Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

Because everything men do and think is disgusting and perverted and everything women do and think is normal and fine.

He's not a child getting lessons in kindness FFS. I would laugh if another adult tried this with me.

Of what? How not to be a dick? Do you really need help there?

If you really can't see any way this sort of conversation could be had in a playful, non-serious way then... well, I dunno. Everyone's different I guess.

OP: reduce these women that I care about and this celebrity on TV down to their looks and nothing else

OP's husband: reduces women to their looks

OP: you disrespectful pig. Show some fucking respect. So you think you're perfect do you???!!!!

Poor guy was caught between a rock and a hard place. He wasn’t going to win whichever way he answered. Why would you ask such questions anyway?

TBH I don’t really understand why you’d ask such questions in the first place.

Yeah, the questions are really odd, and loaded.

I wouldn’t be asking questions like that in the first place about friends but I agree with you it’s just a bit gross and disrespectful for him to say that considering you are the same age. I mean , obviously most men find younger women more attractive physically but no one would be dating after 40 if it was the case that everyone found people that age “eww “ and “old” . I for one would have no interest in dating men in their 20s regardless of looks due to being at a different life stage etc. And I’d say there are vast amounts of men who wouldn’t turn Kelly brook down…the stupid and immature attitude from him would give me the ick big time.

You brought up the conversation, pressed him for answers, then didn't like his response. It was never going to end well. If he'd said they were all gorgeous and he fancied Kelly Brook that would've been wrong too.

I've been married for many years, some conversations we've never had, such as who fancies who, finer details of previous relationships etc. it's not helpful.

And funny also.

I agree with you.

Tbf op I'm 44 my husband is 47 and we grow old together, married 18 years 3 sons. However if we were to split up I don't think I would find a man my age attractive. I've seen men apparently my age and they look old.. like 20 years older I've even seen men in their 30s who look older than me. I had a crush on a man local my husband knew we joke about it who I found out was 52 but he dies his beard black and would probably look significantly different if he didn't.

If it's so obvious to you please give examples as to how OP's H should have responded that would constitute a good outcome.
It's not obvious to me.

Why on earth do you keep asking stupid, goady questions to him? Don't pretend you’re not because you are. Never in my life have I asked someone which one of my friends they find the most attractive!

There is no right answer to this. Poor man.

Don't ask these questions honestly. Youth is generally more attractive, doesn't mean he's looking at you with repulsion. Hopefully he knows you and likes you, has spend a big part of his life with you, is emotionally connected to you. These women aren't anything to him. Agree his answers were pretty stupid but so we're the questions.

At some point in a relationship you both have to realise that you aren't as attractive as you once were but it's irrelevant. The reality is, in a long term relationship, you will both age and be less physically attractive but who cares, you've built a life together, you've supported each other, you are worth a lot to each other.

It’s a very immature question to ask and it was never going to end well!
if he’d said one of your friends you’d have had a face on! He was in a lose, lose position. 🤷‍♀️
Do you fancy his friends? Middle aged dad bod or beer belly, hair everywhere but his head? greying skin and hair? Does this do it for you? Or would you prefer a younger model if given the chance?

@Lolabear38

I am curious as to why this age issue and his comments are bothering you so much?

Your husband has not been very tactful I agree.

But why are you so bothered? I am 43 like you and I know I dont look like my 20 year old self but I am entirely comfortable with how I look. I am aging well for 43 and i am more confident than i was in my 20s.

My exH is 47 in his head thinks he can have a 25 -30 year old woman but if you saw the size of his stomach, the CPAP machine, the receding hairline and just the general “old man behaviours” like monologuing, mansplaining etc I am sure you would agree with my silent thoughts that he is deluded. I think a lot of men are. I have left him to it. Hence the ex bit.

In summary - figure out why this is bothering you.

Don't start these comparative conversations about looks - it is totally pointless and will never end well.

I am against the grain here.
If you can't be a bit silly wth your partner including sometimes asking daft questions (and it is clear in the OP that this is the norm for their relationship) then who can you be such with?

His attitude is very immature however. He is basically telling the OP she's unattractive, and it is an entitled attitude too 'Older women aren't worthy of my attention, only young youthful ones!'.

I'd be hurt by that, and wondering about his level of maturity, he seems to think he's an Adonis and age affects them but not him, or worse, affects women but not men.

Good point - if my DH said 'Which of my friends do you think is attractive' I'd be 🤨...

I definitely don’t find men my age group attractive (a non-grey early 60s). Or even their 50s. When I see them on tv I always think eurgh I couldn’t imagine going on a date, they look like they could be my dad. Now a well presented man in his 30s would be far more physically attractive to me. When you grow old and wrinkly together that’s completely different. I definitely don’t find the average pension age man attractive. You get the occasional decent one, I thought Pierce Brosnan looked pretty good for his age (72) (preferably with the beard), but you don’t get them in real life.

To be fair my taste in men hasn’t changed much. I liked men in their thirties when I was 20, and I still do now at 47! 😅 In a crush way, I would be more likely to have a relationship with a man of my own age for compatibility reasons (and no 30-something would look at me twice…)

DH’s celebrity crushes were always slightly quirky and not always what you’d call conventionally attractive. None would have made the cover of Loaded. Which is handy cos I’m not conventionally attractive either but he still seems to like me. Even bald and with half a boob he still told me he fancied me. The power of love it seems.

It's very strange to give the OP a pass for her strange and objectifying questions, and then to read all that into her husband's answers. No, he did not "basically" tell the OP she was unattractive - that is nowhere in what he said. No, not finding Kelly Brook as attractive now as 20 years ago does not mean he thinks he's an Adonis. Talk about putting words into someone's mouth.

Every time you see a man his age say something like 'it's a pity he's so old, he would have been quite attractive when he was younger'.

Why are you deliberately asking him such loaded questions saying it's "normal" between you both? It's you that seems to have an issue with aging

Anyway, wait till the menopause, sister - once the oestrogen's out, you won't give a shiny shilling what men do or don't like... 😉😄