Husband’s attitude towards aging

[Lolabear38]

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

I agree.

Unfortunately for you, sex is exactly that. End of the day, life's just genes battling to replicate and be passed down to the next generation.

He couldn’t win really, could he?

He's entitled to his opinions.

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers

His eyes probably roll and then he gives you an answer that he knows is going to wind you up

Are you 13?

I guess some of us have evolved beyond basic biological impulses.

(Dare I ask what you think about gay people? Child-free people?)

Generally it’s better not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to!

I was using the extreme ends to illustrate the point but I don't think it makes a difference. It's still not misogynistic to find someone in their 20s more attractive than someone in their 40s. I say that as someone approaching 40.

YANBU. And lots of comments from women who are yet to hit middle age and experience the invisibility to not just men but society as a whole simply for not being young any more....

Fair point. I was responding to someone who didn't mention that but just that he was misogynistic because he found younger women attractive.

Agree and also, finding someone in their 20s attractive doesn't mean you can't also find someone in their 40s attractive, which I would think is the norm for most people.

And finding Person A (Kelly Brook) more attractive in their 20s than their 40s, when you don't know them and only have their appearance to go on, does not mean you can't find Person B (your spouse) as attractive in their 40s as their 20s, when you are also taking an entire marriage into account.

I’m a 65 year old divorced woman, in general I don’t find men of my age attractive. I’m well aware these men wouldn’t find me attractive either!

Would you have felt better if he answered "i find Jane really hot"? I bet yiu would have expected him to tell "oh, my darling Lolabear38, none of thrm compare to you" :))) if i were him i'd give that line btw.

Regardless of your questions, I think if a man made a disgusted face about the thought of having sex with women who are the same age as me, that man would not be getting anywhere near my body.

Maybe make some comments about how gross other men of his age are, see how he reacts to that.

Hi evergone. Wow…. I wrote this and then left for a work shift and have only just been able to look again and there are 11 pages of replies! I’ve not read them all but appreciate them.

From the few I have read so far, it would seem IABU. I absolutely acknowledge they are silly questions to ask, I alluded to that in my OP but thanks for the many, many of you reinforcing this 😉

Its not shocking that someone would find younger people more attractive at all, what most upset me really what the face pulling and ‘eww’ comments when he was considering the women now they’re older.

Lesson learned though! Thanks all.

I think that stereotypically women & men differ. I'm 35 and my preference for men has always been for men the same age as me or older. But you hear of countless men who start new families with much younger women when they go through a midlife crisis. Men seem to panic and aim for young & fresh. Not saying that your husband is even thinking about actually doing that, but rather that his brain has defaulted to the younger woman option.

I'm the same only with young Andy Garcia!!

No, I’m 43 as mentioned in my OP.

He was probably screwing his face up and saying "ew" to make it clear to you he wasn't fancying other women.

You don't have to fancy someone as they get older... like I love me a young Tom Hardy but find him a bit gross now.
That's how surface level sexual attraction works. It's not the same as your partner who you love and who grows old with you...

So yeah, Kelly Brook is not as hot as she was! She got old.

My 40 year old husband loves Kelly Brook. How on earth can someone our age look at her and not think she's attractive? He also loved Charlotte Church in Traitors 😂 I think it's a cop out that men only stay attracted to young women. Trying to "biologically" explain away their creepiness. I work with plenty of young men aged 18-25, and they just look like children to me and find it gross when women make lewd comments and call them out on it!

Isn’t that 2 different questions

Men find younger women attractive but then asking what age group do women like.

You need some better conversation starters OP! I’d think my partner had lost the plot if that was what he wanted to talk about 🤣 it does remind me of things teenagers talk about (usually based on being insecure)

Women routinely belittle bald men on MN.
If he's not 6ft or more he's undateable etc.

Brilliant
so it’s really easy for him to answer “better” but you’re not willing (able) to say what those supposedly better answers could be.

1. your questions / comments about him fancying / rating attractiveness of your friends are weird - you seem to give too much importance to physical attractiveness.
2. 43, 46 is not that old, he is reacting with disgusted look as if your were asking if he finds a 85 year old nan attractive. So he is weird there.
3. when he pulled that face and called them old, you should have asked him then what age group he finds attractive. Because you overreacted, and went full on him about he should be ashamed, he found it easy to apologise and end the discussion rather than this being an opportunity for you to learn something about him, though not sure it will do any good to anyone.
4. you both sound a little superficial