Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Well I dont fancy the same people I did when I was younger lol, they do look old. Female here btw.

It's the kind of comment lots of men would make - I honestly wouldn't take it seriously. Blokes have a very different sense of humour to women, as I've learnt over the years. Men bond by taking the pi$$ out of each other and they aren't great at switching to a more tactful, feminine way of dealing with things - that's what your girlfriends are for, even though in romantic films and novels, the hero gives amazing compliments.

43 is still very youthful, so don't let the number get to you. Keep yourself youthful by walking as much as possible and staying healthy. Vinted is great for good value clothes to keep your look fresh. There are loads of things you can do on a budget if money is an issue.

Plenty of people age well and you have many fun years ahead of you, so embrace it.

You're missing the point that he chose you and loves you for many other reasons than just physical appearance. There's one thing to be attracted to someone purely on physical appearance and an entirely different thing to be attracted by someone you love.

Agreed. For every man who looks good in their 50s there are 10 who have aged like sour milk.
Probably the same ratio as for women.

I saw this, it amazed me a but tbh, I just don’t find young men attractive. I think it’s preset, I don’t think they can help it, it is what it is. I think most men have the common sesne to not to act on it though.

Your "usual conversation between us" is very appearance based. It might have worked for you both when you were young and naively stupid but it's not going to serve either of you well going forward.

Studies show that even when women are higher earners they still prefer men to earn more than them.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0167268114003242

An important caveat to that article is that, while men continue to identify 20-something women as "looking best", when asked a less superficial question about the age of women they're "most interested in" they stick much more closely to their own age range.

It's almost as if men grow up and realise looks aren't everything!

Poor sod.

Same for me (apart from Hugh Grant - still would 😁 )

I do actually think evolutionary psychology has a point here (on average). There do seem to be some differences in men and women that are pretty sticky. It’s kind of freeing tbh. Also it doesn’t mean that men never ever find women of their own age attractive. Fairly sure that DH is still madly in love with Nigella Lawson.

So on 2 occasions you asked him a question and both times you received an answer you didn't like and 'called him out' on it.
Why ask the guy a question he can't give an honest answer without been 'called out'?
At least make it clear to him that when he's asked a question, the only acceptable answer is the one you approve.

I think you are overreacting.
Yeah he’s being a bit immature to make such comments about women’s ages, but think of it this way. There is so much more to fancying someone than their physical appearance. He fancies you (I assume?) because he loves you and your personality and you have a shared history and he knows all your little quirks. He doesn’t know these women and only has their physical appearance to go on. He’s allowed to not find them attractive.

@Disturbia81

I lost the quoted reply, so @'d you instead.

Bit of a case in point, don't you think? I know what you mean, but some decorum wouldn't have gone amiss.

Men's hair recedes and goes grey sooner, leading to them shaving their hair off instead of living with the classic 'Nutty Professor' look and many others to dye their hair. I'd much rather have a meaningful conversation with 'potato heads with ruddy skin and pot bellies' over a high-maintenance man with hair plugs, fake hair colour with slathered on moisturiser and fake six-pack abs.

It’s sad but I think it’s representative of most men unfortunately. We are about ten years younger but my partner used to have Kelly Brook as a screen saver in his teens. He has also said she “looks old” now - but he wouldn’t say “eww” or something to that effect. I think she looks great!

In contrast I thought Brad Pitt and Jude Law looked great in the 90s and still do now. I don’t know if men age better or women are just more kind. Maybe it’s hardwired into men to be attracted to fertile women in their twenties whereas women can be attracted to men at all different stages of life.

Yes, it's not good he's seeing women of his own age as SO revoltingly unattractive but he clearly does, so what do you do about it really? Expect him to lie to you, or don't ask the question, or accept that's how he feels. I agree it isn't good, it's not what you'd want him to feel and it's a depressing reflection of how the world has categorised women over 40 as somehow totally past it, but a 40 yr old man fancying a 20 year old has been normalised - no none of that is good. Equally, you can't force him to find certain people attractive. So I don't think there's an easy answer, other than maybe asking him to be a bit more sensitive/respectful when explaining how he feels. If it's literally just the face pulling and eww that upsets you, he can just stop that, but if you want him to suddenly fancy women in their 40s and 50s, I'm not sure you can really force that, unless he just lies to you, which surely isn't any better?

A study (of men and women who have been raised in the social conditions I described) demonstrating a rough pattern does not mean it's an immutable biological fact.

I would have agreed with him, ie I would say I feel the same, I don't fancy you any of your friends either because they're all old.

you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young)

Is that misogyny? I think there are very few men who are going to find an 80 year old woman as a attractive as a 20 something. I find it bizarre to call that misogyny.

Yes and why is that? Perhaps because men prize a women's looks more than women prize men's. It's notable that gay men tend to take more care of themselves physically than straight ones - why would that be?

I think the problem is not simply that the women are too old in his eyes, it’s his face pulling and disgusted type reaction that’s quite odd and unacceptable

in both cases, he could have said - oh bit old now, but he didn’t - he pulled faces and was disgusted with their appearances. These are 2 really different feelings. One that aging is natural and younger people are obviously more attractive (fine) but the other is quite misogynistic and weird.

It’s no wonder women go to surgeons and get themselves cut up or injected with synthetic shite. Just because men like your DH are lacking in brain cells. Women can say they do it for themselves and not for any men, but I just can’t get on board with that - you don’t look at yourself all day - but you do deal with the responses of others towards you all day. And you feel better and more confident thinking that you are more acceptable to others.

But they’re not 80 are they they’re early 40s.

Couldn't disagree more really. Evolutionary psychology is something I predominantly see in the most misogynist of online spaces and it always baffles me that it's a near-religion on MN as well. It's so reductive to consider sex as the be-all and end-all in determining character.

Younger people are more attractive. That isn’t misogyny.

The misogyny comes with his face pulling/eww/disgustedness. That really is misogyny imo. He’s thinking of them not as people with a few wrinkles and life experiences, he’s thinking of them as disgusting.

This. Why continually ask him about other women’s attractiveness?? It’s childish and insecure.