibling. But, the big difference here is that my DF was very much onboard with the whole thing - he was a very present dad, in fact probably better than he had been with my older siblings. But the age gaps were bigger.

deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:20

So, one way or another, I can totally see the rationale for having another (I'd want to if I were you) but it really depends how anti the idea your DH is. Life is so hectic these days and even if he goes along with it but his heart isn't in it, having a reluctant co-parent could make things pretty miserable for you all

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:22

deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:16

I come at this from a different perspective (I'm DC 5 in a blended family) so I wouldn't exist if my parents had decided not to go for a fifth. I have really good relationships with my older siblings (who had a different mum) and my next sibling up (same mum) is very glad to have had an additional sibling. But, the big difference here is that my DF was very much onboard with the whole thing - he was a very present dad, in fact probably better than he had been with my older siblings. But the age gaps were bigger.

My best friend growing up was DC4 in a blended situation with one full sibling and two older half siblings and once her half sibs were teenagers they pretty much never bothered coming over. As an adult, she sees them at weddings and funerals. This does play into my fears for DD.

DP is very involved with SC and hands-on with our DD.

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ThatWorthyAquaFox · 03/12/2025 14:32

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:04

I’m an only child too. I was quite happy as a child but as I get older, the more I feel like I’m missing an extended family. SC are a very tight gang with a big brood of cousins and I fear DD being lonely when she’s older.

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They may not get on. You can't guarantee they're going to be lifelong friends.

logsahc · 03/12/2025 14:34

No I wouldn’t. I understand you wanting your DD to have a sibling and because you don’t feel done, but really you should have thought about that before having a child with a man who already has 3 children.

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:34

deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:20

So, one way or another, I can totally see the rationale for having another (I'd want to if I were you) but it really depends how anti the idea your DH is. Life is so hectic these days and even if he goes along with it but his heart isn't in it, having a reluctant co-parent could make things pretty miserable for you all

With DD we planned TTC because I came off contraception, we waited until the right time for work and SC, I had some fertility investigations, we talked about IVF but didn’t need it in the end…

We’ve both agreed we wouldn’t do IVF for a second and would only try naturally. We’re now having unprotected sex and he knows how babies are made so he’s not against the idea enough to stop it happening.

He’s involved with SC’s school and life, does a decent amount around the house, and does his fair share for DD.

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Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:35

logsahc · 03/12/2025 14:34

No I wouldn’t. I understand you wanting your DD to have a sibling and because you don’t feel done, but really you should have thought about that before having a child with a man who already has 3 children.

I did, we agreed to have two together.

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deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:38

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:22

My best friend growing up was DC4 in a blended situation with one full sibling and two older half siblings and once her half sibs were teenagers they pretty much never bothered coming over. As an adult, she sees them at weddings and funerals. This does play into my fears for DD.

DP is very involved with SC and hands-on with our DD.

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Ah, that's a shame for your friend. It's been very different for myself and my siblings, fortunately - and a lot of great relationships between all the many nieces & nephews have come about as a result. But obviously there's no way of knowing which way it would go if you decided to go for it. Wish you the best of luck anyway.

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:38

ThatWorthyAquaFox · 03/12/2025 14:32

They may not get on. You can't guarantee they're going to be lifelong friends.

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Of course. But as I get older, I’ve found a lot of my friends who didn’t get on with their siblings as kids or teens have begun to in later life. There’s nobody who understands family dynamics or shared history as well.

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Squirrelmirrel2 · 03/12/2025 14:39

OP I'd go for it if I were you. 39 isn't old these days and you've already got a young child anyway. Far nicer for your DD to have a sibling. Your DH is clearly not against the idea if he's having unprotected sex and he will come round.
Growing up as an only child with 3 much older half siblings might be quite lonely for her.
Ignore comments about overpopulation. The fact the birth rate is now 1.5 and we have a dramatically ageing population means having children that will contribute to society and paying for their upbringing yourself is one of the least selfish things you can do!

Peonies12 · 03/12/2025 14:40

Your partner doesn't want to. End of conversation.

Original poster

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 14:43

deathbyprocrastination · 03/12/2025 14:38

Ah, that's a shame for your friend. It's been very different for myself and my siblings, fortunately - and a lot of great relationships between all the many nieces & nephews have come about as a result. But obviously there's no way of knowing which way it would go if you decided to go for it. Wish you the best of luck anyway.

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Thank you. Luckily my friend is very close to her full sibling, they don’t live close by but holiday together every year so their kids are close too.

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Zanatdy · 03/12/2025 14:43

No as your DP isn’t keen and guess that’s a risk you take having children with someone who is 3 kids ahead of you.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 03/12/2025 14:45

ThatWorthyAquaFox · 03/12/2025 14:32

They may not get on. You can't guarantee they're going to be lifelong friends.

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Whilst this is true (I'm not close to one of my siblings - we've never fallen out but just aren't really that bothered and only see each other at wider family occasions), it's still a sibling with the same parents who you can (hopefully) turn to if needed. Otherwise op's existing one child would for example potentially face looking after the op in older age all by herself with no sibling to support in decisions, visits etc.