Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Unpopular opinion but doesn't research tell us that men are typically attracted to visuals whilst women respond to things they hear?

Looks typically fade with age but someone's charm, wit, humour etc tends to remain (if anything they sharpen with life experience).

So you could argue that the dominant characteristics that makes someone appealing to women are less likely to change over time, compared with the dominant characterists that makes someone appealing to men?

So is it really that shocking or disgusting here that a bloke here doesn't find Kelly Brook as attractive anymore? Whilst I'm sure women that were attracted to Lee Mack 20 year ago are probably more attracted to him now?

Just a thought.

There may well be women the same age as him - or older - that he does find attractive. We don't know as he has only been asked about the OP's friendship group and Kelly Brook.

Most men I know are attracted to women their own age. Even the ones I know who were pretty chauvinistic in their youth (now in their 50's) find women of their own age attractive and still have the same 'celebrity crush' they had in their teens.

I think Timothee Chalamet and Jacob Elordi are both beautiful actors but beautiful rather than sexually attractive.

It would never occur to me to ask my husband which one of my friends he finds most attractive.

Yes I'm pretty sure that's the fantasy theory that men push, along with them aging better than women, which is pretty hilarious.

Regrettably, they will be in with more than a chance in Third World countries, we see it daily in the UK (my neighbour) - an old fat and ugly man and a gorgeous girl, young enough to be his granddaughter, from Thailand or Romania. Mind you, things are improving on the equality front - I read a few articles about British grandmothers, who have found happiness with Egyptian, Moroccan, etc. young lads.

I'm beginning to think this is a troll thread set up by men

It wasn’t silly to ask at all. Now you know that he likes younger women, that’s a fact, he’s told you. The question is what do you do about it? Accept that lots of men do and that even when they’re fat and gross and old and have micro penis’ they still look at much younger women and judge a woman for aging? Or discard him for one of the unicorns men that don’t do this? At least he was honest 😂 mine would say things like ‘she’s far too young to look at in a sexual way.’ Whilst simultaneously following pages on social media called college girls etc. I think most men just hide that they feel this way and some wives choose to believe that and live in ignorant bliss.

To conclude I hate men.

Exactly

They obviously don't age better than women; put a random group of men aged X next to an equivalent group of women and it's not going to be a load of silver foxes against a load of hideous hags.

However, women tend not to be drawn by looks as much as men are (obviously they still matter but it's not as driving a force); they are more likely to be drawn to security (which can be financial but can also be worldliness or maturity), so men who can offer this might kid themselves that it's their sexy silveriness doing it. I read a few memoirs by Hugh Hefner's former girlfriends (yuck) and all of them said, one way or another, that it absolutely wasn't his physical 78 year old self that drew them as gorgeous 20 somethings. I hadn't realised there was anyone who thought it might have been, but even the women thought it needed saying.

There is no positive outcome to the question “which of my friends do you fancy.”

I’m not sure that “none” is significantly worse than “Kate is soooo fit.”

You wouldn’t have been happy with the answer either way.

Except it's not a fantasy theory that men and women are generally stimulated in different ways. Men are more visually attracted to others, while women respond more strongly to auditory, touch, and emotional stimuli etc, This is backed by scientific data which is a more credible source than your opinion of it being a fantasy theory.

Pure stereotypes, no 18 year old is lusting after David Attenboroughor King Charles. And obviously Hugh Hefners girlfriends weren't attracted by his leathery old face, they were attracted to the fame and opportunities it would give them. They used him just like he used them

Are men more shallow than women? Sure.

Stop having such ridiculous conversations. You know how he feels so you're always going to end up in a row!

But he is getting old too! Unless he is disillusioned maybe he thinks no one looks as good anymore including himself. He isn’t particularly wrong but aging is natural. I wouldn’t ask the question! Some men are attracted to older women from a young age my dp is one of them including celebrities.

No, I don't think so, even in the case of the ones who come across as very unlikeable in their books. He had the power, not them, he always had the upper hand. He could and did simply kick them out when they displeased him, having forbidden them to work while they lived with him and seriously curtailed their ability to form a life outside the mansion, and the "relationships" were not as purely transactional as you might expect (they had to go to him cap in hand for their weekly allowance, which he could always withdraw if they hadn't pleased him, and which wasn't as much as you might think; $1000 a week, but they were meant to spend it on clothes for going out with him and not save it; he'd keep an eye on what they bought to make sure they weren't socking it away). It might have been better if they had been, because at least then it would have been honest and probably less underhandedly controlling and coercive (there was other stuff too).

But you should read the memoirs if you're interested.

Yes, I think what the OP really wants to ask now is whether he still finds her attractive, or as attractive, as he did.

It’s a difficult situation as it isn’t particularly sensible or fair to ask your partner a question like the OP did initially (unless you’re both very open about who you each find attractive), but in this case the answer was not what she expected and has revealed a potentially deeper issue that she naturally feels uneasy about.

Maybe something like “I just don’t see your friends in that way so don’t ask me things like that” or “I don’t find any of them attractive” without specifying that none of them are hot because they are all OLD . 40s isn’t old for one thing .

I'm always sceptical about how innate any of this actually is. I'm definitely stimulated visually, and so are most women I know. And I know plenty of men for whom emotional security and so on is incredibly important. The difference is what men and women are encouraged to actually say out loud from adolescence onwards. Girls aren't encouraged to objectify boys to the same extent as the reverse; boys are encouraged to objectify girls even when they consider personality more important.

I also think that women's supposedly biological attraction to "security" mostly derives from growing up in a patriarchal society in which they need security more than men. The less a woman needs a man to protect or provide for her, the less important those characteristics are for her when looking for a partner.

And in any case most humans, men and women, can be attracted to other people on different levels. OP's husband being more attracted to 20yo Kelly Brook than 40yo Kelly Brook says nothing about his attraction to OP, just like my attraction to young Ethan Hawke over old Ethan Hawke has nothing to do with my attraction to 40-something DP (or indeed my initial attraction, based entirely on looks, to 30yo DP). It's way too complex to reduce to these bitesize stereotypes.

This. Why are you doing this op? What’s driving it, it’s like you think you are unworthy so you are getting him to reinforce it. Do you enjoy drama or being at loggerheads with him?

Its a really odd way to conduct a relationship, very childish.

Based on OP's DH sure. Are women more emotionally volatile? Sure. Again OP's 'silly, fun game' with DH would suggest this.

This is what we get in a society like this: men think they are undeniable at every age and women are treated like products with expiration date. Sadly, I don't think he'll change his attitude or even think about it properly.

😂

Your line of questioning would make any man answer the "wrong" thing. Respectfully, you asked for that. "oooh you used to fancy...!" What on earth were you hoping to achieve?

On that note, I must be the only one who thinks so many women improve with age. Yes, more wrinkles etc., but women are in general so interesting to me, especially as they age. Read, Glenn Close, Gillian Anderson, Patricia Heaton. Many more.

Men and women age in different ways. Men generally become more attractive as they age, they mature like a fine wine, some women are capable of the same with decent genetics, but on the whole they aren't so lucky in that way, which, when at the mercy of the tendency for women to be highly-judgemental about their peers, is made much worse anyway.

But we don't point the finger at the judgemental women, we lash out at the 'misogynist men' instead, because they're considered the ones who set the standards for beauty (they don't and never have done).

I'm not a misandrist, so I won't engage in it, otherwise then misogyny is the counter and both are bad as each other.

I do see women letting other women down and pitting each other against one another over how they age in comparison to men. By contrast, men don't do this as they have an uncanny knack for getting along.

This is such bullshit. Have you seen most older men out there!? Potato heads with ruddy skin and pot bellies. Women generally make far more effort to look after themselves.