Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Very true. It's glorious.

You sound insecure and accusatory. He’s never going to win if you ask questions like that.

You're kind of contradicting yourself here. Saying why can't you be silly with your partner and then being hurt by someone screwing their face up and saying 'they're old'. Yes, immature response but fairly mild in the grand scheme.

Also for all we know OP's DH was overcompensating and claiming not to find these older friends/celebs attractive for fear of OP's response. The evidence would suggest OP asks these questions fairly frequently so perhaps he was reacting in a way he thought would give him the least telling off, and judged it wrong.

‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’

DH’s comment nails it. You’re being ridiculous, let it go.

I'd struggle greatly with this.
I wouldn't blame him for what he found attractive, we can't help that. I'd also be glad to know his thoughts, as unnecessary as his comments were, I'd appreciate knowing where I stood.
However, I really wouldn't want to be stuck in a marriage to a man who would find me progressively less attractive as the years went by. Certainly not at 40, with half my life left to live and the very real possibility of finding a partner who did find me desirable.
I'd not hold back in making this clear to him either.
I'd also suspect there may be something rather deliberate in him taking the opportunity to tell you he didn't find women your age attractive. No one with an ounce of sensitivity would do that, so I'd suspect a deliberate attempt to make you believe you were unattractive as power play.
If this is the case, calling his bluff, by tellling him you don't want to be with a man who finds you unattractive can be an effective way of putting a stop to his game and prompting a swift back peddle.

It's weird to give hypothetical answers in conversations you weren't in to strangers on the internet who are so combative they'll shoot down anything you have to say. So thanks for the invite but I'm afraid you'll have to just trust that there are relationships out there where people aren't afraid of getting a shitty response from their partner.

He'd have to lie and pick OPs ugliest friend though as if he picks the actual attractive ones then OP is going to only focus on the things about them that she isn't. So can't pick a skinnier one, one with bigger tits, smaller/bigger bum depending on preference, one who looks younger. No matter what it the in "your disgusting and I can't believe you're saying I'm not attractive because of X"

But in most relationships people wouldn't ask these questions in the first place.

I think you’re overreacting. Lately I often see actors in movies that I used to have a huge crush on when i was a teen. I have often thought “wow he did not age well” or “wow hes old now”
Im older too of course and so is DH. Doesnt mean i find him unattractive 🤷🏻‍♀️

My husbands answers to these questions I wouldn't ask because it's just absolutely not our style of conversation or interest at all. Would be none of your friends I find you most attractive I'm with you . Yes Kelly Brooke is an attractive woman I can see why her partner is attracted to her but I don't know her personally, also I'm with you and I choose you. He would be most concerned I was asking these questions and wondered if I was feeling a little unloved or uncherished in which he would take no time at all to re assure me and check in with me.

If you'd asked him at 18 he would of given a stock response of what men "should say" because of learnt behaviour not what he really thought. He has matured and would have nothing in common would a woman much younger for a longterm partner. He finds qualities not just looks attractive from both genders and ages.

Not all men are immature oafs. Lots absolutely are but they are capable if they want to be to mature and I suspect many have never really gave much thought to why they think the way they do and haven't been challenged because "thats just men"

I mean, come on, lets face it, a young Jon Bon Jovi is definitely more shaggable than how he is now (not that I would turn down either) 😜But I don't think its uncommon to stop finding someone as attractive as they age. The majority of us are more attractive when they were younger.

But I agree with others, it's like you are asking him questions setting him up to fail. Then telling him off and reprimanding him like he is a child when he doesn't answer the way you want him to. Would you rather he lie? (Which I assume not as its a massive MN no no!)

Stop asking stupid questions then there is no issue is there?

Why? I don't go around asking those questions habitually, it's true but if I was in a playful mood I might. Depends how it came up! But I definitely wouldn't expect to get the sort of reply OP has. Certainly not twice after I had said how much the first time upset me.

What on earth is playful about those questions?

If you're in a playful mood why would you ask a question with a potentially upsetting answer?

I have a male friend who was worried he wouldn’t be attracted to his wife as they aged but has found the age of women he is attracted to has grown with him.

DH has said the same when we have talked about these things.
But, OP - yoiu set him up to fail!
Do yoiu normally play games like this with him?
Asking which friends he finds most attractive is a big pitfall.

Because I wouldn't get an upsetting answer, I'd expect to get a playful one? DH is a kind and gentle person, why on earth would he say something he knew would upset me?

OK, what is a playful and non-upsetting answer to these absurd questions then?

Asking my H which of my friends he fancies is not, and never would be a playful question. It smacks of a real insecurity that he does fancy one of her friends.
Similarly asking her H about celebrities he fancies signifies insecurity about how attractive he finds his own wife.

If these are your idea of a playful question then I think we must agree to differ.

This is your typical sort of conversation????! so you keep asking questions to which you know his likely response would be- but you ask away anyway and then get offended at the answer and have a go at him???!! Weird af. I mean, to ask which of your friends he finds attractive, is really weird. If he said a name, then you'd probably have a go at him because she didnt look like you/looked the exact opposite of you/ had a bigger bum or breasts or something. Looks like you are looking for an argument and are getting exactly what you wanted. Get a life and some self-confidence.

I really wouldn't want to be stuck in a marriage to a man who would find me progressively less attractive as the years went by

I'm not convinced that anything suggest OP's partner feels like this. There is a world of difference between an actual relationship and one's views on whether celebrities are attractive.

I've been married for over 20 years- I can look at my husband and see objectively that he has aged compared to an old photograph but I can also see the young man in the old man, and the old man in the young, and we have two decades of life together which make the odd wrinkle completely irrelevant. Physical attraction over the years is about much more than just looks, whereas fancying or not fancying celebrities you have never met is inevitably going to be more superficial.

If the first time upset her, she should know to steer clear of such inane questions

'No one, Love - only have eyes for you'. Or 'ah, yeah, me and Sarah were planning on running away together next Tuesday. Hope you don't mind' or 'I've always had a thing for your mate Gareth'

If you genuinely can't see yourself or your partner having a little joke then yes I agree there are insecurities there.

Exactly. I used to work at a club and the women were just the same. Hollywood etc have always promoted the idea of young, fertile looking people. Some say we're programmed to like people who look more fertile, but I do find it icky when a much older man is trying to get a young woman, or vice versa.
Even the ones who are older have often had a lot done to make them look younger. It seems sad that some people put their health at risk/spend money they don't have just to try and look 20.
I'm not saying younger is better, and some cultures value the wisdom of age, but even though I'm not old, I sometimes wish I had the energy of my teenage years!

Objectively can you not see that someone in their 20s is more conventionally attractive than someone in their 60s? Obviously there are exceptions but the rule of our society favours youthfulness looks.

why keep asking the question and getting offended at the answer. It makes you seem equally shallow and arguably more of a hypocrite

My DH really fancies Carol Vordaman
I would be annoyed if he did not find any women over 40 sexually attractive when I myself am over 40.
But also, don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer.

Why are you asking immature questions and then berating him when he doesn’t answer how you’d like him to?

You remind me of a weird family member who loves baiting her long suffering dh into arguments.